Friday, December 28, 2012

2012 Wrap up


1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? Quit a job without another one lined up. Became a nanny.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any last year but I think I will this year. I really want to get better about not procrastinating. I want to exercise. I want to be more present with Maggie more often.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Sort of, Jake was born this year. Even though I didn't know him (or Kandice) until he was 6 weeks old, I'm very close with them now.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? Ha, ha, ha.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? A husband, a home of my own.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Maggie meeting Santa Claus (Kandice's friend, Jim, in an amazing costume). Christmas Eve was awesome. When Laurie called and told me she thought my Mirena was causing my horrid depression and then looking it up online. It was like being hit with a brick. Successfully performing the heimlich on one of my students.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Waking up from the Mirena haze. I'm not sure if it's an achievement but it's been amazing to find me again.
9. What was your biggest failure? Staying so long in a miserable work situation. Even worse, spending so little time with Maggie so I could work more.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I got my gallbladder out. 
11. What was the best thing you bought? Um, I had to pay to get the Mirena out. 
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I thought Chris Christie giving such credit to Obama and being so willing to work with him during Sandy was great to see.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Republicans. From the war on women to the NRA to the "entitlement" programs, jeez.
14. Where did most of your money go? Debt. :(
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Morning coffee. Losing weight.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012? F*ck you by CeeLo
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
so much happier :)
b) thinner or fatter? much, much thinner
c) richer or poorer? a lot poorer 
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? spend time with Maggie without checking email or my phone, just really being with her
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? procrastinate; d!ck around on the internet
20. How did you spend Christmas? We had our big Christmas Eve dinner at Aunt Susie's house, then spent the night at Laurie's house. We set up presents, then watched Bad Santa. The girls got up early and opened presents. It was wonderful.
21. Did you fall in love in 2012? No. :(
22. What was your favorite TV program? Um, I watched all of How I Met Your Mother. Very cute.
24. What was the best book you read? I can't think of anything. That's sad. I've read so much non fiction this year. Homeschooling, parenting, etc.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don't listen to new music.
26. What did you want and get? To be, essentially, a stay at home mom.
27. What did you want and not get? A husband, a home of my own.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Inception, Dark Knight Rises (I <3 christopher="christopher" nolan="nolan" p="p">
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 30. I had dinner and drinks with Laurie, Jeff, Rachel and David in downtown Fort Worth.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A partner, a home of my own
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? Well, lately, it's been skinny jeans and boots. I love that look.
32. What kept you sane? Maggie. I think I would have died had I not had Maggie to live for during the Mirena years.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The guy in Inception and Robin in Dark Knight Rises. Joseph something. I wanna marry him.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? All of them.
35. Who did you miss? My GG. It still hurts.
36. Who was the best new person you met? Jake and Kandice.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. I don't know. I want to have a lesson about the Mirena but I'm not sure what it should be. I feel like no one was properly informed so I'm not sure what I could have done. Don't waste time; when it's gone, it's gone.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Favorite Songs

I don't know why I'm writing this; maybe I need something lighter after my last post. So I finally have a top five songs and I want to write about them.

1. Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding
I have loved this song since I was 13. I recorded it off the radio when it was number 2 on 98.7's Memorial Day Top 500 countdown. Then I looped it to play over and over on both sides of the tape. I listened to it constantly. So much so that my sister's high school boyfriend still can't stand the song. Bummer for him.

2. Into the Mystic by Van Morrison
I heard this song in the movie Dream a Little Dream and I instantly loved it. "I wanna rock your gypsy soul." Such a beautiful song.

3. You Shouldn't Kiss me like this by Toby Keith
This song came out when I was about 18 or 19 and wow, what a beautiful love song.

4. I Know by Fiona Apple
I love this song. It's about a girl who is getting cheated on by her boyfriend but she still loves him. It is so beautiful.

