Wednesday, July 8, 2009

He's Just Not That Into You

So, R and I have been together for a year and half (not to mention the years when we were separated by 1,000 miles or so) and, of course, we have our daughter together. I feel like we should be discussing marriage. He disagrees. This puts me in a pretty bad spot.

When one half of a couple thinks they should take it to the next level and the other one doesn't want to talk about it there are only so many options. The first and most obvious is that this couple obviously aren't meant to be together and should go their separate ways. And if we didn't have Maggie I would definitely be in this camp. I have no desire to be boyfriend-girlfriend for 8 years. If we had decided we weren't getting married but we were committed then fine. But we both believe in marriage and want to eventually get married (to someone). So, the obvious question, how long should it take for someone to decide whether or not they want to marry someone?

I have a friend who was in a long-term on-again/off-again relationship for several years. Once while we were having some drinks he said to me,"I have never been head over heels in love with her. Is it wrong for me to want to be with someone that I feel that way about?" I guess he decided it either was wrong or just wasn't possible because a few years later they got married and have been married for almost 6 years. And, truly, how sad is that? She pushed and pushed for marriage and she got it, but at what cost? I don't want that for me. I don't want to have to push at all. If R doesn't want to marry me I want to leave and find someone else who will want to marry me. But how do I reconcile that with the fact that we have a daughter together?

My guess is that the answer is. . . well, there isn't one. (Picture me doing a big, slightly sad shrug.) If I won't leave because of our daughter then I guess that's that. And maybe when R goes and has a few drinks with his friends, he'll lament,"I've just never really been in love with Carrie. Is it wrong for me to want to be with someone I feel that way about?"

1 comment:

becca said...

Ok, first of all, I love you too. And since we have now professed our love for one another... I guess you don't need Richard in your life anymore right?
Seriously though, this was such a real and heartfelt post. One that definitely warrants a comment, so here's my (rather strong - sorry) opinion (if you're actually looking for one):
You CANNOT have Maggie be the reason for staying with Richard. You are so young. Maggie is so young. The most important thing is to have Maggie growing up with parents who LOVE each other and are committed to a life together. She needs to see and feel warmth, trust, compassion, and understanding every day (or most days at least). Just having two people living in her house that she can call mommy (yes, one day she will say it!) and daddy is NOT what will be best for her. Better to know earlier rather than later if Richard is not in this for the long haul. Maybe once he dances in public with you he'll say he's ready, I hope he does!