Sunday, January 5, 2014

Lost time

Last night when I went to bed, I wasn't quite tired enough to go to sleep. I looked around until I found a stack of journals that I haven't looked at since June 2011. I thought, perfect, this will be fun to look at.

The first was letters to baby Maggie before I started her blog.

The next was absolute insanity. It was from spring of 2011. The first several pages look like an inventory (as in AA) where I write what I don't like about various people, things in my life and then my part in it. To say the least it was disturbing. I don't even remember feeling this way.

But the next part was even worse. It's probably over 100 pages of letters to God. Some are prayers written out and some are just babbling on but they all include begging God to help me, to make me better.

Honest to God, it reminded me of that scene in Seven when they find the killer's journals.

It's just so sad and scary and awful. And the thing is, I don't remember writing any of it. Not the inventory and not the letters.

2011 is kind of a blank spot for me. Anything happening in the world was unknown to me. Did you know there was a hurricane in New York that year? Not me. I saw an episode of HIMYM about it and asked my mom. The Republican primaries? What else? Who knows? Not me.

But it's not just big things out in the world. In my own life, that time is blank. I'll see pictures from then and I don't remember the circumstances. I think it's probably a good thing. I didn't even read the letters to God; I just saw the dense writing and filled pages and caught phrases and words and put it down.

It feels like an honest to God miracle I survived that time. If it weren't for Maggie, if it weren't for my parents and my sister, would I have?

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