5. Remember When by Alan Jackson
I just discovered this song. It is, oh, it moves me. Well, I guess all these songs do. It is a gorgeous love song. It is a man describing his life with his wife. So beautiful.

So these are my top five. Love, love these songs.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Misunderstanding

When Maggie has to stay with R, I call her at night to tell her I love her and good night. And every time she asks me to come get her, she tells me she doesn't want to stay with her Daddy and please let her come home. It's absolutely heart breaking. I tell her I can't and assure her how much I love her.

So a couple of nights ago we were in bed doing story time and she told me she wanted to go to a different planet. I told her I would be sad and miss her so much. She told me I could come with her. Then she seemed to get really angry and said she would take me to a planet and leave me there and I could call her and ask her to come get me but she wouldn't unless I behaved. I. . . don't even know how to. . . I just couldn't believe it. Of course she would draw her own conclusions in a situation like this. I don't know if I've ever felt worse. What a horrible thing for her to think.

I asked her if she felt that way about having to stay with her Daddy. She was kinda quiet but intimated that yeah she did think that. I told her that Daddy and I had to both have time with her and a judge decided how much time we got to spend with her. I told her the judge said Daddy got certain days with her and I had to follow what the judge said. I told her how much I wanted to come get her but I'm not allowed to. She seemed to understand at first but when I asked if she had any questions, her first question was, "Why don't you come get me from Daddy's when I ask?" How do I explain something like that to a little girl.

I guess I should buy a book and try to continue communicating with her. Maybe I'll even try to talk to R. I think she would feel so much better if she could come back to me every night. This is just so horrible. If he had ever bothered to spend time with her before this court case perhaps this wouldn't be so hard on her.

Maybe I should have just stayed with R and been miserable until she was grown. But I didn't want her to see how badly he treated me and think that was ok. God, I love her so much. Why can't I be a better mother to her?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I hate dieting. . .

Oh my Lord, I feel like crap. I am so tired and, uh, not clear-headed and shaky and headachy and just hungry. I hate dieting! But on the plus side, I saw my surgeon today to do a post-op check and while he was checking my incisions (on my stomach), he commented that I appeared to have lost weight. Woo hoo! FYI, I got my surgery less than 3 weeks ago and my Mirena out less than 2 weeks ago.

Everything else is blah. I'm just tired and feeling crappy. Hopefully that will get better. I just want all this damn weight off.

I went to a super cool indoor playground today with Lynette. Her new baby, Eric, is so stinking cute. I held him and rocked him all morning. Maggie had a blast too. She rode a train and a zebra (like a walking zebra but an electric (?) one; it was weird but cool); she played in the ball pits, attempted mini golf, played with other kids, jumped on giant trampoline. It was awesome. The only downside was it cost $12. But goodness she had fun.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Wow, also know as I hate Mirena

Ok, today was amazing. I felt amazing and had endless energy (well, maybe not endless). But seriously, I got more done today than. . . honestly, I don't even know when and I was happy to do it. No numbing out/hiding out in TV, internet or a book. I was up and doing things with Maggie or taking care of things all day. I did a big craft with her, made and played a game on the sidewalk, took a long walk, made three other DIY things for her, ran 2 errands, read to her, made her an actual lunch and dinner (and cleaned up), and more. I cannot believe the difference in how I feel. I took care of a ton of annoying phone calls that needed to be done; I scheduled stuff; I cleaned and organized; I did laundry and put it away. Amazing!

I also did my first day of the 30 day thing and it was awesome. I showered, brushed my teeth twice, put on full make-up, got dressed and did my hair (it was so cute; spiral bobby pins are awesome!).

I should also probably review my evil side effects from Mirena.

