Unschooling, part 9: How schooling/force/control affected me (and probably other parents)

When, as a parent (or a teacher), I felt like my job was to control or force (as necessary) Maggie (or my students) to comply, it made me feel and act like a freaking jerk. And it made Maggie and I adversaries. I was fighting to get her to do x and she was fighting me basically on principle. No one likes being controlled or forced. And because I had it in my head that's what a good parent does, it made me feel angry at Maggie. I didn't see Maggie as defending herself but as a bad kid trying to screw with me. What a horrible way to think about my daughter.

I don't want to fight with Maggie and when I stop trying to force, manipulate, and control her, she makes better choices. She chooses to help me clean up or to do something nice for me.

When I first heard about unschooling and not forcing or controlling kids, I thought it couldn't possibly work because of course kids won't eat their vegetables or choose books over TV or whatever. But the truth is they will. Or not, that's not even the point. It's this negative opinion of your kids as someone who must be controlled because they aren't capable of thinking or deciding anything. If you have equal access to candy, cookies, veggies and fruit, what does it matter which you pick? If you only see candy twice a year, hell yes, you will binge on the candy.

In the end, for me, I will not be the obstacle my daughter must get around (usually, at any cost) to get what she wants. The more I restrict, the more she will want whatever is restricted.

So what if instead, I model making (what I consider) good choices. I talk about why I make the choices I make. And then I let her make her own choices. If I notice she's complaining about a stomach ache after eating a ton of junk, I could talk to her about how that food tastes yummy but often leaves us feeling like crud. Or if I eat junk, talking about it makes me feel like crud. How much better I feel when I eat good, whole foods.

Unschooling, Part 8: Discipline

When I think of discipline, I definitely think of punitive measures: spanking, time out, losing privileges/toys. I spanked Maggie one time. She was almost two and I hadn't decided yet what I thought about spanking. One night Maggie and I were laying in bed in the dark, she reached over and hit me in the face. I don't remember why she was upset (nor did I particularly care at the time) but it hurt like hell (because it was dark, I didn't realize it was coming and didn't flinch or move or anything). So I reached over and spanked her twice hard. She immediately started crying and saying she wanted someone to protect her. That was a bad moment. I apologized to her and I decided then and there I would never spank again. As they say on the unschooling boards, I took it out of my toolbox.

Then I primarily used time out. At first it seemed successful but eventually she didn't care. I've tried various counting and revoking privileges and taking away toys.

When I think about all of this, I see the same problem with every one of these tactics. None of them deal with the problem. Why was Maggie hitting me in face? Why was acting up or out? What did she need that I wasn't providing? Attention, food, drink, sleep, affection, understanding? And how much more distance was I putting between us by punishing her for trying to get her needs met?

What I do now is try to remove her from the situation (if possible or necessary) and talk to her or hug/hold her or just sit with her. I try to tell her I love her.

My main observation of needing discipline is this: when I'm engaged with whatever Maggie is doing, she rarely acts up. When I've got my head stuck in my lap top, she tends to act up. That's definitely something I can change.

Unschooling, Part 7: Respect

I saw an acronym on one of the unschooling pages. It is RATS: Respect, Acceptance, Trust, Support.

I love that. The respect thing is huge. When I step back and really look at it, I realize how often I was/am so disrespectful to Maggie. I say things that I would never say to another adult. I drag her all over with no explanation and tell her she's not allowed to touch anything or wander off. I control her entire day with no input for what she wants. Wow. I never really thought about it before because that's just parenting, right? But I don't think so anymore. Just making small changed I am already seeing a huge difference in her behavior. She is so much more affectionate with her words and actions.

I am trying to be very respectful in my words. If/when I mess up, I apologize without a but (ie, I'm sorry but. . . ). I talk to her about what she wants to do, while offering her a wide range of choices. When we go to a store, I tell her she can buy one thing and I explain why I need her to stay in my line of vision, although I am trying to let her wander a little more. I'm planning on having her work on lists with me when we go to stores.

I am trying to let her lead. I lay out several options and let her pick. I talk about what scheduled things we have but I don't force her to even go to those. I'm not sure where I'm eventually going to stand on this. If we are signing up for classes she picks, should I insist on her going? I feel like no but I'm not really sure. She might be too young to make that decision and I just go unless she seems resistant to the actual class (like she was with ballet).

Acceptance. So this means a few things to me. One is to stop projecting what I want Maggie to be/do/etc. I want her to be interested in the same things I'm interested in but that's silly and it's not fair to her. She likes things I don't like and I need to accept and respect that. Beyond that I'm not sure. I feel like I'm very accepting of her.

Trust. This one is huge and has changed so, so much for me. One, trust that Maggie is a good person and is doing her best and wants to make good choices and be helpful. Don't assume she'd never help out/watch TV 24/7/eat only junk if I didn't force her to do otherwise.

