Friday, October 15, 2010

Hi, my name is. . .

Carrie.



I've been thinking a lot lately about what exactly that means.



Who am I? What's my life's purpose?



I think it's to be a mother. To raise my children. But I feel like I'm so bad at it that maybe that's not it.



I just don't know.



For anyone reading this, I'm curious. What is your life's purpose? What do you think you're supposed to do with your life?

Friday, October 8, 2010

SUCCESS!!!

OMG! I have had a major break through with the intuitive eating stuff.

After reading a couple of Geneen Roth books, I still felt unsure. I'm a very right-brained, analytical type person and her writing is less straight forward that I like. She writes beautifully and I like her books a lot but for starting out, I didn't find them very helpful.

So I bought the book Intuitive Eating by two nutritionists. I love, love it. No complaints at all. I've been following their guidelines as close as possible for less than a week AND. . .

1. I decided I wanted to binge last night. I had already surrendered to the inevitability of it. I had even gotten the food out. Suddenly I said to myself, "If you do this, it is a binge." And I didn't. I put the food back and left it at that.

2. I was hungry this morning but I had morning duty. I decided I would eat an apple to tide myself over until I could eat my breakfast. I took one bite of my apple, decided I didn't want it and threw it away.

3. Someone was getting people lunch at work today. I had my choice between Jack in the Box and Subway. I genuinely thought about the choice. I imagined eating my favorite meal from JB and it didn't seem like something I wanted.

I always pick the worst thing on the menu, always go for the worst (in terms of nutrition) choice. I chose Subway. And I was happy about my choice.

SUCCESS!!!!

Intuitive Eating Experiment

Day 1 (of keeping track): Yesterday was awesome. Aside from some major successes that I wrote about here, I learned some other things as well.

First I am feeling very confident about this. The fear is leaving and I feel like even if I didn't lose weight I would be ok with that because of how great I feel. My attitude toward food is so different. It's only been a week, maybe less and I feel so different. I can think about what I want to eat with no problem and I just decide. I'm not eating very healthy right now but hopefully that will eventually change.

I am still scared. Gaining weight is scary but I know it's part of the process. For the first time, maybe ever, I don't feel like food is an enemy. I just feel like it's food. I thought when I allowed myself to eat anything I would fast food and junk for months but already I'm eating better. Last night I wanted soup and bread. That's all. Maybe that doesn't sound so amazing. But for me whenever I've ever told myself I can eat whatever I want, I always choose the worst thing I can find. To choose something normal is crazy for me.

I also had a bit of a discovery. One of the things in the book they talk about is eating whatever you want. And if you want one thing and try to eat something different, you won't be satisfied. Last night I came home and wanted more soup and bread. But I didn't want to bother with making it so I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then ice cream and then more peanut butter and I still wasn't satisfied. I'll bet money if I had just taken the few minutes to prepare the soup I would have felt much better. At least I know now.

Day 2: Not as good today. I ate a big breakfast at about 9am so I shouldn't have been hungry for a while. But by noon I was desperate to eat again. Let me clarify, not hungry I just wanted to eat. I tried to figure out what was wrong, I chewed gum. But I wanted to eat. Finally I gave in and ate an early lunch. Not sure what to think of that. Maybe I was still wanting the soup and bread from last night. I just don't know. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. Wish me luck.

Well the day hasn't gotten any better. I'm wondering if this is a reaction to having such a good day yesterday. I can't really think of anything else. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Day 3: Much better day. I'm still really scared about this whole thing. What if I never stop eating? What if I keep wanting to eat nasty foods instead of turning to real, healthy food? How can I ever lose weight doing this?

I'm not asking for much. I don't want to be at a ridiculous weight just a good weight for my body. But how will eating like this get me there? I feel like everyone I read about it tends to me more on the anorexic side of things and I'm more on the bulimic side of things. Does that make sense? Maybe anorexics can be more successful than us. I don't know. I'm just scared. But I'm trying really hard to trust.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Scary

During my senior year of college I got a great job. Basically I sat at a desk all weekend. I worked at a condo that just needed someone at the office during the weekend. I didn’t show apartments or anything like that. My only responsibilities were to deliver packages that showed up and occasionally walk the building to make sure everything was ok. Super easy.