1. Weight loss: I just started this diet so we'll see. I hate dieting!
2. Depression: Definitely a huge difference: energy, wanting to engage in life rather than kinda check out. I feel great.
3. Hair loss: completely stopped.
4. Giant boobs: I'm going to measure them in the morning so I can keep up with that but I haven't noticed a difference.
5. Exhaustion: holy cow, is that gone. Thank you Lord.
6. Constipation: not a problem

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Bad Habits: 30 days

So I was on Maggie's site and she linked up to Matt's site to talk about doing a project every 30 days. Having been severely depressed and overweight for most of the last 3 and 1/2 years, I've picked up some really bad habits. I love the idea of fixing them one at a time with this sort of project. I feel like I've let things slide in such a horrible way (just to survive being depressed) and I need to fix these things but the idea of taking on every habit at once is daunting, to say the least. So every 30 days I'll pick something new and commit to doing that one thing for 30 days.

I'm going to start with self-care. I've let this slide horribly. It just feels like such an effort to shower and brush my teeth and put on make up and actually put together an outfit and fix my hair but going without doing those things is hell on a person's self-esteem and self-worth. So for the next 30 days I am going to do all of those things every day. Nothing overly fancy but every day, no matter what, I'm going to get up and get completely dressed. No staying in pjs all day because I'm not going anywhere or not wearing make up because I'm only going to the grocery store. I'm going to take care of myself. I'll update here because I want to be accountable (even though I don't anyone reads this but Laurie :)) even if it's just to myself (or should that be me? damn you confusing grammar rules).

Mirena Update: March 17, 2012

I've now had the Mirena out a little over a week and I've lost at least 5 inches off my waist. Holy cowzer! That's doing absolutely nothing. I plan on starting a new diet to actually lose weight (I didn't weigh myself).

Another symptom I never knew I had has gone away. I've been battling ridiculous constipation for a long time. I never would have thought that was connected either but it's been night and day since I got the Mirena out.

Oh, Mirena, I hate you.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Mirena Side Effects

I think I have another side effect from the Mirena. It's funny because this is something I wouldn't have even said was a problem but the difference is quite marked so it's hard to miss.

The past few days I've been eating less food than usual. I wasn't making an effort, it just happened. And I noticed I wasn't as "snacky" as usual. Then a couple of days ago, I was starving and decided to stop and Sonic and get the same thing I always get. I couldn't even eat half and even from that I was so full. So, I'm guessing the Mirena was causing me to have a bigger appetite, which makes sense, of course.

I plan on going on a diet soon. I kind of wanted to just eat and exercise the way I had been to see what kind of difference just taking the Mirena out made. But I'm so sick of being so overweight, I've got to do something. I think I'll be successful with weight loss this time. I've already seen a pretty strong correlation to getting the Mirena out and positive effects on me. I'll keep updating on the weight loss.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Mirena Rant

I just read about Charlotte's problems with her anti-depressant. Basically her pharmacist just hands her a new bottle of her meds, saying hey, it's a new manufacturer, no problem, it won't have any effect at all. But she goes home and spends the next few weeks with all kinds of fun depression symptoms. LUCKILY, she makes the connection, calls her pharmacist, who says, "oh yeah, it can have that effect. Oops." Really? I can't even describe how angry this makes me. If he or she knew there was a possible effect, WHY wouldn't s/he warn her so if she noticed changes, she could switch immediately.

Why would you ever mess around with someone's mental health like that??? When I think of the nights I would rock my daughter and wish I could kill myself, it makes me sick. I used to think that she would be so much better off raised by my sister and her husband, that I was SELFISH to stay alive and keep her from them. But then I figured she'd be screwed up from having had a mom that committed suicide! Wow, what insight there. So, how many women don't find a way around it? How many do take their own lives because they think everything will be so much better without them around?

I've said this before but I'm saying it again. If I had ever seen the warning on the Canadian website about not taking Mirena if you suffer from depression or other mental illness, I NEVER would have put that damn thing in. I suffered for years with undiagnosed depression, I never would have risked going back there. Especially when my depression was so easily managed.