Another is to trust that learning WILL happen without my interference or trying to teach her. This is so freeing. I have a huge list of things I want to do with her and show her and take her to. I don't have to constantly look for the educational moment in everything. She gets what she gets and she's learning every second of every day. I don't have to force reading lessons on her or math or writing. She'll learn those things when she needs them. There is so much more to be said about this but honestly this was one of the easier things to accept. I've seen this in my life as a student, a teacher and a mom. I didn't teach Maggie to talk or crawl or walk. She did those things because they were useful to her.

Support. This one's easy and really hard. Just support what she's interested in. Support her when she's sad or angry. Don't be punitive or mean. Don't control. Don't LEAD. Support.

Unschooling, Part 6: Judgement from others

I don't get much sh!t for homeschooling but when I start talking about loosening the reins and letting Maggie lead her own learning, oh my goodness. I worry a lot about how much crap I will get in the future. Most of it I don't really care about. I know my daughter and I've done my research. I believe this is best for her and she is happy and smart and curious and engaged. What more is there?

I am no longer with her Dad and I worry about that. Will he be pissed and try to fight me? I don't know and I can't worry about that right now. All I can do is what's best for her.

Unschooling, Part 5: Academics

This is actually getting much easier for me. I have long thought there was so much ridiculousness in the things compulsory schooling requires. What's radius? What are the major exports of Kenya? What's the capital of South Dakota? Maybe you can answer all these. I can't. But I can look every one of them up, with or without the internet. So why did I (probably) takes tests about each of these. I probably at one time could answer each of these questions and yet, I can't now. Did I really learn anything?

I then felt like, well there are things everyone NEEDS to know. I still think that. I think that everyone needs to know how to read, how to write and basic math. But won't everyone learn these things if they are needed? As long as they are in an environment where these things are coming up and they are exposed to them, I believe they will learn them.

I am still teaching Maggie how to read. But I have tried to make it as painless as possible. I ask her if she would like to do her reading lesson and if she says no, I leave it. Still I don't think it's necessary.

Mainly we're having lots of fun, going lots of places and doing lots of things. We are digging into her interest in bugs and it's been awesome.

Unschooling, Part 4: Food

This was also a hard one for me. Actually I feel very similar about food as I do about TV. Processed food is addictive. It's very hard for me to make good choices about food and I'm a grown ass woman.

I think my plan for this will be to stock the house with only things I am ok with Maggie eating. My sister did this and I think it's great. I do want to have some things prepared at all times (ie, fruit cut up or in places she can get it, cheeses, etc) so that she can just go get what she needs. I just wonder if it isn't annoying to be hungry and have to depend on another person to get that food (no matter how quick or kind they are about it).

But I also want Maggie to have some control in our decisions. To that end, I decided to let her buy one thing whenever we go to the grocery store (maybe any store). I did it at our most recent trip and I noticed it had an added bonus, she was very good about staying with me and not grabbing everything in sight. She knew she could get one thing and she was careful about choosing.

Unschooling, Part 3: Chores

This was one I reacted to before I read any information. I felt like kids SHOULD absolutely help around the house (the amount should increase as they get older). The suggestion that they shouldn't have to do anything and their parents should be the maids that cleans up behind them is crazy. But. . .

After actually reading the thinking behind this, I've had a major change of heart. First, there's no saying kids won't clean; it's just that parents shouldn't force them to clean. The recommendation being you ask the kids to help and they do or don't. If they do, thank them sincerely for any help and if they don't, let it go.

A lot of things struck me about this. One, the immediate reaction I had speaks to a sort of prejudice I think the vast majority of parents have about kids: that they are inherently bad. I don't think anyone really thinks it outright but people say kids will take advantage/run wild if you don't control them. When they make bad choices, we see it as what they want to do (as in they make a thought out choice to hit or call a name). I feel like I'm not explaining this well but my point is just that I have that prejudice too. And I had mostly let go of it for babies (ie, babies will manipulate you to get you pick them up/you'll spoil kids by picking them up too much) but not kids.

Maggie WANTS to be good and helpful and kind. If I give her the chance, she will do those things. I can't think of a single time I've asked her (nicely) to help me and she hasn't (not saying it hasn't happened). I can think of a million times when I've asked her to help me with something and she runs to help. Or when I start and ask her to join in and she does without a thought.

Part of it too is not making arbitrary chores. When I was still planning on giving her chores, I WAS having to kind of make up things so she'd have chores. Like making her bed. Who cares? I make my bed sometimes but just because I like it.

A really good point that I read on this site is that you are damaging your relationship every time you force/nag/yell at your kids to clean something. They might do it but at what cost. And who wants to help when they're being treated like that. Again, Maggie almost always helps IF I ask her nicely and thank her.