Who knew this was the hard part?

Lent 2011

2011-03-08T14:35:00.002-06:00

Ok, I'm doing Lent this year. I know traditionally Lent is about Sacrafice but I also wanted to add in an element of actually doing something. So. . . I have two goals (or whatever they are called) for Lent. A Do goal and a Give Up goal.

Do: Pray daily and attend church weekly
Give up: Bingeing

Yikes! I'm scared about this but we'll see. I'll try to keep this updated to see how I fare in this experiment. Wish me luck.

Hi, my name is. . .

2010-10-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

Carrie.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what exactly that means.

Who am I? What's my life's purpose?

I think it's to be a mother. To raise my children. But I feel like I'm so bad at it that maybe that's not it.

I just don't know.

For anyone reading this, I'm curious. What is your life's purpose? What do you think you're supposed to do with your life?

SUCCESS!!!

2010-10-08T17:22:00.002-05:00

OMG! I have had a major break through with the intuitive eating stuff.

After reading a couple of Geneen Roth books, I still felt unsure. I'm a very right-brained, analytical type person and her writing is less straight forward that I like. She writes beautifully and I like her books a lot but for starting out, I didn't find them very helpful.

So I bought the book Intuitive Eating by two nutritionists. I love, love it. No complaints at all. I've been following their guidelines as close as possible for less than a week AND. . .

1. I decided I wanted to binge last night. I had already surrendered to the inevitability of it. I had even gotten the food out. Suddenly I said to myself, "If you do this, it is a binge." And I didn't. I put the food back and left it at that.

2. I was hungry this morning but I had morning duty. I decided I would eat an apple to tide myself over until I could eat my breakfast. I took one bite of my apple, decided I didn't want it and threw it away.

3. Someone was getting people lunch at work today. I had my choice between Jack in the Box and Subway. I genuinely thought about the choice. I imagined eating my favorite meal from JB and it didn't seem like something I wanted.

I always pick the worst thing on the menu, always go for the worst (in terms of nutrition) choice. I chose Subway. And I was happy about my choice.

SUCCESS!!!!

Intuitive Eating Experiment

2010-10-08T17:19:00.005-05:00

Day 1 (of keeping track): Yesterday was awesome. Aside from some major successes that I wrote about here, I learned some other things as well.

First I am feeling very confident about this. The fear is leaving and I feel like even if I didn't lose weight I would be ok with that because of how great I feel. My attitude toward food is so different. It's only been a week, maybe less and I feel so different. I can think about what I want to eat with no problem and I just decide. I'm not eating very healthy right now but hopefully that will eventually change.

I am still scared. Gaining weight is scary but I know it's part of the process. For the first time, maybe ever, I don't feel like food is an enemy. I just feel like it's food. I thought when I allowed myself to eat anything I would fast food and junk for months but already I'm eating better. Last night I wanted soup and bread. That's all. Maybe that doesn't sound so amazing. But for me whenever I've ever told myself I can eat whatever I want, I always choose the worst thing I can find. To choose something normal is crazy for me.

I also had a bit of a discovery. One of the things in the book they talk about is eating whatever you want. And if you want one thing and try to eat something different, you won't be satisfied. Last night I came home and wanted more soup and bread. But I didn't want to bother with making it so I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then ice cream and then more peanut butter and I still wasn't satisfied. I'll bet money if I had just taken the few minutes to prepare the soup I would have felt much better. At least I know now.

Day 2: Not as good today. I ate a big breakfast at about 9am so I shouldn't have been hungry for a while. But by noon I was desperate to eat again. Let me clarify, not hungry I just wanted to eat. I tried to figure out what was wrong, I chewed gum. But I wanted to eat. Finally I gave in and ate an early lunch. Not sure what to think of that. Maybe I was still wanting the soup and bread from last night. I just don't know. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. Wish me luck.

Well the day hasn't gotten any better. I'm wondering if this is a reaction to having such a good day yesterday. I can't really think of anything else. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Day 3: Much better day. I'm still really scared about this whole thing. What if I never stop eating? What if I keep wanting to eat nasty foods instead of turning to real, healthy food? How can I ever lose weight doing this?

