Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Secrets and Lies of the Mommyhood

You know how people always say, "That's one of those things no one ever tells you about being a Mom/homeowner/whatever." Although my experience is quite limited I want to share the secrets and lies I've learned about Mommyhood.

Evil, evil things can happen to your body. DON'T GAIN TOO MUCH WEIGHT. I know what your thinking, "Ben and Jerry's is calling to me." They called me too. Don't do it. No matter how sick you are. No matter how much you feel like shit. Don't do it. Oh the things that can happen to your body as a result of this. Still I am finding this out. Like more than 9 months after delivering I found out my abs still haven't gone back together. I have many stretch marks. My pelvic floor is in sad shape. Just trust me, show restraint. You may not ever appreciate it if you do but if you don't you will regret it.

Moving on. It turns out that pushing an 8 pound person out of your vagina can cause some serious trauma. And sometimes that trauma stays around for a while and shows itself at inconvenient times. Like say being unable to walk upright after having sex. And no one seems to know what to do about that. My sister just recently got her master's in nursing specializing in women's health and she had never heard of a hoo-ha physical therapist. No one I know had. I just found it online mostly by pure luck.

When my sister and I were discussing the toll pregnancy takes on the pelvic floor and that whole area, she told me that some women's poop pushes into their vagina and they have to push it back over so it will come out. AND the barrier/wall thing between vagina and anus can even break and poop can come out of your vagina. That, my friends, is something no one tells you about being pregnant; you might end up pooping out of your vagina.

I know of 2 bold, outright and pure evil, cruel lies and I am here to tell the truth. This rumor (fueled by Jenny McCarthy and her color-seeing orgasms, Sex and the City and Friends) that pregnant ladies are crazy horny. Lies, lies, untrue lies. This was the part of pregnancy I was kind of looking forward to. Instead I was in bed by 8pm almost every night the whole 9 months and I can promise you I wasn't dreaming about steamy sex. R and I were very disappointed.

Second lie. Breastfeeding does not help to lose weight. I swear to God I think this is a scam to encourage more women to breastfeed. Because holy shit it is so untrue. I was lucky enough to lose about 23 lbs. when my daughter was born but I didn't lose another fucking ounce for months. Well not quite that bad but still. Now with all that said I am super-duper-pro-breastfeeding. But tell me the truth you know? Don't tell me it doesn't hurt. It does. It hurts very badly. Don't tell me it's easy. It's not. It takes hard work and a LOT of determination. And don't tell me oh it will just melt the weight off. Lies, lies, evil lies.

Ok the last secret that I have discovered is this: you will fall head over heels madly in love with your baby. Yes, you too. I thought I wasn't really the mommy type. I thought I was capable of doing the job but I didn't think I would be over the moon in love with her. When people told me how much they loved being mothers I always thought well they're that type though, I won't be like that. Oh but I am and I love it. I feel like the luckiest woman on Earth to be the one and only mother to my Miss Mags.

Oh and you know how everyone tells you that once you have your baby you won't care about all that other stuff? Well that's mostly true. You might still bitch but it will be completely worth it.

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