Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Epiphany, part 2?

After I wrote yesterday’s blog post I remembered something. I remembered an email that I sent to my sister (the lovely Elaine) when I was 17 or 18. The title of the email was Epiphany (I remember this because I could not figure out how to spell that freaking word). I don’t remember exactly what I wrote (except for the lines: I am not fat. I do not have a weight problem.) but the gist was that I was using the never-ending process of losing weight to avoid living life. To avoid dealing with my real problems. Basically constantly losing weight/gaining weight/finding new diets/starting new exercise plans was my way of avoiding life and the myriad of problems it contains.

As of today I am 28 years old. I wrote that email 10 or 11 years ago and I wrote a very similar post yesterday. Yikes!

At first this greatly depressed me. I thought oh this is impossible, I’ll never overcome this, I’m doomed. (Drama queen??? Me???)

But then I remembered (ok, I googled, but I remembered the gist) a quote. Knowledge without action is wasted. I knew what the problem was 10 long years ago but I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. The question is do I know what to do now. I think I do. I really do. It’s super hard but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I won’t be the first person on Earth to have to relearn how to eat like a normal human being. It can be done. Right now I’m reading lots of Charlotte for inspiration. She had a totally f-ed up relationship with food and now a few months (that’s not so long!) later she’s on Cloud 9. She writes about how free and amazing she feels. I want that so bad. And if she can do it, so can I.

Last night, I had a huge binge. The biggest one in a while. I had eaten fine all day and followed (mostly) the eating guidelines. I went to an amazingly wonderful yoga class. I thought about food a lot during the class. On the way home I knew I wanted to eat. A lot. I knew it was coming. And I felt powerless. I’m not sure what to do when that feeling comes on. I try to tell myself it’s an urge, a desire but I don’t have to do it. I don’t have to binge.

Does it feel good in the moment? Yes, unfortunately it does. It feels great but it will always make me feel like crap after.

This isn’t going to happen over night. I have to put in the work. It’s not fun but it is what it is. I just don’t want to give up. I know I am probably gaining more weight and that’s so scary. I keep wanting to quit and just go back to dieting to lose weight but I know, in the long run, that won’t work. The weight will come off when I can follow the guidelines. It’s that simple. But this is so scary for me right now.

1 comment:

Charlotte said...

You are awesome Carrie! I love that you are doing this and being so honest about it. I think you nailed it at the end: it won't happen over night. But it WILL happen. This isn't a quick fix like a diet pill or a super restrictive diet. This is the rest of your life and the body you will inhabit for it. Just recognizing the feeling of an impending binge and going through the questioning process of why you are feeling that way is progress! Keep up the good work, girl!