Saturday, February 25, 2012

February 25, 2012

I've been wanting to write this post for quite a while. I don't know how to put all this in words but I need to. I can't have anymore children biologically. It's ironic because I've ALWAYS wanted to adopt but the thought that I CANNOT have more children biologically is. . . harsh.

I never even wanted to have one biologically but now it's become the greatest gift I've ever received. And the thought that I'm done, just. . .

When I see pregnant women or a woman nursing or even holding a child younger than Maggie, I have to look away and push it out of my mind. I can't even write this without crying. I'll never take another pregnancy test or watch my unborn child move in my stomach or give birth or nurse my child.

And the thing is no one gets it. People say either: 'oh, you never know, maybe things will be alright and you'll be able to have another baby,' or 'at least you got one,' or 'you can always adopt.' And it's not that any of these things aren't true; because they all are. But it doesn't make my reality hurt any less.

I worry that I'm too wrapped up with Maggie because right now (assuming I never adopt either), she's my only baby. I can't stand the fact that so many parts of her babyhood are behind us. I want to hold on so tight but it all slips through. No matter what, time moves on and this stage too will eventually be behind us.

Monday, February 20, 2012

February 20, 2012

Well, it turns out I do need surgery. I'm actually really surprised because I thought it would turn out fine. Although I guess I did have a lot of pain and it was very much in one area. I don't know.

Anyway, I've gone running the past two days, which is awesome. I can't believe how good I feel. About everything. Spending time with Maggie has been amazing, working out, taking walks, eating right. I just can't believe the difference.

Everything is weird with the whole dating thing. I have a few guys I've been sort of talking to and it feels really weird to say, um we have to put this whole thing on hold so I can go get surgery. But then what else can I do?

Saturday, February 18, 2012

February 18, 2012

Well today was a very lazy day. A lot of sitting around, watching kid movies and cuddling with my baby. I was a little sad because I was walking out the door to go running and it was raining so that sucked.

Maggie and I had dinner with Dad and Mo. I talked about my various job options. It feels good to realize there are options. I'm so glad I finally realized I'm not trapped in my situation. It's amazing the difference from just realizing I'm not trapped and I don't have to continue being harassed. I feel so much better, so much less stressed. The difference is palpable. I'm interested to find out whether or not I need surgery. Either way, I'll be fine and that's nice to realize that. I know I keep saying the same thing but I just can't believe how much time I spent letting myself be treated horribly and getting sicker and sicker. I'm so glad this is almost over.

Friday, February 17, 2012

February 17, 2012

Today was (finally) my scan. I actually managed to make it to the place on time. Yea me! But I got very poor directions and I couldn't find anyone to help out so I couldn't actually find the place until like 9.40 (my appointment was at 9 am). I felt bad but damn; the hospital is huge and being renovated. Not one of the registration/help desks had someone working. It was no fun.

But once I finally got everything done and got to the right place, the scan went fine. The nursing student who put my IV in was awesome. I didn't feel a thing; I was quite impressed. I pretty much snoozed during the whole test. I'm interested to see how it comes out because they vaguely implied that everything looked fine. In which case, WTF mate? I'd so much rather have a clear answer. Although I think the problem is stress, more than anything else. I don't think it's a coincidence that the worst attack was after a particularly stressful day at work.

Anyway, after that was Maggie's eye follow-up appointment. We had fun (I almost always have fun with Maggie--are all parents this lucky?) playing and chatting. I coached her through introducing herself to the other girls in the waiting room and asking them to play with her. She was kind of grumpy about it (I think it makes her nervous to ask other kids to play--she kind of says (to me), "That girl wants to play with me."--oh, so sweet). Social skills are so hard to learn and unfortunately the best way to learn is through natural consequences, which often involve hurt feelings. Uh, I hate the idea of her feelings ever being hurt.

I talked to R for a long time on the phone and it was nice and easy. Which is good, it's nice to not be mad or sad with each other. After all, we'll be Maggie's parents for the rests of our lives.

We came home and took a long nap. Then we played dolls for a while. She was the eye doctor doing an exam on her puppets. She was rambunctiously, super hyper, so we decided to take a walk and Gran decided to join us. It was so nice. God, I'll miss this weather. It's perfect, we wore our jackets and just felt great. I always forget how great it feels to get off my a$$ and MOVE. I've been loving taking a walk or two every day, in addition to jogging, which is also very nice.

I talked on the phone for a little while with this guy I met. Definitely no sparks, he had this weird, nervous laugh that he laughed after almost every single thing he said. Alas.