Saturday, February 25, 2012

February 25, 2012

I've been wanting to write this post for quite a while. I don't know how to put all this in words but I need to. I can't have anymore children biologically. It's ironic because I've ALWAYS wanted to adopt but the thought that I CANNOT have more children biologically is. . . harsh.

I never even wanted to have one biologically but now it's become the greatest gift I've ever received. And the thought that I'm done, just. . .

When I see pregnant women or a woman nursing or even holding a child younger than Maggie, I have to look away and push it out of my mind. I can't even write this without crying. I'll never take another pregnancy test or watch my unborn child move in my stomach or give birth or nurse my child.

And the thing is no one gets it. People say either: 'oh, you never know, maybe things will be alright and you'll be able to have another baby,' or 'at least you got one,' or 'you can always adopt.' And it's not that any of these things aren't true; because they all are. But it doesn't make my reality hurt any less.

I worry that I'm too wrapped up with Maggie because right now (assuming I never adopt either), she's my only baby. I can't stand the fact that so many parts of her babyhood are behind us. I want to hold on so tight but it all slips through. No matter what, time moves on and this stage too will eventually be behind us.

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