Wednesday, June 30, 2010

June 30, 2010

Day 9 of the South Beach Diet

Well I'm down 0.2 pound, which is better than gaining. Maybe I should have only weighed myself at the end of the 2 weeks.

I should write a little about the food. It's still so easy. I'm amazed at how not difficult or frustrating it is. I don't feel deprived at all. It really is an awesome diet and I am healthier. And eventually I will lose this last 14 pounds. I know it wants to stay but dammit it's going.

Best part of my day

Yoga was amazing today. It's not even hot yoga and I had sweat dripping down my face, my arms, my legs. I seriously got my ass handed to me.

Maggie was so happy today. It was great. She was laughing and being silly. I love her so much. Her silky curly hair. Her sweet baby face. Her belly laugh. I am the luckiest Mommy in the whole world.

Gratitude

I had visitors today. My Dad came over to see Maggie and me. Mostly he sat around and waited for Maggie to wake up but we did talk a lot about our upcoming vacation to Maine.

My stepdad came over too. He was only here to air up the tires on my bike. I know that sounds silly, but well, it's a long story. But I am so grateful to be able to ride my again. Although not today because it's raining. Stupid rain.

Then my friend Lisa came over and hung out. She doesn't have kids and I think she was a little shocked about being around a toddler. Maggie was in full form; climbing, yelling, laughing, not to mention she peed right next to Lisa. I can see how that might be a little shocking. I tried to calm Maggie and definitely kept her off of Lisa. I gave Lisa a towel to separate them in case Maya peed. Lisa was very sweet to her but I could tell she was surprised. I am too. Toddlers are f*cking crazy and they never stop.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

June 29, 2010

Day 8 of the South Beach Diet

AAHH!!! I gained again. I've decided to cut out olive oil (I get plenty of good fats) and add lots and lots of water. Also I will try to eat less at each meal.

Last night I went and got a pedicure and the lady doing it asked me if I was having a boy or a girl. I had just finished a big dinner that included lots of beans (if you catch my drift), but good Lord. That sucks. I've never been asked that before and I weigh 30 pounds less now than I did at my highest (not pregnant).

Best part of my day

I am addicted to my yoga classes. I think I'm going to focus on going to all yoga class for now. I am loving it. I'll probably still run a couple of times a week just to get in some good cardio (and hopefully fat/weight loss) but mostly yoga.

Yoga is truly the best workout. Usually you do yoga in one of two ways. Short holds or long holds. Short holds mean you hold every pose for a short amount of time but move quickly between poses. This makes your heart pound and is great cardio. Plus you get strength and flexibility and relaxation. The other kind is long holds. You move slower but hold the poses until you are pretty sure you are going to die. We did this kind today. I definitely got my heart rate up and my muscles were burning. Plus I still get the flexibility, the balance, the relaxation, the works. It's the perfect work out.

Gratitude

Maggie is potty training. We're on day 2 and it sucks. I very much don't like it. She also threw her first temper tantrum today. It was less than fun, although I did video tape some of it. Which I feel really guilty about. What a mean bitch.

Wait what does this have to do with gratitude? Oh, right. I am grateful that. . . I don't know. Not sure what I was going for.

I'm grateful for my funny daughter. We have been going through old videos and labeling and organizing them. When people ask her questions in the videos she tries to answer them. It is so cute. She also yells and waves at the people in the video. I love watching them with her. It's so sweet. Especially when someone in the video tells her to dance so she starts dancing.

Monday, June 28, 2010

June 28, 2010

Day 8 of the South Beach Diet

Um, I gained another 0.8 pound. I'm thinking something is wrong. To gain a pound in a couple of days insinuates I'm doing something wrong. Elaine has done the SB diet before so I'll ask her opinion.

She thinks it's just fluctuation and not to worry about it. I guess I'll see how it goes for the next little while. I'll probably lose tomorrow no matter what because I only had two meals and two snacks today (although I'll probably have a third snack). I didn't have time for breakfast because we had to go pick up my car (I did have snack). After working out I wasn't hungry and I kept forgetting to make something. I finally had breakfast at about 12.30pm and had been up since 7am. Whoops.

Best part of my day

I had visitors today. My Mom came over this morning and Elaine came over this afternoon. It's always nice to have company.

Gratitude

I conquered not one but two technologies today. First, I figured how to burn CDs (which has been on my to do list for about a year). It took forever because I thought I was doing it right and went through the whole 45 minute process and no. I had to start over on my laptop.

Then I figured out how to get more videos on the Internet so my family can see video of Maya. Turns out you have to delete old ones to make room for new ones. I had no idea.

