Tuesday, June 22, 2010

June 22, 2010

Day 2 of South Beach diet. I lost 4 pounds since yesterday. As nice as that was to see, I don't think it means too much. I mean that was probably mostly bloat, but still it was a nice way to start the day.

I have had a headache all day despite taking medication. Also my stomach hurt after lunch. Although I was out in Texas heat and when I got home and drank some water, I felt much better. Anyway, I was reading about Linda doing the Paleo diet (which is pretty similar to the SB diet except they also have very little or no dairy) and she talked about having bad headaches for the first few days. She did some research on it and came to the conclusion that she was probably experiencing withdrawal from sugar. I wonder. . .

Today's life rule: Be the kind of woman I want Maggie to be.

I think about this a lot. I want to model for Maggie what I want for her. Which means respecting myself, living with passion, being responsible, taking care of myself, etc. Those are huge goals. It's not always possible (I don't think) to live the ideal. But it certainly is a major motivator to try. Maggie will probably be more like me than I would like so it's important that I'm showing her as much good as I can.

Best part of the day: R apologized! When he came home, I immediately asked him to do something for me and he snapped at me. I've been trying to lay off when he first comes home. I know I hate being bothered the second I come in the door and R is worse than I am. If I give him about half an hour or so to decompress, he's fine. Either way he shouldn't have snapped at me and it really pissed me off. I decided to just walk away and let it go rather than start a big fight. Then about half an hour later, he came up to me and said he was sorry and gave me a kiss. This is so unlike R (the apologizing), which is bad, but it feels like improvement, which is good.

Gratitude: I haven't written about R in a while. Things are better between us than they have been in a very long time. I am trying so much harder at being more loving and less nagging. It's not always easy. It is so much easier to be annoyed at him, to snap at him, to ignore him. Engaging with him (in a good way), not letting myself get angry, letting go, not taking every little thing personal, etc. is the hard part. But I can't expect him to do these things if I won't. Being in a relationship is hard. It is so much harder than I ever understood. But it's worth it.

I tend to have a martyr-ish personality and I love being able to say oh look at all I do and why are you so horrible. But good Lord who is going to respond positively to that. I mean seriously. I can make such a huge difference in my relationship. Why is this so surprising to me?

I am constantly proving things I've heard over and over right. You hear things like attitude is a choice and I am the master of my fate. I tell my students this, I tell myself this and yet when I see the proof of it in my life, I am always surprised. I guess life experience is the best teacher. Of course that only works if you can be open to learning your lesson.

Which is not to say that R is perfect. Far from it. But worrying about R's imperfections is unlikely to help our relationship. I read a magazine article that put it beautifully. Basically any relationship is an equation: a+b=c. I am a, R is b and our relationship is c. In this equation, I cannot change b. So if I want c to change what's the ONLY thing I can do? Change a; in other words, change me. R may snap at me or not do what I think he should do or whatever but I have to choose to engage.

A great example of this: When R's dad, R Senior, flew to Atlanta for his other son's graduation. At the airport, he had a bottle of water. The security guy told him, "You can either go back outside, finish your drink and come back through security or you can throw it away." So R says, "Well I'm not going back outside." I guess the security agent was in a bad mood because R said he got very combative and said something like are we gonna have a problem. Now seriously how many people would have gotten pissed and snapped at that guy? Considering how many altercations I've had with security people, I'm pretty sure I would have (although I hope I wouldn't anymore; I hope fights with security people are over). But R's dad said, "Sir, I think you misunderstood me. I meant I'll throw the drink away."

He was laughing as he told the story but really, what a great guy he is. He really is kind to everyone and incredibly polite.

Back to R Junior, he's been really great. I really do love him and want to make a life with him. Which is a great thing to be grateful for today.

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