Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Mirena Update

So, I've been meaning to write this update for a while now. It should be easy. Things are 100% better. Every physical and mental problem I had 2 years ago was completely solved by removing the Mirena. And yet. . .

It should go: things get better, you feel better. And that's true. Mostly.

I've lost over 75 pounds. But even more importantly, I no longer feel that horrible urge to binge until I feel sick and then make myself throw up. In fact I don't really think about food as a pleasurable thing at all anymore. I rarely think about wanting to go somewhere so I can get xyz. I care about making sure food is healthy but that's about it.

I have energy. Keeping my house clean, myself clean and my business in order no longer feels like pushing a boulder up a mountain. I cook and clean and take care of Maggie and myself and our pets and it feels fine. I don't want to go to sleep at night even though I know I should because I'm enjoying myself. I enjoy listening to podcasts or reading or whatever. I'm knitting again. I'm seeing friends and family on a regular basis.

I can have fun again. I don't have to sit at a party and wonder why I'm not having fun. Wonder why I can't keep up a conversation about anything.

This is the dream. All of your problem caused by one simple thing. And when that's fixed, they all vanish. And I am so grateful for that.

But I'm also angry. I'm angry I spent so long (too long) sick, depressed, tired, fat, checked out. I want to stomp my feet and scream, IT'S NOT FAIR.

Too often, I fantasize that I can go back in time, maybe to the day I'm scheduled to have my Mirena put in, with the knowledge I have now, and I don't get it. That simple. I don't do it. What would that life look like?

I try not to do this. I try to tell myself over and over, you can't change it. You can only learn from it and move on.

Even so I often have nightmares that I'm sick again. I'm fighting (usually with Laurie) and I hate myself for it. I can't figure out what's wrong with me.

And then I wake up and I sigh with relief. Just a horrible dream. A horrible dream that I lived for over 3 years.

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