Woo hoo!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

June 27, 2010

Surprisingly my sunburn that looked pretty bad last night is almost gone this morning. I am perplexed; I thought sunburns got worse the next day. Whatever. Now I'm mostly brown with a bit of red. I'm pretty sure I didn't put on sunblock often enough. Well, obviously.

I decided to go through my dressers last night (and my closet today) and clear out everything that is too big or something I'm never going to wear. I can't believe how much more room I have. Plus I discovered clothes I'd forgotten I had. Ah, uncluttering is a wonderful thing.

Day 7/End of Week 1 on the South Beach Diet

I gained 0.2 pound, which WTF. I'm not upset about it; I'm just surprised. I was hungry all day yesterday because we were out so I didn't have constant access to food. And I exercised and floated in a pool, I thought I'd for sure have a loss. But still not that horrible. Especially considering I still lost 7 pounds this first week. I am shocked. I can't believe that. That's amazing. I am becoming a spokesperson for SB diet. 7 pounds!

Best part of the day

Ok, I was a total grumpalumpagus today. But I did go to a really hard yoga class. This guy kicked my rear. That was a great part of the day.

Also when Maggie got up from her second nap, R brought in the room with us. She kept saying hi mommy and pretty mommy and giving me kisses. And she was just in a great mood. I'd say she's definitely feeling better.

Which means it's time to start potty training again. Yikes.

Gratitude

People who are kind to parents. There are two parts to this. One is that parents (or rather, children) are often discriminated against. People don't like them and don't tend to want them around unless they are related to them. While I've never noticed them (I'm not really the type to notice), I've heard of parents getting dirty looks.

Now I'm not talking about the parent who brings their baby and toddler to a midnight showing of Pineapple Express (true story!). That's ridiculous. I'm talking about being in the grocery store or any store. Being at the post office. Not when your kid is throwing a giant tantrum but just being a kid.

People that are still kind to my child mean a lot to me. I often worry that people are judging every move I make when I'm with my daughter and a kind smile or word goes really far.

The second is a fact. It's hard to do anything with a child in tow. Maybe that is less true as children get older but my daughter isn't yet 2 and it has consistently been true for me. Doing anything and everything is exponentially harder when she's with me. I have to carry her, her stuff, watch her constantly, etc. It's hard. When R, Maggie and I flew back from Atlanta, the bags took forever to show up. Finally we decided that R would go get the car and I would get the bags. Then we'd meet up.

We had only packed one huge bag and I was holding Maya. As soon as the alarm went off a man walked up and asked me if I thought I'd be able to get my bag. I said oh of course no problem. Even though I was thinking oh Lord I don't know. He got his bag well before I did but he waited until I made a move for my bag, then jumped in and grabbed it.

I can see how some people might be offended by this (or maybe I've just read too many feminist rants) but I thought it was so kind. He knew it would be hard for me to get a bag while holding a toddler. I couldn't really put her down in an airport baggage claim area filled with people and less than 3 feet from a door. So he waited politely and helped. That is true kindness.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

June 26, 2010

Last night R and I had a big fight about scheduling, etc. He was annoyed that I had scheduled something that required him to be home at a certain time without consulting him. I guess he's right but it does annoy me. I hate that he can schedule anything anytime because he just assumes I'll be with Maggie but I can't schedule anything ever without a consult because I can't make the same assumption.

When he got home (we argued via phone), everything was fine. Then ironically he went out (having never mentioned it to me) with his best friend and his BF's fiance to see a movie. I wasn't too irritated (although the irony was pretty thick) because I needed to clean and I was pretty tired since Maggie had woken me up at 6.30am yesterday.

Sometime in the night (probably around 11-1), R came home. He woke me up to tell me that he was sorry and he shouldn't have gone out and he realized that he was making decisions as a single guy instead of a family guy. We talked for a while about a ton of stuff. I really want to write all about it but it was really personal so I won't. Suffice to say it made me feel so much better about everything. It was truly an amazing talk. I love R so much. And he can be so guarded and closed off and combative. I don't know if he's ever opened up to me like that.

Moving on. . .

Day 6 of the South Beach Diet

I lost another 0.6 pound for a grand total of 7.2 pounds lost in the FIRST week. Wow. I am super excited about that!

I bought a pair of jeans online yesterday. I wasn't sure if I should or not. I only have one pair and it's not the greatest. Everything else is too big. But see, I have more I want to lose so I'm hesitant to spend money on something just to turn around and spend more money later. But still I need a pair. So I went on overstock.com and found a pair of very cheap on sale jeans and bought them. I think I got an exceptional deal because I think these jeans are very popular and usually expensive. They are called Seven something and I think I've heard of them.

I'm pretty sore today from yesterday's yoga class. I love it. I love yoga. I've been thinking about that a lot.

