February 18, 2012

Well today was a very lazy day. A lot of sitting around, watching kid movies and cuddling with my baby. I was a little sad because I was walking out the door to go running and it was raining so that sucked.

Maggie and I had dinner with Dad and Mo. I talked about my various job options. It feels good to realize there are options. I'm so glad I finally realized I'm not trapped in my situation. It's amazing the difference from just realizing I'm not trapped and I don't have to continue being harassed. I feel so much better, so much less stressed. The difference is palpable. I'm interested to find out whether or not I need surgery. Either way, I'll be fine and that's nice to realize that. I know I keep saying the same thing but I just can't believe how much time I spent letting myself be treated horribly and getting sicker and sicker. I'm so glad this is almost over.

February 17, 2012

Today was (finally) my scan. I actually managed to make it to the place on time. Yea me! But I got very poor directions and I couldn't find anyone to help out so I couldn't actually find the place until like 9.40 (my appointment was at 9 am). I felt bad but damn; the hospital is huge and being renovated. Not one of the registration/help desks had someone working. It was no fun.

But once I finally got everything done and got to the right place, the scan went fine. The nursing student who put my IV in was awesome. I didn't feel a thing; I was quite impressed. I pretty much snoozed during the whole test. I'm interested to see how it comes out because they vaguely implied that everything looked fine. In which case, WTF mate? I'd so much rather have a clear answer. Although I think the problem is stress, more than anything else. I don't think it's a coincidence that the worst attack was after a particularly stressful day at work.

Anyway, after that was Maggie's eye follow-up appointment. We had fun (I almost always have fun with Maggie--are all parents this lucky?) playing and chatting. I coached her through introducing herself to the other girls in the waiting room and asking them to play with her. She was kind of grumpy about it (I think it makes her nervous to ask other kids to play--she kind of says (to me), "That girl wants to play with me."--oh, so sweet). Social skills are so hard to learn and unfortunately the best way to learn is through natural consequences, which often involve hurt feelings. Uh, I hate the idea of her feelings ever being hurt.

I talked to Richard for a long time on the phone and it was nice and easy. Which is good, it's nice to not be mad or sad with each other. After all, we'll be Maggie's parents for the rests of our lives.

We came home and took a long nap. Then we played dolls for a while. She was the eye doctor doing an exam on her puppets. She was rambunctiously, super hyper, so we decided to take a walk and Gran decided to join us. It was so nice. God, I'll miss this weather. It's perfect, we wore our jackets and just felt great. I always forget how great it feels to get off my a$$ and MOVE. I've been loving taking a walk or two every day, in addition to jogging, which is also very nice.

I talked on the phone for a little while with this guy I met. Definitely no sparks, he had this weird, nervous laugh that he laughed after almost every single thing he said. Alas.

Lent 2011

Ok, I'm doing Lent this year. I know traditionally Lent is about Sacrafice but I also wanted to add in an element of actually doing something. So. . . I have two goals (or whatever they are called) for Lent. A Do goal and a Give Up goal.

Do: Pray daily and attend church weekly
Give up: Bingeing

Yikes! I'm scared about this but we'll see. I'll try to keep this updated to see how I fare in this experiment. Wish me luck.

Hi, my name is. . .

Carrie.



I've been thinking a lot lately about what exactly that means.



Who am I? What's my life's purpose?



I think it's to be a mother. To raise my children. But I feel like I'm so bad at it that maybe that's not it.



I just don't know.



For anyone reading this, I'm curious. What is your life's purpose? What do you think you're supposed to do with your life?

SUCCESS!!!

OMG! I have had a major break through with the intuitive eating stuff.

After reading a couple of Geneen Roth books, I still felt unsure. I'm a very right-brained, analytical type person and her writing is less straight forward that I like. She writes beautifully and I like her books a lot but for starting out, I didn't find them very helpful.

So I bought the book Intuitive Eating by two nutritionists. I love, love it. No complaints at all. I've been following their guidelines as close as possible for less than a week AND. . .

1. I decided I wanted to binge last night. I had already surrendered to the inevitability of it. I had even gotten the food out. Suddenly I said to myself, "If you do this, it is a binge." And I didn't. I put the food back and left it at that.

2. I was hungry this morning but I had morning duty. I decided I would eat an apple to tide myself over until I could eat my breakfast. I took one bite of my apple, decided I didn't want it and threw it away.

