Friday, July 17, 2009

The Thing about R

First this post is totally a response to Becca who wrote a comment on my post about R being a commitment-phobe. (Becca, you have no email address on your page. How can I respond and tell you how great you are if I can't email you???)

So, R is an odd guy. (I just remembered that he told me he didn't want me to ever write about him on my blog. Hmm. . . I'm almost completely positive that he doesn't read it so. . . ) He loves me. He does. Sometimes he shows it in interesting ways but he does love me. He also sees us as being in an extremely committed relationship. He just doesn't know if it will last forever. He said to me, "How can I know how I'll feel in 10 years or 50?" Which almost exactly what my sister said to me right before she married her husband. Together we (me and Elaine) decided that you can't know but you have a pretty damn good idea and it feels ok and you go for it. Right? It's worked out well for Elaine so far.

But R doesn't know. Which leaves me a weird place. I say that if we didn't have Maggie I wouldn't put up with this but I don't know if that's true. This is what is so fucking confusing. On the one hand, I want to get married. It's important to me. But I realize that there is not so much difference in married life and living-together-committed-non-married life (at least I think). And R isn't so bad. He's silly. He dances a lot and then asks if I like what I see in a cheesy voice that always cracks me up.

In fact when we're together we're always laughing. It is really hard (although God knows I succeed when I need to) to be mad at R because he's so silly. He hammer dances. He bends over seductively :) in front of me. He bought like 5 pounds of candy so that he could sift through it to find the kind I like for Mother's Day. He crawls all over me in bed and refuses to let me read my book some nights because he needs attention. He calls me Mama Bear. He sings Who's that lady? occasionally for me. And that doesn't even cover our daughter, that he adores and plays with and hold and rocks and brings to me in the morning so I can nurse while I'm still waking up.

When I think about all of this it leaves me wondering why I would ever leave. Is a ceremony and marriage certificate worth missing out on hearing R sing,"Your my (clap, clap) la-dy!" I don't know. I really don't. Well that's not true. Tomorrow and the day after that, I don't know. But today I know.

1 comment:

becca said...

Thanks for the heads up on having no email on my blog... I guess I didn't want the paparazzi contacting me! It's there now though... so send an email ANYTIME!

In reading this post I actually think you may have married MY husband. Or at least it sounds they went to the same dance and singing school. He sounds like a fantastic guy and one worth holding on to. My advice on the other post was simply in response to your comment that marriage is an important ideal to you... if that piece of paper is not important then you're right... what you have going is the same as marriage as long as there is the commitment to each other there. I just wouldn't want you finding out 10 years down the road that Richard's not wanting to get officially married was his easy way out of the relationship. The hoop-la of a wedding is really just for everyone else, not for you as much. I could have saved a BOAT LOAD of money by not walking down the aisle with Tim and we'd be in the same happy place we are now.

Marriage is sometimes a leap of faith. Maybe sometimes you don't know 100% but if you know 90% then the odds are in your favor. If you only know 40% that you'll still be feeling it then I'd say it's not worth the risk. Keep talking about it with Richard... keep feeling it out and do what your heart tells you is right. Sorry to keep blabbering - hope you can take anything from it!