Saturday, June 20, 2009

Becoming a Mommy

It amazes me that I consider myself a mommy. That I love that about myself. That I am so proud of that fact. I am more proud of being a mommy than I am of having a BS and being a teacher. If you had told me this a year or so ago I probably wouldn't have believed you.

The really funny thing is that I read article after article and books galore and they all said I would feel this way and I just didn't think it would be true for me. I didn't think I wouldn't really know how to relate to my non-mommy friends anymore. Or rather we wouldn't have much to talk about. I didn't think I would love talking to pregnant women and mothers whether strangers or people I hadn't liked so much in the past. And I certainly didn't think it would help me to become a better person. And yet I have found all of these things to be true.

My precious angel of a daughter was an accident. When my pregnancy test was positive I bawled. I called my sister and had a meltdown. And cried some more. R was so thrilled and I was so not. And that didn't change during my pregnancy. Throughout my pregnancy I was always protective of the life inside me and I prepared in various ways. But I was always very ambiguous. Part of this was because I could not picture my life as a mother. I would say to R, "In 4 months there will be a baby here," but I couldn't picture it. I could not imagine what our life would be like. No amount of reading books or magazines created a picture for me. This left me feeling quite distant from my baby. It just didn't seem like something that would happen.

After Maggie was born, I still felt. . . apart. I loved her, I felt fiercly protective of her, I nursed her and rocked and took care of her but I didn't feel overly connected to her. I wasn't in love with her. And then I was. It was kind of a slow thing but one day I just was overwhelmed by how much I loved her. I could stare at her forever and when I was apart from her I talked about her. To quote Lauryn Hill, in her tribute song to her son Zion,"How beautiful if nothing more than to wait at Zion's door, I've never been in love like this before."

Suddenly I got it. All the mothers that are so in love with their children, that will spoil them because they just can't stand to upset their kids, that will go to Hannah Montana concerts and soccer/baseball/football games. I became a part of this huge club that I didn't really even realize existed. I can talk on the phone to my grandma and tell her how much I love my daughter and she really understands. I don't sound crazy because she knows this feeling. This amazing feeling.

Being a mother is the best part of my life. Maggie makes me want to be better in every way. She brings me so much more happiness than I feel like I could ever give her. I can watch her play and just be in awe of what an amazing beautiful little girl she is. And, truly, I have never been in love like this before.

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