I've spent the past year (well, really the past 10 years) trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I ended up a teacher and while I love my students and my co-workers, I don't feel like it's my passion. So I've been trying to figure out what it my passion; what should I be doing. And the past few weeks, I think maybe I've had a bit of a breakthrough.

I've always wanted to own something. A doggy day care, a health store, a restaurant, something. And then I started thinking about becoming a personal trainer. But now I'm thinking about becoming a yoga teacher and eventually opening a yoga studio. I'm not sure. It's a big goal. I already feel unsure. The first thing I'd need to do would be to establish a regular yoga practice. I can afford to get a yoga membership (it would hurt but not horribly) but who would watch Maggie. The place I want to go to finally opened a studio near me (a sign?) but the best classes are during the day so again who to watch Maggie? Especially since I'd need to go most days, if not every day. I don't know; I need to give it more thought. Much more thought.

Best part of the day

We went out to R's Mom's house and swam all afternoon. It was blissful. I laid in the floaty thingy and it was so nice and relaxing and I am so tired now. Which is nice. I forgot how much the sun wears you out.

Gratitude

I'm grateful for my MIL (sort of--sort of MIL, not sort of grateful). I really do get along with her and genuinely like her. With all the horror stories about MIL/DIL relationships, I feel really lucky to get along so well with her.

Speaking of MIL horror stories, I have a friend whose MIL, when she met her for the first time, told her, "Oh no, you are too fat to date my son." What can you possibly say to that?

Friday, June 25, 2010

June 25, 2010

Day 5 of South Beach Diet
I lost another 1.2 pound today. Wow. Oh, wait I donated blood yesterday. That's probably more impressive than it should be. Well, I guess they only take a pint. I don't know. Either way, woo hoo!

I'm supposed to work out today but I'm not sure what to do. I'm scared to lift weights because you are supposed to wait 24 hours after donating before doing any heavy lifting. I am always so scared of hurting my arm after donating. I'm thinking of doing a Zumba class. That's all cardio, no lifting. I was going to do a yoga class but that has lifting using your body weight.

Later:
Problem solved! I decided to go to the Zumba class but I forgot it wasn't at my usual gym but at one further away. So when I was ready to go, it suddenly occurred to me that I wouldn't make it. So yoga it was. I googled the address and left.

Google totally f*cked me. It sent me to some tiny street in a different town. Somehow I managed to find my way to the class, sign Maggie up for the daycare and get to the class only 15 minutes late. I felt horrible coming in late. So rude.

Best Part of the day

Continuing from above because this class was awesome and the best part of my day. First, the class was huge. I was shocked when I saw how big the room was and packed wall to wall. I accidentally touched and was touched by the lady next to me several times. It was crazy. But it took me about two seconds to figure out why. It was one of the best yoga classes I've ever taken. I absolutely loved it. It was hard but I felt amazing. I will definitely be going back.

Gratitude


I am grateful today for my home. I love my house. I love improving it every day. I do little tiny things and they add up to make such a big difference after a while. Just keeping it clean and tidy make such a difference.

I love my neighborhood. We live on a beautiful cul-de-sac with huge trees and friendly people. I know both of my neighbors quite well.

I love all my windows. I open all the blinds in the house and there is so much light. The living room has giant windows and the sun room is almost all windows. I love it.

I love this home. I love this family. I love that it is ours.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Too much internet?

I've been thinking more about something I wrote about a few days ago. How much internet time is too much? Not even thinking about the time it's taking away from my daughter, how much is too much?

I worry that I'm obsessed or addicted to the internet. I feel like I need to check if I'm near a computer. The best way for me to really spend time with my daughter is to leave the house because otherwise I'll be tempted to sit down and check email and blogs and this and that. That seems less than good, you know.

I don't own a phone that can connect to the internet because, if I did, good Lord I wouldn't be able to do anything else. It's best to keep my internet sequestered.

The funny thing is I always feel a little bit superior when I can say, "Oh we don't have cable so we can't watch TV unless it's a DVD." I probably watch less than 2 hours of TV a week but I'm the computer for hours every single day. There is absolutely no difference.

I'm thinking about putting time limits on my daily internet time. Like I can get on 3 times a day for no more than 45 minutes per time. God, how sad is it that I need to cut my internet time down to 2 hours and 15 minutes. Of course, I don't actually know how much time I spend on the internet. Maybe it's already about there.

More than anything I want it to be something I think less about. I want to play with my daughter without running to check on the computer.

June 24, 2010

Day 4 of the South Beach diet
I lost another 0.8 pound today. Woo hoo!!! Very exciting stuff. It's still going quite well. Ironically I read a short article (well, skimmed) about detoxing diets and they said when you ditch the sugar, you can experience bad withdrawal symptoms for up to 2 weeks. Wow. I've noticed minor headaches but it's definitely much better. Here's hoping it stays that way.

