Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Shock and Awe

Life is really full of surprises. The biggest surprise seems to be that you never really figure things out. I kind of always thought as you got older and (supposedly) wiser things got easier. And maybe they do. Perhaps the problem is that the problems get harder.

I am a new mom to a wonderful perfect gorgeous 8 month old. She is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me. Which is the flip side of the harder coin; things also get better. Everything is bigger. Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done (although MC bootcamp is a really, really close second) and it never stops. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I did not know what it meant to love until I had my daughter.

Right now she is crying and I hate it. It makes me so angry. It is the worst feeling in the world. I want to pick her up and hold her and comfort her but I know that will only make her stay up that much longer and cry and not be able to sleep (I know because I am weak and usually break down and go get her). I also want to scream at her, "Just go to sleep. What is so hard about that? I could probably sleep in a moving car that I was driving," but I don't because. . . well that's pretty obvious. Sometimes I just want to put her on hold, like a time out. I don't want to be a mom for the next few hours/days. I just want to do my thing and do what I want. Like my boyfriend does.

I can't plan anything for me (a night out, a work meeting, an eyebrow wax) without also figuring out what I will do with Pie. Can she come with me? If not, who can/will watch her? Where will I meet them? What should I take? Should prepare in someway (ie pump, drive a special route)? And on and on. And of course I am always forget something. So I always look like a forgetful/careless/bad mom. Not that anyone is judging me. . .

But not R. He just makes his plans and sometimes he even clues me in. Like yesterday when he informed me he would be out of town next week. Did he tell me this to clue me in, to keep me in the loop? No, I was making an appointment for us during that week when he said, "Oh wait I have to be in Arkansas that week. I'm leaving Monday." Monday? As in a week from today? And if this hadn't come up when would I have found out. When he didn't come home on Monday????

And I get the feeling that this is it. Like as in this is how it will be. And really I wouldn't mind so much if R didn't blame everything on me. Oh you didn't know that the big family vacation that we have been talking about since last fall is in July? The one that has always been scheduled in July? And what's that you have a project deadline on the day we are supposed to be coming back? Meaning you can't go? At all? Oh it's my fault because I didn't keep you "in the loop." I guess conversations that you are a part of don't count.

Ah, relationships. We spend are whole life looking for a partner and the whole time we are with someone it's assess and review and review and assess. Are things working? Are we happy? Is he treating me well? Am I treating him well? It hardly seems worth all the damn analyzing.