I'm so angry about this: I'm angry that no one warned me or my sister for that matter (she was trained on Mirena and told that it was wonderful--side effect wise pretty much no different that using condoms--ie, there are no side effects). I'm angry that it never occurred to me that the Mirena could be causing all my symptoms. I'm angry that I blindly put something in my body without doing research.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Mirena Update

So there's been a huge change in one symptom: hair loss. It's stopped completely. Considering it's been less than a week, that's awesome. I've been trying to pay attention and it seemed like it wasn't as bad but today there was no question. My ponytail holders have been coming out with no hair on them (when I used to pull them out, they would be absolutely covered with hair) and there was very little hair in the shower. AND there were only maybe 15 hairs or so in my comb. I was getting a huge handful of hair so that's definitely different.

I'm really excited to start seeing some changes that for sure are caused my the Mirena.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Mirena Crash, cont.

Ok, I feel much, much better today but still very tired. I don't feel foggy or drugged and I haven't passed out from exhaustion so I suppose much better from yesterday.

I wanted to kind of look over my symptoms from Mirena (I think) and try to gauge how things are.

Depression--I feel fine on this front but I'm on 3 anti-depressants. I don't think I'll know for sure on this one until I try to wean off being on so much medication. But there's no mood swings or anything.

Weight--I weighed and measured my stomach on Saturday so I'll check again this Saturday. I'm not sure if I feel any different or not. Of course I ended up having a huge fast food meal because I was in an unexpected 3 hour meeting (having only had a smoothie and coffee) that lasted until after 6pm (plus an hour drive there and then an hour home). Yikes! So that's not going to help things. I do plan on starting a diet soon so perhaps if it actually works, I'll know something on that front as well.

Exhaustion--Like I said, very tired, but I'm pretty sure that's the Mirena crash and not indicative of what I'll be like once that passes.

Hair Loss--Ok, I actually THINK this might be improving. There seemed to be less hair falling out in the shower and into the comb today. But, of course, it's very difficult to tell. Especially if it slowly gets better. But I'll keep paying attention.

Giant Boobs--Still giant. :(

Well, I guess that's still it. God, I so hope after this crash I'll go back to normal. It's scary to think that either the damage from the Mirena is done and irreversible or that all this crap really has nothing to do with the Mirena at all. It's scary to hope but here's to hoping.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Another Mirena update!

Ok, I crashed big time this evening. I had been doing great: I wasn't starving or feeling foggy or anything. But around 6.30pm, I crashed. Like I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. I fell deep asleep, on the couch, with everyone talking and playing around me, lights on, etc for almost 3 hours. Crazy.

I tried to go to bed but now I can't sleep even though I feel groggy and sleepy. Really ready to be back to normal.

Update: Mirena crash

Ok, it's about 3.15 pm now and I feel considerably better. My mind has cleared; I feel so much better. I'm not starving at all; I had my regular smoothie with coffee and I feel fine. I feel better than fine really great actually.

I should mention a couple of other things I think may or may not be connected to the Mirena.

One: last fall, I had a maybe-sort of seizure. I basically got out of bed and fell straight down. I didn't put my hands out to catch myself or anything. The first part of my body that hit the floor was my chest a little but mostly my chin (which is still scarred). And then I just started, I guess convulsing and then it was over. But I've read several stories online about women having seizures with the Mirena in and it stopping once it was removed.

Also, I've noticed several times my heart beating quite fast for no reason. And my resting heart beat is quite high.

Ok, I'll keep updating.

2 days after Mirena removal

I feel very drugged today so this post might be kinda weird. I'm guessing this is the Mirena crash. I was ravenous last night for yucky foods and ate all kinds of not healthy stuff. Then I went to bed early and slept for about 14 hours and still feel tired. I had all nightmares last night too. Today I feel drugged and sluggish. My head feels cloudy and everything feels off. I'm not sure what else to write; I'll try to keep this updated as I feel different.