I'm not asking for much. I don't want to be at a ridiculous weight just a good weight for my body. But how will eating like this get me there? I feel like everyone I read about it tends to me more on the anorexic side of things and I'm more on the bulimic side of things. Does that make sense? Maybe anorexics can be more successful than us. I don't know. I'm just scared. But I'm trying really hard to trust.

Scary

2010-10-07T11:21:00.003-05:00

During my senior year of college I got a great job. Basically I sat at a desk all weekend. I worked at a condo that just needed someone at the office during the weekend. I didn’t show apartments or anything like that. My only responsibilities were to deliver packages that showed up and occasionally walk the building to make sure everything was ok. Super easy.

Since I was there Friday night, 12 hours on Saturday and most of Sunday, I decided to work out while I was there. So every so often I’d run the stairs of the building. Because they had elevators, the stairs were almost never used. They were not fancy but just concrete stairs.

So one Saturday night around 11pm or so I was running back down the stairs. I turned the corner and there was a man lying on the ground in front of the door to that floor. There was blood on the door so I figured he’d fallen down the stairs. He seemed barely conscious.
But suddenly my heart started pounding. My body was telling me something was wrong. That I needed to run.

It occurred to me that this could be a set up. If someone was behind me, I was done. They could do anything to me in this stairwell and maybe no one would ever know.

I turned around. No one. I heard the man say no as I told him I would get help.

I ran. I ran up those stairs 3 or 4 at a time. I had my cell phone with me and immediately dialed 911.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my life.

The police and firemen showed up. I took them back to where I’d seen the guy and I knew he wouldn’t be there. And he wasn’t.

There was still blood on the door but he was gone.

I’m sure he was on drugs or something and fell down the stairs. When he knew I was getting help, he probably just stumbled off to wherever he’d come from.

But still I bawled that night. I knew how close I’d come to something very bad happening. I still get scared when I think of it.

I imagine turning around and someone being there. A simple trap.

From me to you, take the elevator.

Friends

2010-10-07T11:14:00.003-05:00

There is a saying, "Make friends before you need them." I like that. I love the idea of having friends as almost an insurance policy. You don't usually NEED them but someday you will.

I always saw myself as having very few friends. But when I look around now I finally see that really isn't true. I have a large collection of friends I've gathered over the years. People I can count and that can count on me.

It's amazing how important friendships become in bad times. And how easy it is to neglect them in good times. Friendships tend to be the first sacrifice in a busy life. And yet they are so important. I try hard to keep my friendships alive.

I send emails, make phone calls and plans. I try to show up. It's not always easy but I know it's one of the most important things in life. Happiness and health are strongly influenced by the number of relationships you have. The more, the better.

Here's to making and keeping friends!

Fragment

2010-10-07T11:08:00.002-05:00

Every morning I feel like I'm leaving a part of myself at my Mom's house. I miss my daughter so badly during the day.

I know I've written about this a thousand times but every time I think of how much time I'm missing with her, it hurts all over again.

I know that I'm lucky. I am able to leave my baby with my Mom. I have weekends and holidays and summers with her. I have an end in sight in which I will be able to be home full-time.

I know she's happy.

I know she's well cared for.

But I also know it's not right for a mother to be separated from her child.

I know I miss her.

I'm afraid she'll be sad someday when she talks about how I wasn't with her full-time when she was a baby.

I'm afraid she'll think of my mom as her mom.

I'm afraid she won't love me the most.

God being a mother is hard. And I am so unbelievably bad at it. I just hope she knows how much I love her and how much I want to be better for her.

Books, books, books

2010-10-06T10:54:00.003-05:00

1. Favorite childhood book?
Just as Long as We're Together by Judy Blume

2. What are you reading right now?
Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer (I think) and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and
Elyse Resch

3. What books do you have on request at the library?
A Geneen Roth book. My wish list on Amazon is crazy long.

4. Bad book habit?
I don't think so. I have, in the past, had a really hard time quitting books I'm not enjoying.

5. What do you currently have checked out at the library?
No library books but I have quite a few books To Be Read. Life without Ed, The Good Earth, Great Gatsby, Mother Night, Night are a few.

6. Do you have an e-reader?
No. Well I have one for blogs but not books.

7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time, or several at once?
I usually read one fiction and one nonfiction at a time. Sometimes I read multiple nonfiction but never more than one fiction.