When school ended, my Mom was so upset that she wouldn't be watching Maggie every day anymore (because for some reason she is not able to come to my house). So I offered to bring her over and let her stay the day once every week. My Mom was thrilled and quite grateful.

So starting last week, I brought her over and she stayed about 5 or 6 hours. Then today, which would have been the second time, they canceled because my Mom has had a migraine for 2 days and is going to the ER.

First, good Lord. Always sick. They are always sick. I bet the ER folks know them on a first name basis.

Second, you couldn't have given me any notice. They called this morning. I got the message as I was driving over there. Because I had this day, I've been packing it full of stuff that isn't convenient to have a baby at. So I had to find someone else to watch Maggie and cancel some stuff. Come on Mom. Geez.

Third, a few hours later my stepdad called me and said they would keep her early next week and I said I couldn't do that because of stuff we have planned but she could come again on Thursday. And, well he didn't say anything outright but I think he was mad. He was a little gruffy and said something about how much they missed her. It annoys me. It's not like we're in China. She's right here, just come over. Or join us when we go out. I'm not keeping her from anyone.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I'm not. I am very grateful that my Mom keeps her and I'm even grateful for the day I have to run errands without a toddler in tow. But come on. I'm just annoyed.

Best part of the day

Maggie's tumbling class. I really think I like it more than her. She likes it but I freaking adore it. Watching the little ones run around and do their little activities. It's just so cute and sweet. She did so well today. I was so proud. Well actually I guess she did fuss a lot but still she did most of the stuff and she was tired.

My little mama is getting so big. She's definitely starting up the terrible two's. She a little early though. I'm getting much more attitude although, the grandparents get it even worse. I guess you have to be firm or she'll run wild.

Gratitude

I donated blood today. And I'm grateful that my blood will help people. It's a weird thing to think about but possibly my blood could save someone's life. Probably not but it will help. I'm grateful that I'm able to do this. It's such a small thing to do. It hurts a little but it's quick and you get to sit back and (mostly) relax. And the payback is that someone gets vital medical help. That's a pretty nice return on your deposit.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

June 23, 2010

Day 3 of South Beach Diet

So far, so good. It's really not that hard and the more I think about it, the more I think how easy it would be to stay on this for life. Not Phase 1, just the diet. Instead of walking into a restaurant and thinking, "I need to eat healthy," (which, ha ha ha!, yeah right) you walk in and think, "I need to eat mainly lean protein (where can I not find grilled fish?), veggies and beans. Cheese is ok too. How hard could that be? Of course, I should point out, that I haven't actually been to a restaurant since I started this. But still I feel confident.

I lost 0.6 pounds since yesterday. And I was a little sad about that. Oh, poor me only losing more than half a pound in one day. So sad. Gah! Get a grip.

On that note, I cannot let go of thinking about calories and worrying about eating too much. Why am I such a freak? I've actually stopped eating because I was full at like 3 meals. That's unheard of for me. I never stop until my plate is clean or I'm going to vomit. I'm proud of myself for that but I'm still doing a lot of panicking. Although I guess I should just see how things go. If I continue losing weight at a sensible pace then obviously I'm doing fine. If not, then I can adjust. Emergency solved. What a drama queen.

Best part of the day

I love being so productive. Today I made food for Maggie and I all day. I cleaned the kitchen, my floors (vacuumed and swept the entire living area--foyer, office, kitchen, dining room, sun room, living room, hallway and bar) and my bedroom. I did a load of laundry (washed, dried, folded/hung up). I cleaned the litterboxes and brushed both cats. I spent for-freaking-ever picking out pictures for my new scrapbooks and pictures that I haven't gone through and bought yet (the whole time I had to tell myself, "You are not wasting time, this needs to be done," while I also berated myself for wasting time). I designed and printed covers for 9 scrapbooks AND researched and found some cheap scrapbooks for my project. I dropped off some clothes at the tailor and took Maggie to the science museum.

Wow this list makes me feel like a rock star. Although honestly I need to spend a little less time doing all this stuff and more time with Maggie. I feel like I'm a little too excited about getting everything done and not spending enough time with her. God this parenting gig is tough. You can't win for losing sometimes.

But then again maybe I do. I don't know. I feel like I'm doing something else a lot of the time. You know she's playing by me but I'm also reading or on the computer and that doesn't count. I beat myself up for this more than anything. And I feel like I'm cheating her all the time. I have this time with her and I should be spending the vast majority of it with her, completely focused on whatever we're doing. Why is that so hard?

