Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Memory: Laurie giving birth

I've been thinking of a few stories, occasions, etc that I really do want to remember forever. Anyway, I realized I didn't have them written down anywhere so here seemed like a good idea.

So. . .

When Laurie was pregnant, she and Jeff took a birthing class. For Jeff's part, he was supposed to be calm and reassuring, non stop, while she labored. He was supposed to not be offended if she was mean to him but continue reassuring her.

Laurie labored fast and furious (and naturally). And the whole time Jeff kept up his reassurances in a calm, quiet, even voice. But, as we all know, when you are in pain, you say all kinds of things.

At one point, Laurie turned to Jeff and said, "Would you please just shut the fuck up? Please!" And Jeff just said, "That's it, get it out. You're doing so good."

Seriously, I do not feel I have done it justice but it was so freaking funny.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Mirena Update

So, I've been meaning to write this update for a while now. It should be easy. Things are 100% better. Every physical and mental problem I had 2 years ago was completely solved by removing the Mirena. And yet. . .

It should go: things get better, you feel better. And that's true. Mostly.

I've lost over 75 pounds. But even more importantly, I no longer feel that horrible urge to binge until I feel sick and then make myself throw up. In fact I don't really think about food as a pleasurable thing at all anymore. I rarely think about wanting to go somewhere so I can get xyz. I care about making sure food is healthy but that's about it.

I have energy. Keeping my house clean, myself clean and my business in order no longer feels like pushing a boulder up a mountain. I cook and clean and take care of Maggie and myself and our pets and it feels fine. I don't want to go to sleep at night even though I know I should because I'm enjoying myself. I enjoy listening to podcasts or reading or whatever. I'm knitting again. I'm seeing friends and family on a regular basis.

I can have fun again. I don't have to sit at a party and wonder why I'm not having fun. Wonder why I can't keep up a conversation about anything.

This is the dream. All of your problem caused by one simple thing. And when that's fixed, they all vanish. And I am so grateful for that.

But I'm also angry. I'm angry I spent so long (too long) sick, depressed, tired, fat, checked out. I want to stomp my feet and scream, IT'S NOT FAIR.

Too often, I fantasize that I can go back in time, maybe to the day I'm scheduled to have my Mirena put in, with the knowledge I have now, and I don't get it. That simple. I don't do it. What would that life look like?

I try not to do this. I try to tell myself over and over, you can't change it. You can only learn from it and move on.

Even so I often have nightmares that I'm sick again. I'm fighting (usually with Laurie) and I hate myself for it. I can't figure out what's wrong with me.

And then I wake up and I sigh with relief. Just a horrible dream. A horrible dream that I lived for over 3 years.