Monday, July 6, 2009

Meds Gone Wild

I realized last night that my anti-depressants aren't working anymore. And haven't been for a long time. This simply amazes me. How the fuck did I manage to miss this? I have struggled with depression and its ugly effects for as long as I can remember. How did I not notice the signs?

And now that I have realized this, I am noticing 2 distinct emotions: relief and all-out fear. Relief that, hopefully, a medication change can help. Fear that a medication change won't help. Just writing that makes by stomach turn and my chest tighten. This is my constant fear: What if the meds don't work? I know I can't beat depression on my own. Believe me. I tried for years. I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked. Why medication never occurred to me until I was 25, I'm not sure. But it did work. It worked until I got pregnant. Since then it's gotten less and less effective. I have no idea why.

And the fear creeps in. Will meds eventually stop working completely? Will I have to change meds and be in limbo trying various meds until I find a fit over and over? How many times? And these questions have no answer. Well maybe they do but I am afraid to ask someone who could tell me. I am afraid the answer is that meds can stop working. That they can need to be changed often. The thought of slipping back into depression now, when I have a daughter, a boyfriend, a home, a career, is terrifying beyond words. The thought that my own brain could rob me of my life. . . what else is there to say?

Depression is a beast. It is a cruel disease. When your brain turns on you, what is left? I no longer have the lifestyle my depression created for me. I used to live alone. I tried not to leave my house except to work. I minimized contact with people. I hid out. I didn't bathe or take care of myself. I just sat and zoned out. But medication fixed that. I became a person. I fell in love. I finished school and started a real job. I had a child and bought a home. If it came again what would I do?

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