Also I haven't exercised today so I'm feeling guilty about that. I should be able to take the dog on a walk or walk on the treadmill tonight so maybe I won't have to feel bad about that.

Still all in all, a freaking fantastic day.

Gratitude

I'm grateful for my body and my health. Last Saturday I was in a yoga class and I noticed a man outside the windows working out. He was on crutches. When I looked closer, I could see he only had one leg. And he's still at the gym working out.

I have a healthy body. I have no pain when I work out (no bad pain) other than the occasional twinge from my hips (and that tends to happen when you fracture both of your legs in 3 places). I am able to work out. Imagine having asthma that prevents you from exercise or being paralyzed from the neck down. Or having newborn triplets and can't leave the house. Or having 3 jobs and can't find the time. It's a blessing that any fad workout class or whatever, I can try without worrying I'll hurt myself. I can do anything I want.

And that's a blessing.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

June 22, 2010

Day 2 of South Beach diet. I lost 4 pounds since yesterday. As nice as that was to see, I don't think it means too much. I mean that was probably mostly bloat, but still it was a nice way to start the day.

I have had a headache all day despite taking medication. Also my stomach hurt after lunch. Although I was out in Texas heat and when I got home and drank some water, I felt much better. Anyway, I was reading about Linda doing the Paleo diet (which is pretty similar to the SB diet except they also have very little or no dairy) and she talked about having bad headaches for the first few days. She did some research on it and came to the conclusion that she was probably experiencing withdrawal from sugar. I wonder. . .

Today's life rule: Be the kind of woman I want Maggie to be.

I think about this a lot. I want to model for Maggie what I want for her. Which means respecting myself, living with passion, being responsible, taking care of myself, etc. Those are huge goals. It's not always possible (I don't think) to live the ideal. But it certainly is a major motivator to try. Maggie will probably be more like me than I would like so it's important that I'm showing her as much good as I can.

Best part of the day: R apologized! When he came home, I immediately asked him to do something for me and he snapped at me. I've been trying to lay off when he first comes home. I know I hate being bothered the second I come in the door and R is worse than I am. If I give him about half an hour or so to decompress, he's fine. Either way he shouldn't have snapped at me and it really pissed me off. I decided to just walk away and let it go rather than start a big fight. Then about half an hour later, he came up to me and said he was sorry and gave me a kiss. This is so unlike R (the apologizing), which is bad, but it feels like improvement, which is good.

Gratitude: I haven't written about R in a while. Things are better between us than they have been in a very long time. I am trying so much harder at being more loving and less nagging. It's not always easy. It is so much easier to be annoyed at him, to snap at him, to ignore him. Engaging with him (in a good way), not letting myself get angry, letting go, not taking every little thing personal, etc. is the hard part. But I can't expect him to do these things if I won't. Being in a relationship is hard. It is so much harder than I ever understood. But it's worth it.

I tend to have a martyr-ish personality and I love being able to say oh look at all I do and why are you so horrible. But good Lord who is going to respond positively to that. I mean seriously. I can make such a huge difference in my relationship. Why is this so surprising to me?

I am constantly proving things I've heard over and over right. You hear things like attitude is a choice and I am the master of my fate. I tell my students this, I tell myself this and yet when I see the proof of it in my life, I am always surprised. I guess life experience is the best teacher. Of course that only works if you can be open to learning your lesson.

Which is not to say that R is perfect. Far from it. But worrying about R's imperfections is unlikely to help our relationship. I read a magazine article that put it beautifully. Basically any relationship is an equation: a+b=c. I am a, R is b and our relationship is c. In this equation, I cannot change b. So if I want c to change what's the ONLY thing I can do? Change a; in other words, change me. R may snap at me or not do what I think he should do or whatever but I have to choose to engage.

A great example of this: When R's dad, R Senior, flew to Atlanta for his other son's graduation. At the airport, he had a bottle of water. The security guy told him, "You can either go back outside, finish your drink and come back through security or you can throw it away." So R says, "Well I'm not going back outside." I guess the security agent was in a bad mood because R said he got very combative and said something like are we gonna have a problem. Now seriously how many people would have gotten pissed and snapped at that guy? Considering how many altercations I've had with security people, I'm pretty sure I would have (although I hope I wouldn't anymore; I hope fights with security people are over). But R's dad said, "Sir, I think you misunderstood me. I meant I'll throw the drink away."

He was laughing as he told the story but really, what a great guy he is. He really is kind to everyone and incredibly polite.

Back to R Junior, he's been really great. I really do love him and want to make a life with him. Which is a great thing to be grateful for today.

Monday, June 21, 2010

June 21, 2010

Remember how I was going to write about my life rules (is that what I called them?) and then stopped. I completely forgot. Whoops. But now I remember so. . .

