Friday, November 27, 2009

Birthday Party

I noticed that I never actually wrote about the fact that I threw a birthday party for Maggie. Well I did. The long-suffering Elaine is probably reading this thinking that she actually threw the party and I guess that's not far off the mark.

I called Elaine the day of the party and totally freaked out. R and I were still cleaning and I hadn't even gone to the grocery store yet. So Elaine went for me while R and I cleaned. I am so ridiculous lame. I promised Elaine I won't throw anymore parties. She told me that, for her part, she's not going to call me or answer her phone before said parties. Ha.

Actually Maggie's party was great. I had the idea to get a poster board and have everyone write something on it for Maya then take pictures with her in front of the board. It was really cute.

We had cupcakes, which Maggie wanted no part of. She cried when I kept trying to get her to eat some so I finally left her alone. She got scared when everyone clapped for her after singing to her. Poor baby.

She wasn't too interested in presents but she did like her cards. She was perplexed with everyone staring at her. She kept running through her "tricks": so big, pretty hair, etc. It was like, "Uh, people this is all I got, what do you want?"

Monday, November 23, 2009

To Do or Not to Do

I've been struggling with the idea of possibly changing careers. I don't really have any idea what I would do if I quit my current job but that's not really all that important. Assuming that finding another, higher-paying job were not an issue, here's my list of pros and cons of leaving my job. Please weigh in. Any and all opinions are quite welcome.

Pros
  • I could make more money. As a teacher I don't make too much money. Unfortunately I have debt including credit card debt, school loans, a car and making more money means I could pay that all off which would help me to eventually be able to work a lot less and spend more time with Maggie.
  • I'm not too thrilled with my job. I love and genuinely care for my students but I freaking hate all the red tape BS that I have go through. I feel like I'm constantly fighting admin (either my principal or the Sp.Ed. department) or dealing with crazy parents. I hate it. Not to mention that I work with defiant, oppositional, violent, aggressive children, meaning I've been hit, kicked, bit, spit on, felt up, you name it.
  • I feel like a job is just a job and no matter what it's just going to be something I do so I might as well make a lot of money doing whatever it is I do.
Cons
  • Less time with Maggie. As a teacher I have a ton of time off. I get a week off for Thanksgiving and Spring Break, a couple of weeks at Christmas AND all of summer. I'm very weary of losing that time with my baby. She's growing up so fast, I just don't know.
So there are my reasons. There are probably about a 1,000 more but this what I got so far. What do you think???

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Lady Parts

So Maggie is now very interested in her lady parts. It started off that occasionally while I was changing her diaper she would reach down and do some half-assed exploring. Then every time the diaper came off her hands were going for the gold. Now before I can get her diaper off she's got her ankles by her ears and she's grabbing her soggy diaper.

Wow.

I knew this would happen. I've taken child development classes and read Dr. Spock but wow. I really want to encourage a healthy sexuality in Maggie and yet. . . wow. She's essentially masturbating in front of me and her dad (poor R is so horrified by the whole thing--especially now that he can't deny what she's doing).

When I first heard that babies touch themselves I figured it was just an exploring thing and it didn't really mean anything. Then one professor pointed out that babies/children keep doing it because it feels good. Despite that being completely obvious, it rocked my world.

Babies can feel pleasure? Of the sexual kind? I thought you couldn't feel that until puberty or, you know, 20.

Maggie's doing her best to convince me that, yes, little babies can and do feel that kind of pleasure. WOW. Am I the only one shocked???

I feel so awkward about the whole thing. I don't want to remove her hand but I have to put a diaper on her. What do I do about this? Am I stifling her exploration by putting a diaper on her?

I try to smile at her so she doesn't think she's doing something wrong. I don't tell her no or move her hand before I'm actually putting the diaper on.

Good Lord this parenting gig is hard. Already I have to worry about sex stuff???

Wow.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Where does the time go?

Maya is getting so big. Somewhere I read/heard a saying, "The days are long but the years are short." So true. Some days feel like they take a century to get through. But then I turn around and my little baby can walk. And feed herself. And talk (sort of).

How does that happen?

And I know it's a good thing. As she gets older it just keeps getting better. She's more fun, sweeter, funnier.

I just feel this sense of desperation. Time is running too fast and I can't stop it or even slow it down. She is not mine forever. She will grow up and move out. She will have her own children or career or whatever she chooses.

She will only be a baby once. She will only be little once. One day she won't nurse. She won't cuddle. I'll be Mama, then Mommy, then Mom.

When she was just born, I remember telling R that our job as parents was to prepare Mags to leave us. What a sad truth.

It is the way of the world. The way things have always been. But that knowledge doesn't make it any less sad.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Long time, no write. . .

Holy crap it's been a long time. It's funny how the longer it's been since I've written the harder it is to get back in the swing of things. I'm usually mentally composing posts all the freaking time but lately I rarely thing of writing. Bad sign.

And of course, its NaBloPo or whatever month so everyone else is writing every freaking day. But not me. But no more long silences. I really would like to write regularly.

Ok, so that's it. Sorry for the boring post.