3. Someone was getting people lunch at work today. I had my choice between Jack in the Box and Subway. I genuinely thought about the choice. I imagined eating my favorite meal from JB and it didn't seem like something I wanted.

I always pick the worst thing on the menu, always go for the worst (in terms of nutrition) choice. I chose Subway. And I was happy about my choice.

SUCCESS!!!!

Intuitive Eating Experiment

Day 1 (of keeping track): Yesterday was awesome. Aside from some major successes that I wrote about here, I learned some other things as well.

First I am feeling very confident about this. The fear is leaving and I feel like even if I didn't lose weight I would be ok with that because of how great I feel. My attitude toward food is so different. It's only been a week, maybe less and I feel so different. I can think about what I want to eat with no problem and I just decide. I'm not eating very healthy right now but hopefully that will eventually change.

I am still scared. Gaining weight is scary but I know it's part of the process. For the first time, maybe ever, I don't feel like food is an enemy. I just feel like it's food. I thought when I allowed myself to eat anything I would fast food and junk for months but already I'm eating better. Last night I wanted soup and bread. That's all. Maybe that doesn't sound so amazing. But for me whenever I've ever told myself I can eat whatever I want, I always choose the worst thing I can find. To choose something normal is crazy for me.

I also had a bit of a discovery. One of the things in the book they talk about is eating whatever you want. And if you want one thing and try to eat something different, you won't be satisfied. Last night I came home and wanted more soup and bread. But I didn't want to bother with making it so I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then ice cream and then more peanut butter and I still wasn't satisfied. I'll bet money if I had just taken the few minutes to prepare the soup I would have felt much better. At least I know now.

Day 2: Not as good today. I ate a big breakfast at about 9am so I shouldn't have been hungry for a while. But by noon I was desperate to eat again. Let me clarify, not hungry I just wanted to eat. I tried to figure out what was wrong, I chewed gum. But I wanted to eat. Finally I gave in and ate an early lunch. Not sure what to think of that. Maybe I was still wanting the soup and bread from last night. I just don't know. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. Wish me luck.

Well the day hasn't gotten any better. I'm wondering if this is a reaction to having such a good day yesterday. I can't really think of anything else. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Day 3: Much better day. I'm still really scared about this whole thing. What if I never stop eating? What if I keep wanting to eat nasty foods instead of turning to real, healthy food? How can I ever lose weight doing this?

I'm not asking for much. I don't want to be at a ridiculous weight just a good weight for my body. But how will eating like this get me there? I feel like everyone I read about it tends to me more on the anorexic side of things and I'm more on the bulimic side of things. Does that make sense? Maybe anorexics can be more successful than us. I don't know. I'm just scared. But I'm trying really hard to trust.

Scary

During my senior year of college I got a great job. Basically I sat at a desk all weekend. I worked at a condo that just needed someone at the office during the weekend. I didn’t show apartments or anything like that. My only responsibilities were to deliver packages that showed up and occasionally walk the building to make sure everything was ok. Super easy.



Since I was there Friday night, 12 hours on Saturday and most of Sunday, I decided to work out while I was there. So every so often I’d run the stairs of the building. Because they had elevators, the stairs were almost never used. They were not fancy but just concrete stairs.



So one Saturday night around 11pm or so I was running back down the stairs. I turned the corner and there was a man lying on the ground in front of the door to that floor. There was blood on the door so I figured he’d fallen down the stairs. He seemed barely conscious.
But suddenly my heart started pounding. My body was telling me something was wrong. That I needed to run.



It occurred to me that this could be a set up. If someone was behind me, I was done. They could do anything to me in this stairwell and maybe no one would ever know.


I turned around. No one. I heard the man say no as I told him I would get help.


I ran. I ran up those stairs 3 or 4 at a time. I had my cell phone with me and immediately dialed 911.


I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my life.


The police and firemen showed up. I took them back to where I’d seen the guy and I knew he wouldn’t be there. And he wasn’t.



There was still blood on the door but he was gone.


I’m sure he was on drugs or something and fell down the stairs. When he knew I was getting help, he probably just stumbled off to wherever he’d come from.



But still I bawled that night. I knew how close I’d come to something very bad happening. I still get scared when I think of it.


I imagine turning around and someone being there. A simple trap.


From me to you, take the elevator.