The days are long but the years are short.

Oh good Lord. The first time I heard this it hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so freaking true. A bad day or really even a good day can seem like an eternity. But you look up and your infant is talking and walking and pretending to talk on her phone. How does that happen?

Being a mom is wonderful. I am happier as a mom than I am at anything else. And I never thought that would be true for me. I honestly didn't think this level of happiness and love existed. I thought it was made up for cheesy novels. And yet I feel it for my daughter.

But the flip side is that parenting can also be monotonous and boring and tedious. Not all the time. But there are times when it so is. I mean think about it: Maggie is not even 2 years old. Everything is completely new to her. So she is quite thrilled to sit and look at a book for an hour. Or a block. And not really an hour. In reality she's running from thing to thing and I am chasing after but she usually doesn't even really notice I'm there because she's doing her own thing that makes sense to her but I'm thinking WTF. But of course then I blink and she's getting her driver's license. You can't save time or get it back. She'll never nurse again. I'll never swaddle her again. She'll never be tiny again. We can only move forward. And every single day takes her further and further away from me. I'm going to cry.

New topic. So I started my first day of the South Beach diet today. So far, it seems easy enough. Nothing too difficult. I felt better today. Although after one day, really what can I say? After the carb/sugar/bad fat/fried crap/sweet crap overload I've been on, anything would have been better. Still I'll try to update regularly to keep track of this whole thing.

I also went to an exercise class that's all strength. Holy freaking crap. My arms were shaking so bad and I purposely got really lite weights for just in case. Thank the Lord cause holy cow the class was hard. But I do feel like I can't wait to go again.

Best part of my day: Cuddling with Maggie. She lays her head on my chest and wraps her arms and legs around me. I talk to her, sing to her, rub her back, stroke her hair. I love it so much. I sniff her and just breathe her in.

Gratitude: Today I'm going to go with family. I love family. I love holidays and get-togethers. I think of books and movies and thinking oh I love family scenes and the idea of families. But really I have that. I love my family.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

June 17, 2010

I'm planning on starting the South Beach diet next week. I'm very excited about it. I've never actually gone on a diet before. Not like a real diet plan and followed it. I've lost about 20 pounds and been stuck here a while so I thought I'd try something else. Plus I think sugar is pretty evil and I like the idea of detoxing off that.

I turned 28 this week. Which is crazy. Life is going by so freaking fast. It felt like it took a million years to get to 18 and the ten years since then have passed in the blink of an eye. How does that happen?

I finally went to an exercise class at the gym and brought Maggie with me. I hadn't been going because I was nervous about putting her in the gym day care. Why am I always so silly about stuff like this? It was fine. No, it was great. I had a great, fun work out (that I'm paying for every month!) and she had fun with the other kids and toys and stuff. We're going to another class in the morning.

I'm having a big Father's Day brunch on Sunday. I'm not really nervous about it this time. This is the third big party I've thrown. The first two were narrowly avoided disasters (and only avoided because of wonderful, kind-hearted Elaine) but the third was great. I didn't go overboard and try to do too much and I was laid back the whole time. I'm going into this one with the same attitude and I'm sure it'll be great. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm making 3 different kinds of muffins and 3 different kinds of pancakes. Which I guess seems like a lot but, even made from scratch, muffins and pancakes are super easy.

Also my stepbrother, whom I haven't seen in about 10 years is coming. That'll be nice. He's married and has a daughter, who is 3. I'm looking forward to meeting them. And how fun will it be to have another little girl there.

Speaking of other little girls, Elaine's baby is a girl!!! I'm so excited. I cannot wait for that little baby to get here. I'm so excited for all of it. The birth, the shower, the baby. Oh, the baby.

Best part of my day: Maggie's tumbling class. It's so much fun. Watching her do the activities and especially this time to see her understand better and participate more was great. She just laughs and runs and we have so much fun together. I love it!

Gratitude: I'm so grateful for everything. For my clean house, for my family, my daughter, my pets, my life. I am so lucky in so many ways. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

Friday, June 11, 2010

June 11, 2010

Life Rule: Doing a little bit every day is better than doing it all at once. Or never.

I wrote about this a couple of days ago, I think. Basically I have bad habit of thinking I can get everything done and then do nothing forever. But what always ends up happening is that I get my couple of "free" days and then I never want to do it again. Then I let things build up so that just the thought of working on something is so overwhelming, I avoid it altogether. So I'm trying to do things every day. To rid myself of the idea of having days off. Life needs to be lived daily. Things like cleaning up after yourself, getting dressed, exercising and eating well should be done daily. They should just be a part of life.