Friday, March 9, 2012

My Mirena is Out!

So I called my OB/GYN first thing this morning and she couldn't see me until Monday. So I called my former OB/GYN nurse practitioner and she couldn't see me so I told the scheduler that I needed her to look at every doctor and nurse practitioner in their group and find someone who could get me in to have this thing removed immediately. They got me in at 12.30pm.

I can't even tell you how huge this is for me. I can't stop thinking about all these links and how MAYBE all this is because of my Mirena. I'm trying really hard to not get my hopes up too much in case this has all been caused my pregnancy or is just a really weird coincidence and it's all random. But the thought, that I could go back to my old self is beyond exciting. That I could get off most of my anti-depressants, lose this weight, not be so damn tired all the time, stop losing all my hair; I can't even imagine how awesome that would be. So I'll be updating all these symptoms and anything else I notice.

I got to my appointment and a women (probably a medical assistant) took me back and asked what the problem was. I told her, "My sister is a nurse practitioner in women's health, and she used to work with this group at another location. She knew all my backstory and, on a whim, googled Mirena IUD and depression and found a ton of information about women having issues with depression when they got a Mirena put in." As I was talking she started laughing and said, "You know everything you read on the Internet isn't true." Wow, thanks, I guess I shouldn't have sent all my bank information to that Kenyan prince. I mean really???

And the thing is my sister is way more educated and has more experience that anyone I saw today and she recommended I get it out. What's the difference between her telling me and a different NP or doctor??? That was quite irritating. But I just blew it off; I was so happy to be getting it out.

The doctor came in and asked me the same questions and I told her the same thing (and about how I had been on 1 medication (low dosage) pre-Mirena and now was on 3--highest dosages). I also told her that Mirena's Canadian website warns that women who suffer from depression or mental illness should NOT have a Mirena. She laughed and said, "I wouldn't go that far." Well, lady I don't give a f**k what you would do; if a drug company says you shouldn't take this, you don't take it!!! But again, I was just wanting to get it out.

The removal seriously took less than 1 minute. I know some women described a lot of pain but they put the duck looking (speculum?) thing in and then just pulled it out. Bam! I barely felt anything. As she was leaving the doctor said, "You know, I've put in about 4 or 5 Mirenas and I've only had 1 woman get it removed because of side effects." And I thought that's 20-25% of your patients that made the connection with their symptoms and their Mirena and went through with getting it removed. How many more didn't connect the two and still are suffering?

After she left, the other woman (I'm guessing another medical assistant) asked me what had happened and I told her the same thing and she was shocked. She said even if I had come to them complaining of my symptoms, they would have just prescribed more anti-depressants; they never would have thought it was the Mirena. She then asked if I would update the office so they have the information for future patients. I can't believe she was the only one with any concern for other women in the same possible position. Although, she was probably just the only one who believed me at all. But whatever, it's out!!!!

I've been spotting a little today, nothing bad at all. I'll probably start a period pretty quickly. That's the only downside; I haven't had a period since I got pregnant in late December 2007 and I haven't missed them. But oh well, definitely worth it!

Mirena Side Effects: Depression, Weight Gain, Hair Loss

In the early summer of 2007, I was finally diagnosed with depression. I was put on Effexor 75 mg and immediately felt amazing. The difference was unbelievable; I felt like I'd spent my life with sunglasses on and was finally taking them off. I had no idea what normal felt like until then. Up until this point I had also had bulimia, which also immediately went away. I ended up losing about 10-15 lbs, completely effortlessly (just because I wasn't occasionally bingeing anymore). I felt better than I have ever felt in my life. I never needed additional medications or to up my dosage.

In very late December 2007, I got pregnant with my daughter. I had a pretty icky pregnancy; constantly sick/nauseous, exhausted, no sex drive AT ALL. I had my daughter in September 2008 and almost immediately got a Mirena put in. My sister, a nurse practitioner in women's health, told me it was amazing, effortless birth control with NO side effects. I had no trouble getting it inserted. I was exclusively breast feeding so I wasn't having a period anyway, but I never started one or have had any bleeding at all since getting it in.