Since I was there Friday night, 12 hours on Saturday and most of Sunday, I decided to work out while I was there. So every so often I’d run the stairs of the building. Because they had elevators, the stairs were almost never used. They were not fancy but just concrete stairs.

So one Saturday night around 11pm or so I was running back down the stairs. I turned the corner and there was a man lying on the ground in front of the door to that floor. There was blood on the door so I figured he’d fallen down the stairs. He seemed barely conscious.

But suddenly my heart started pounding. My body was telling me something was wrong. That I needed to run.

It occurred to me that this could be a set up. If someone was behind me, I was done. They could do anything to me in this stairwell and maybe no one would ever know.

I turned around. No one. I heard the man say no as I told him I would get help.

I ran. I ran up those stairs 3 or 4 at a time. I had my cell phone with me and immediately dialed 911.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my life.


The police and firemen showed up. I took them back to where I’d seen the guy and I knew he wouldn’t be there. And he wasn’t.



There was still blood on the door but he was gone.


I’m sure he was on drugs or something and fell down the stairs. When he knew I was getting help, he probably just stumbled off to wherever he’d come from.



But still I bawled that night. I knew how close I’d come to something very bad happening. I still get scared when I think of it.


I imagine turning around and someone being there. A simple trap.


From me to you, take the elevator.

Friends

There is a saying, "Make friends before you need them." I like that. I love the idea of having friends as almost an insurance policy. You don't usually NEED them but someday you will.

I always saw myself as having very few friends. But when I look around now I finally see that really isn't true. I have a large collection of friends I've gathered over the years. People I can count and that can count on me.

It's amazing how important friendships become in bad times. And how easy it is to neglect them in good times. Friendships tend to be the first sacrifice in a busy life. And yet they are so important. I try hard to keep my friendships alive.

I send emails, make phone calls and plans. I try to show up. It's not always easy but I know it's one of the most important things in life. Happiness and health are strongly influenced by the number of relationships you have. The more, the better.

Here's to making and keeping friends!

Fragment

Every morning I feel like I'm leaving a part of myself at my Mom's house. I miss my daughter so badly during the day.

I know I've written about this a thousand times but every time I think of how much time I'm missing with her, it hurts all over again.

I know that I'm lucky. I am able to leave my baby with my Mom. I have weekends and holidays and summers with her. I have an end in sight in which I will be able to be home full-time.

I know she's happy.

I know she's well cared for.

But I also know it's not right for a mother to be separated from her child.

I know I miss her.

I'm afraid she'll be sad someday when she talks about how I wasn't with her full-time when she was a baby.

I'm afraid she'll think of my mom as her mom.

I'm afraid she won't love me the most.

God being a mother is hard. And I am so unbelievably bad at it. I just hope she knows how much I love her and how much I want to be better for her.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Books, books, books

1. Favorite childhood book?
Just as Long as We're Together by Judy Blume

2. What are you reading right now?
Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer (I think) and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and
Elyse Resch

3. What books do you have on request at the library?
A Geneen Roth book. My wish list on Amazon is crazy long.

4. Bad book habit?
I don't think so. I have, in the past, had a really hard time quitting books I'm not enjoying.

5. What do you currently have checked out at the library?
No library books but I have quite a few books To Be Read. Life without Ed, The Good Earth, Great Gatsby, Mother Night, Night are a few.

6. Do you have an e-reader?
No. Well I have one for blogs but not books.

7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time, or several at once?
I usually read one fiction and one nonfiction at a time. Sometimes I read multiple nonfiction but never more than one fiction.

8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog?
I don't think so.

9. Least favorite book you read this year (so far?)
I didn't really like The girl who played with fire. I also tried to read the Lord of the Ring trilogy. I made it through The Hobbit but I hated it. Where did the movies come from? Those books are so boring. Dreaming in Hindi was super lame too.

10. Favorite book you’ve read this year?
I freaking love Twilight series. I also really liked The Happiness Project and I'm loving Intuitive Eating.

11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone?
Um, I don't know what this question means. I guess reading books that make me uncomfortable. Never. I read for pleasure.

12. What is your reading comfort zone?
See above.

13. Can you read on the bus?
Usually.

14. Favorite place to
read?
Bed.

15. What is your policy on book lending?
No problem. I rarely keep books so I give them away once I finish them. If I loved, I have no problem sharing.

16. Do you ever dog-ear books?
All the time.

17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books?
Not that I can think of.