I struggle with this is so many ways. The more I write, the more I think of other ways this manifests itself in my life. I guess this might end up being something I work on for the rest of my life. It's one of those things that even though I know how much happier and how much more satisfied this makes me, I constantly have to fight to remind myself to do this.

Best part of the day: I had a birthday dinner with part of my family. My sister and brother-in-law, my Dad, my stepmom and my other sister were all there. Along with Maggie and I (R had to work.). It was nice being around people. Elaine is now noticeably pregnant, which is so exciting. Well actually it's not all that noticeable but I did see it when she moved a certain way. Very exciting.

Gratitude: I'm grateful I have the summer off. Although I do sometimes have a harder time when I have unstructured time, I'm trying really hard to be proactive and keep myself productive. It's such a waste to not enjoy this time off. And so far, this summer, every day has been great. Every day has been productive. I have exercised and eaten well every day. I have been happy every day. It really is such a gift to have this time to enjoy my daughter and live my life.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

June 10, 2010

One of the things in the Happiness Project is the idea of having sort of Life Rules that you live by. I've created a few and I like the idea. But I have a tendency to not think about that sort of thing. Even if I read over the list daily, I'm afraid it wouldn't really sink in, you know. So I thought maybe I could write about my Rules to try and remind myself why I picked them and what they mean to me.

So my first Rule is: Love is all you need. I made this rule because I think that I tend to keep score in relationships. I.e. I did x, so I'm not talking to you until you do y. Even though I haven't told you that. It's a horrible trait and I'm actually really bad about it, especially with R. So my goal is to always remember that I love R and treat him that way. Not just R but everyone. Love is, in my opinion, the meaning of life. Not only romantic love but the love we have for our kids, our friends, our family. I need to be doing everything I can to show my love. Life is short and if you miss your chance, it's gone. I want everyone I love to know that I love them.

Best part of the day: I had another wonderfully productive day, which is always so fabulous. But for my best part, definitely Maggie's tumbling class. It was so cute watching her do all the little things. It was more involved than I thought and I did the whole thing with her. We had so much fun.

Gratitude: My baby is all better. She's ravenous but she's well. It's so nice to my sweet, funny little girl back. She's starting doing silly little things, like pinching noses and making little jokes. I am so lucky to have such a sweet baby. I love her so, so much!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

June 9, 2010

Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project) talks about having a good bad day. Essentially it's a bad day but you still get stuff done, you don't go crazy and yell at people, etc. Today was a good bad day. I got a lot of stuff done. Not everything but a lot. I exercised. I ran errands. I cleaned. I organized. I didn't yell at anyone or anything else that I feel guilty about. She's right it's much better this way.

I had never thought of doing things this way. I have always kind of thought, if you are having a bad day you deserve a break. Slack off, eat whatever, don't work out, don't do anything, or talk to anyone. So on and so forth. But then I end up feeling lazy, unproductive, out of control, antisocial, fat, etc. Not so great feelings. And when you are already having a bad day, why add more badness?

I'm not going to write about why I'm having a bad day. Why think about it or preserve it for years to come? Better to remember the good stuff, than the trivial B.S.

Best part of my day: I got to talk to Elaine a lot today. Elaine is probably my favorite person to talk to. I always get her and know what she means and she always gets me and knows what I mean. It's one of those effortless relationships that are so rewarding. Hopefully her being laid off means we'll get to spend a lot of time together this summer. Fingers crossed.

I'm really glad that I can look back over my day and know that I got stuff done, that I didn't binge on a pint of ice cream or scream at my ultra-whiny baby. It feels really good to think, well it wasn't the best day but I cleaned, I ran a few errands, I marked some things off my to do list, I exercised and I cleaned the litterbox.

Gratitude: After my GG died in January, the family got together to start cleaning out her house. My Mom wanted us to take a ton of stuff but most of us declined. We did all take some things. I filled a little tote bag with some letters, a book, some pictures, two purses, a ring for Maggie and a jacket. I brought the tote bag home and I haven't really touched it. I just haven't wanted to look at the things, you know. Today I decided to go through it. I pulled out the jacket and went to hang it up. On impulse I put it up to my nose and inhaled. And it was like she was right there. I didn't even know GG had a smell but there it was. Like sweet baby powder. After I cried, I kept thinking how can preserve this so the smell won't go away. But it will. No matter what I do, it will go away and there will be no way to get it back.

GG was a tough lady. She took no bullshit and was hard to deal with sometimes. But I really loved her. She would sit in her blue chair or on her little love seat sometimes and I would sit on the couch and she would tell me stories. Stories about everything. My childhood, her childhood, my mother's childhood. Her first marriage to my grandfather, my parent's marriage, my Mom's current husband, everything. And I loved it. I loved hearing all her stories. She always made me sandwiches. Tuna, pimento cheese, chicken salad (when I used to eat meat). She had these funny little spreaders for that. Like knives with no blade, just to scoop and spread. And these coaster with a little sidecar for pills or your spoon.