In the past 3 1/2 years, I have been continuously plagued by worse and worse depression. I went from Effexor 75 to 150 to 300. Then added Prozac 20, 40, then 60. Then switched to Pristiq, full dosage, then back to Effexor, then added Abilify. Then off Effexor and Abilify and on to a cocktail of Cymbalta, Lamigtal, and Prozac--all highest dosage. So before Mirena, I was on one medication on almost the lowest dosage and as of today I'm on 3 medications, all on the highest dosages. Not to mention, I've been rotating and trying everything under the sun trying to get my depression under control.

I've also never been able to lose the "baby" weight. I've had success with weight loss twice since my daughter's birth. The first time was fairly early on and I had to diet like crazy (HCG, South Beach, hypnosis, Nutrisystem, etc.) and work out constantly (hot yoga for 1 1/2 hours and running and weights) and as soon as I slowed it down (I work and, obviously, have a daughter), it all came back and more.

The other time, I literally just starved myself. I would eat one meal a day and make it as small as possible. I lost about 30 pounds doing that but it's a struggle to maintain my weight and I'm 45 pounds above my healthy weight!!! And I'm not bingeing, eating fairly healthy, and working out. WTF???

My breasts also went from a C cup (since I was 12) to a DDD. They are huge. I know I'm fat but good Lord!

I've also been tired all the time. I feel like I would always rather be asleep. If I can nap, I DO. I want to go to bed as soon as I've put my daughter to bed (even at 6.30pm).

Then recently my hair started falling out in big clumps. I have really thick hair so it's not too noticeable, I guess but it's shocking. My ponytail holders will be covered in hair, I have to constantly clean out my shower drain and when I brush I get an entire handful of hair. It's crazy.

So honestly I had no idea what was causing any of this; or even that these things might be connected. For the most part, I really thought that pregnancy had destroyed my body and mind. The post before this one is me lamenting that I can't have another child biologically. That's because I thought all these things were caused by pregnancy; I thought I couldn't risk my anti-depressants not working again. I had never heard of anyone being so effed up from pregnancy but I couldn't figure out what else could be the culprit.

So yesterday, my sister on a whim decided to google (remember she's a nurse practitioner--that's a freaking master's degree!--specializing in women's health) Mirena IUD + depression. And bam!!! All these stories of women with my exact same symptoms. Most of them hadn't even suffered from depression before and now were taking meds. Furthermore on Mirena's Canadian website there is a warning that Mirena is not recommended for women who have depression or mental illness. That information is no where on the American website or in the literature given to patients.

Reading these stories, that are all so similar to each other and mine, was so shocking. I never, ever would have connected my issues with my Mirena. The thing that pisses me off is that healthcare workers don't even have the information. If I, or my sister, had seen the warning about women with depression, I never would have even tried the Mirena.

So all this is to say I am having this thing taken out. I will continue posting my progress because when I found all this, I wanted to know if things would get better. I am so angry that no one knew about these problems, that no one suggested my Mirena might be the problem.

I guess I just want to help any other women out there that might be in a similar situation.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

February 25, 2012

I've been wanting to write this post for quite a while. I don't know how to put all this in words but I need to. I can't have anymore children biologically. It's ironic because I've ALWAYS wanted to adopt but the thought that I CANNOT have more children biologically is. . . harsh.

I never even wanted to have one biologically but now it's become the greatest gift I've ever received. And the thought that I'm done, just. . .

When I see pregnant women or a woman nursing or even holding a child younger than Maggie, I have to look away and push it out of my mind. I can't even write this without crying. I'll never take another pregnancy test or watch my unborn child move in my stomach or give birth or nurse my child.