18. Not even with text books?
Not usually. Occasionally highlight.

19. What is your favorite language to read in?
English.

20. What makes you love a book?
I don't know.

21. What will inspire you to recommend a book?
If I like it.

22. Favorite genre?
Not sure. I read everything really.

23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?)
Not sure. I feel pretty good about my reading.

Favorite biography?
Huh, uh, does the Other Boelyn Girl count? What a great book and historically very accurate.

25. Have you ever read a self-help book?
All the freaking time. I'm a big believer in self-improvement.

26. Favorite cookbook?
Don't have one.

27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or non-fiction)?
The Happiness Project and Intuitive Eating

28. Favorite reading snack?
I don't like to eat and read.

29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience.
I can't think of one. I try to know as little about books as possible so things don't get ruined.

30. How often do you agree with critics about a book?
I don't read critics.

31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews?
It's not my fault if a book sucks. I didn't write it.

32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose?
French or Italian

33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read?
I was scared to read Tolstoy but I love War and Peace and Anna Karenina.

34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin?
Nothing.

35. Favorite Poet?
Good Lord, I hate poetry.

36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time?
I usually have between 10 and 20 books to be read at any given time.

37. How often have you returned book to the library unread?
Never. Even if I don't finish (because I don't like it), I always start the book.

38. Favorite fictional character?
Snape. I'm a sucker for unrequited love sufferers. ("Look at me.")

39. Favorite fictional villain?
What was that evil bitch from the Harry Potter books? Bella something. She was a twisted villain.

40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation?
Whatever I'm reading and a few extras.

41. The longest I’ve gone without reading.
Not sure. Never very long.

42. Name a book that you could/would not finish.
Fellowship of the Ring and Pride and Prejudice.

43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading?
Noise; talking, TV, etc.

44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel?
The English Patient. I hated the book but absolutely loved the movie.

45. Most disappointing film adaptation?
Most are disappointing.

46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time?
Who knows?

47. How often do you skim a book before reading it?
Never.

48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through?
If I didn't like it. Rape, sexual abuse, etc.

49. Do you like to keep your books organized?
No. I keep very few books.

50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them?
Give them away.

51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding?
I avoided Twilight.

52. Name a book that made you angry.
The Girl who Played with Fire. What a let down.

53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did?
Harry Potter and Twilight.

54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t?
Lord of the Rings and Life of Pi

55. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading?
Funny mysteries. Twilight. Bridget Jones.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Hair

My poor hair. I was thinking of all the crazy things I have done to it. I don’t have many pictures but I remember them all.

In high school I thought I would take my thick, dark, curly hair and redo it into a blonde pixie ala Drew Barrymore circa 1998. Why? Oh good Lord. And when it looked bad I kept cutting it shorter for a few months. It was awful.

Then after a breakup, I decided I needed a change. So I chopped off my hair (I’m seeing a pattern) and tried to die it light red. But because it had been died even darker than it is naturally it turned out burnt orange. I was going for an angled bob but it was so big I just looked kinda like Carrot Top.

Now I mostly just ignore my poor hair. It’s in a pony tail most every day. Certainly every week day. And despite the fact that pretty much every time I cut it short it looks like crap, I’m planning on going short again. Maybe some bangs. I need to shake things up. My poor hair is becoming boring, depressing hair.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Update

The eating stuff is going quite well. It’s still hard but better. I’ve been trying to read a lot on the subject. I’m really liking the book Intuitive Eating. I don’t know if I have the trust in myself to just let go and eat whatever I want but maybe some day.

Still I feel better about things. I’m discovering a lot as I go along. How I can do things better, what works best for me, etc. It’s a journey, right? I feel like there’s not much else to say.

Work sucks. I’m really hating my job. I’m still looking for something else. I’m sure something will pop up.

R is gone at school a lot which makes things really strained between us.

Maggie is precious. She is so funny. Every day she cracks me up. We are doing a daily calendar where we talk about the months and days of the week and numbers and weather and seasons. Very fun. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to homeschool, which is kinda funny considering I'm a freaking teacher. But for some reason I feel scared about it.

I guess this is a super boring post so I'll end it. But before I go I should mention that I'm trying to just write for a while every day. So I'll probably be putting up more random posts. I'm just trying my hand at something new.