Friday, June 8, 2012


When Maggie has to stay with R, I call her at night to tell her I love her and good night. And every time she asks me to come get her, she tells me she doesn't want to stay with her Daddy and please let her come home. It's absolutely heart breaking. I tell her I can't and assure her how much I love her.

So a couple of nights ago we were in bed doing story time and she told me she wanted to go to a different planet. I told her I would be sad and miss her so much. She told me I could come with her. Then she seemed to get really angry and said she would take me to a planet and leave me there and I could call her and ask her to come get me but she wouldn't unless I behaved. I. . . don't even know how to. . . I just couldn't believe it. Of course she would draw her own conclusions in a situation like this. I don't know if I've ever felt worse. What a horrible thing for her to think.

I asked her if she felt that way about having to stay with her Daddy. She was kinda quiet but intimated that yeah she did think that. I told her that Daddy and I had to both have time with her and a judge decided how much time we got to spend with her. I told her the judge said Daddy got certain days with her and I had to follow what the judge said. I told her how much I wanted to come get her but I'm not allowed to. She seemed to understand at first but when I asked if she had any questions, her first question was, "Why don't you come get me from Daddy's when I ask?" How do I explain something like that to a little girl.

I guess I should buy a book and try to continue communicating with her. Maybe I'll even try to talk to R. I think she would feel so much better if she could come back to me every night. This is just so horrible. If he had ever bothered to spend time with her before this court case perhaps this wouldn't be so hard on her.

Maybe I should have just stayed with R and been miserable until she was grown. But I didn't want her to see how badly he treated me and think that was ok. God, I love her so much. Why can't I be a better mother to her?

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