And the thing is no one gets it. People say either: 'oh, you never know, maybe things will be alright and you'll be able to have another baby,' or 'at least you got one,' or 'you can always adopt.' And it's not that any of these things aren't true; because they all are. But it doesn't make my reality hurt any less.

I worry that I'm too wrapped up with Maggie because right now (assuming I never adopt either), she's my only baby. I can't stand the fact that so many parts of her babyhood are behind us. I want to hold on so tight but it all slips through. No matter what, time moves on and this stage too will eventually be behind us.

Monday, February 20, 2012

February 20, 2012

Well, it turns out I do need surgery. I'm actually really surprised because I thought it would turn out fine. Although I guess I did have a lot of pain and it was very much in one area. I don't know.

Anyway, I've gone running the past two days, which is awesome. I can't believe how good I feel. About everything. Spending time with Maggie has been amazing, working out, taking walks, eating right. I just can't believe the difference.

Everything is weird with the whole dating thing. I have a few guys I've been sort of talking to and it feels really weird to say, um we have to put this whole thing on hold so I can go get surgery. But then what else can I do?

Saturday, February 18, 2012

February 18, 2012

Well today was a very lazy day. A lot of sitting around, watching kid movies and cuddling with my baby. I was a little sad because I was walking out the door to go running and it was raining so that sucked.

Maggie and I had dinner with Dad and Mo. I talked about my various job options. It feels good to realize there are options. I'm so glad I finally realized I'm not trapped in my situation. It's amazing the difference from just realizing I'm not trapped and I don't have to continue being harassed. I feel so much better, so much less stressed. The difference is palpable. I'm interested to find out whether or not I need surgery. Either way, I'll be fine and that's nice to realize that. I know I keep saying the same thing but I just can't believe how much time I spent letting myself be treated horribly and getting sicker and sicker. I'm so glad this is almost over.


Friday, February 17, 2012

February 17, 2012

Today was (finally) my scan. I actually managed to make it to the place on time. Yea me! But I got very poor directions and I couldn't find anyone to help out so I couldn't actually find the place until like 9.40 (my appointment was at 9 am). I felt bad but damn; the hospital is huge and being renovated. Not one of the registration/help desks had someone working. It was no fun.

But once I finally got everything done and got to the right place, the scan went fine. The nursing student who put my IV in was awesome. I didn't feel a thing; I was quite impressed. I pretty much snoozed during the whole test. I'm interested to see how it comes out because they vaguely implied that everything looked fine. In which case, WTF mate? I'd so much rather have a clear answer. Although I think the problem is stress, more than anything else. I don't think it's a coincidence that the worst attack was after a particularly stressful day at work.

Anyway, after that was Maggie's eye follow-up appointment. We had fun (I almost always have fun with Maggie--are all parents this lucky?) playing and chatting. I coached her through introducing herself to the other girls in the waiting room and asking them to play with her. She was kind of grumpy about it (I think it makes her nervous to ask other kids to play--she kind of says (to me), "That girl wants to play with me."--oh, so sweet). Social skills are so hard to learn and unfortunately the best way to learn is through natural consequences, which often involve hurt feelings. Uh, I hate the idea of her feelings ever being hurt.

I talked to R for a long time on the phone and it was nice and easy. Which is good, it's nice to not be mad or sad with each other. After all, we'll be Maggie's parents for the rests of our lives.

We came home and took a long nap. Then we played dolls for a while. She was the eye doctor doing an exam on her puppets. She was rambunctiously, super hyper, so we decided to take a walk and Gran decided to join us. It was so nice. God, I'll miss this weather. It's perfect, we wore our jackets and just felt great. I always forget how great it feels to get off my a$$ and MOVE. I've been loving taking a walk or two every day, in addition to jogging, which is also very nice.

I talked on the phone for a little while with this guy I met. Definitely no sparks, he had this weird, nervous laugh that he laughed after almost every single thing he said. Alas.