Thursday, July 2, 2009

What to do?

Ok, so now that I'm a Mommy and I love it and think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread, I want more. Many more. Like as many as is possible and R can bear. But here's the hard part. First, I would like to adopt all the rest of our children. I did not like being pregnant and I am more than happy to skip that part and still have lots of babies. However, R does not want to adopt any children that won't look like us (ie white). When he first told me this I was completely shocked. I am fine with any color, sex, etc. and assumed that R would be the same. I even found out how the process goes and that once you are ready, you can have a baby within a few months. But the majority of these babies are not white.

When I first told R about all of this he told me that he did not want children of any other race than white. Let me tell you, I was shocked. I thought this guy I've known since I was 14 and love a whole lot is a freaking racist. How did I miss this? On top of this, he refused to discuss it. So I kept bugging him until he explained. It turns out that he is afraid that if we adopt children that don't look like us he will not be able to bond with the baby. This seems ridiculous to me but I'm not sure what I can do to change his mind. Or that I should even try. Which is a bummer but not the end of the world.

So since everyone and their damn dog wants white babies I don't think that's gonna happen. Although who knows? I've done a little research on this and found that it's not as hard as people tend to think. Also, not as expensive (which annoys me--why do I have to pay for a white baby but the state will practically pay me to take a minority baby--WHAT IS WRONG WITH US???). There are many, many ways to get the government to help out. One site said up to $19000 can be paid for in grants (?) or something, which leads me to the scary question, "Uh, how much does adoption cost?" Either way I guess this door is still somewhat open.

Then there is of course the old fashioned way. We have our own little babies. I am not a fan of this course of action. For starters I hated being pregnant (which sucked because I had always looked forward to it). I was super sick and fat and icky. No fun at all. It changed me in ways I didn't even realize until months after Maggie was born. Pregnancy completely changed my personality. I went from being a confident, self sufficient woman to a vulnerable, scared little pregnant lady. It was awful. I was constantly bawling in the bathtub and breaking up with R. My weight ballooned, I had absolutely NO sex drive at all. Like none. I hated my job, my coworkers, my students. I had no energy. I didn't clean or organize or, really, anything. I was in bed by no later than 8pm pretty much my entire pregnancy. And even when I was well rested I had no motivation to do anything but sit and read or stare out a window. And I didn't even realize how bad things were until a few months AFTER Maggie was born when I started to switch back. And I still have physical problems from the birth. I'm still losing the baby weight (oh God that makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry). I still have trouble remembering words (You know the word, the one that means blah, blah. No, no not that. . . you know um, like, uh. . . ) and I forget everything. People tell me things and they go right out of my mind. I'm constantly getting people mad at me because I told them I would do something and then forgot. Or didn't show up. Or double booked.

The point being I don't want to be pregnant again. I don't like these changes at all. We're talking about over a year of being this way. And at first I tried to tell myself that knowing these things would make another pregnancy easier but I'm not so sure that's true. Part of it maybe, like the irritation and vulnerability and the weight. These thing could maybe (and that's a big MAYBE) could be lessened by knowing that they are a byproduct of pregnancy and not necessarily real. But really I think I would have to deal with all the same shit again and I just don't know if I can do that.

So then what are my choices? I don't know. Maybe I should convince R to adopt no matter what by reminding him of the massive weight gain, the refusal to clean or organize, the sadness, the constant breaking up and demanding of counseling, the sleepiness, and (my Ace up the sleeve) the complete and utter lack of sex. I feel that this combination of reminders could help me get my babies and never have to be pregnant again.

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