I just miss her. I'll remember she's gone and try to bargain it away. Like that's not possible because x, y and z. But it is true. I just really wish it wasn't.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

June 8, 2010

I'm still very interesting in this whole eating thing. I've been thinking about it and it's not just when I overeat or "cheat," it's also with regular meals. I look so forward to eating and, when I notice, I feel disappointed after. And it's not that I'm sad the food is gone, it's something else.

I guess I would have to figure out what I do get from eating. Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm quite perplexed.

Best part of the day: It's been a pretty darn good day. I've gotten a ton of stuff done. Maggie is feeling much better. Watching Maggie play with my cell phone is so cute. She says hello, who is it. And it's always her grandpa (my Dad) and she tells him stuff (although I usually can't understand). She does ask him how he is. It's so stinkin' precious.

We played in the backyard and I let my cat come out too. She attacked some small animal but I'm pretty sure it escaped. Greenlee, kitty hunter.

It's a gorgeous sunny day.

Gratitude: I'm grateful I was productive today. I'm grateful I got up on time. I'm grateful I was able to go to the grocery store. I'm grateful I worked out and will hopefully be good sore tomorrow. I'm grateful my baby girl is getting better and other than being very whiny this afternoon she's been great all day. I'm grateful I got to talk to my sister today even if she didn't call with the best news :(. I'm grateful she'll be having a baby soon! I'm grateful I've given up on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I know it's hugely popular but, for me, what a snooze fest. I'm most of the way through Fellowship of the Ring and other than a few parts it's just been so overwhelmingly boring. Now I'm reading a relationship book as recommended by R's and my counselor. I guess that's it.

June 8, 2010

So I noticed something last night that I've been noticing for maybe the last year or so. Like most women I've always had issues with overeating/bingeing/what-have-you. But I've noticed lately that I feel the urge or desire, I eat something and I still feel. . . empty, lacking, something. And I feel disappointed. Which leads me to the conclusion that I am looking for something but what. Realizing this has helped cut down on the overeating but still I wonder what I'm really wanting.

Monday, June 7, 2010

June 7, 2010

Best part of the day: Well first of all, today is the first day of summer! Woo hoo!!! Maggie is sick so that stinks but I've still been able to get a lot done. Good Lord how have I missed the memo my whole freaking life. Getting things done, exercising, getting dressed, basically being a normal person makes me so happy. I feel so much better about everything when I do these really simple things. I feel like it's my lot to learn this over and over. Although perhaps I can go ahead and learn this for now and have something else be my lot.

I've been loving my podcasts. I save them for things I'm not too thrilled about doing, like say exercising or cleaning or running errands. And it makes me look forward to doing those things. I love storycorps from NPR. There was an old couple telling the story of how they met and something about the couple reminded me of R and I and I smiled. It was quite sweet.

I started my Happiness Project today. So far, so good. This month I'm working on Energy. I'm trying to exercise every day. Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) wrote about how it's easier for her to do something every day instead of a few days or even most days. And I'm like that too. If it's something I have to do every day, then I just sort of accept that but if it's something I do occasionally I'll bargain with myself or try to do a lot one day and nothing the next 5 days. Doesn't work out so well for me. Hmmm. . . maybe this will be my lot in life.

In the same way she quotes someone saying essentially that abstaining, for him, is as easy as moderation is difficult for him. That is so me. I have a lot of trouble with moderation. I tried to follow the Body for Life diet once and it was bad. The eating part of it is that you follow their plan 6 days a week and then eat whatever you want on the 7th day. That didn't work out so well for me. You can do an awful lot of damage in one day. Especially if you are feeling super deprived those other days.

How did I get off on this?

Anyway, I'm working on exercising daily, doing about 30 minutes of cleaning daily, marking one thing off my to do list daily and organizing something for 10 minutes a day. Today I did everything. Woo hoo!

Gratitude: I'm really grateful for the Happiness Project. I really love the book and feel like it's very much changed the way I see myself. For years I've been telling myself that certain aspects of my personality were set and there was nothing I could do about it. And I had just started telling myself that's not true and I can control things. Which of course is a huge part of the book. And I guess it's the whole when the student is ready, the teacher appears. There's nothing too groundbreaking in her book (although I love her writing and like how she sums up research and opinions, etc.) but I was starting to come around to this viewpoint and this book backs that up.

I'm grateful that I feel so much better. For way too long I've been thinking that other people or medicine or circumstances are responsible for the way I feel and consequently the way I act and it feels pretty nice to let go of that.