8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog?
I don't think so.
9. Least favorite book you read this year (so far?)
I didn't really like The girl who played with fire. I also tried to read the Lord of the Ring trilogy. I made it through The Hobbit but I hated it. Where did the movies come from? Those books are so boring. Dreaming in Hindi was super lame too.

10. Favorite book you’ve read this year?
I freaking love Twilight series. I also really liked The Happiness Project and I'm loving Intuitive Eating.

11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone?
Um, I don't know what this question means. I guess reading books that make me uncomfortable. Never. I read for pleasure.

12. What is your reading comfort zone?
See above.

13. Can you read on the bus?
Usually.

14. Favorite place to read?
Bed.
15. What is your policy on book lending?
No problem. I rarely keep books so I give them away once I finish them. If I loved, I have no problem sharing.

16. Do you ever dog-ear books?
All the time.

17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books?
Not that I can think of.

18. Not even with text books?
Not usually. Occasionally highlight.

19. What is your favorite language to read in?
English.

20. What makes you love a book?
I don't know.

21. What will inspire you to recommend a book?
If I like it.

22. Favorite genre?
Not sure. I read everything really.

23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?)
Not sure. I feel pretty good about my reading.

Favorite biography?
Huh, uh, does the Other Boelyn Girl count? What a great book and historically very accurate.

25. Have you ever read a self-help book?
All the freaking time. I'm a big believer in self-improvement.

26. Favorite cookbook?
Don't have one.

27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or non-fiction)?
The Happiness Project and Intuitive Eating

28. Favorite reading snack?
I don't like to eat and read.

29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience.
I can't think of one. I try to know as little about books as possible so things don't get ruined.

30. How often do you agree with critics about a book?
I don't read critics.

31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews?
It's not my fault if a book sucks. I didn't write it.

32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose?
French or Italian

33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read?
I was scared to read Tolstoy but I love War and Peace and Anna Karenina.

34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin?
Nothing.

35. Favorite Poet?
Good Lord, I hate poetry.

36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time?
I usually have between 10 and 20 books to be read at any given time.

37. How often have you returned book to the library unread?
Never. Even if I don't finish (because I don't like it), I always start the book.

38. Favorite fictional character?
Snape. I'm a sucker for unrequited love sufferers. ("Look at me.")

39. Favorite fictional villain?
What was that evil bitch from the Harry Potter books? Bella something. She was a twisted villain.

40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation?
Whatever I'm reading and a few extras.

41. The longest I’ve gone without reading.
Not sure. Never very long.

42. Name a book that you could/would not finish.
Fellowship of the Ring and Pride and Prejudice.

43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading?
Noise; talking, TV, etc.

44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel?
The English Patient. I hated the book but absolutely loved the movie.

45. Most disappointing film adaptation?
Most are disappointing.

46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time?
Who knows?

47. How often do you skim a book before reading it?
Never.

48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through?
If I didn't like it. Rape, sexual abuse, etc.

49. Do you like to keep your books organized?
No. I keep very few books.

50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them?
Give them away.

51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding?
I avoided Twilight.

52. Name a book that made you angry.
The Girl who Played with Fire. What a let down.

53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did?
Harry Potter and Twilight.

54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t?
Lord of the Rings and Life of Pi

55. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading?
Funny mysteries. Twilight. Bridget Jones.

Hair

2010-10-05T10:01:00.001-05:00

My poor hair. I was thinking of all the crazy things I have done to it. I don’t have many pictures but I remember them all.

In high school I thought I would take my thick, dark, curly hair and redo it into a blonde pixie ala Drew Barrymore circa 1998. Why? Oh good Lord. And when it looked bad I kept cutting it shorter for a few months. It was awful.

Then after a breakup, I decided I needed a change. So I chopped off my hair (I’m seeing a pattern) and tried to die it light red. But because it had been died even darker than it is naturally it turned out burnt orange. I was going for an angled bob but it was so big I just looked kinda like Carrot Top.

Now I mostly just ignore my poor hair. It’s in a pony tail most every day. Certainly every week day. And despite the fact that pretty much every time I cut it short it looks like crap, I’m planning on going short again. Maybe some bangs. I need to shake things up. My poor hair is becoming boring, depressing hair.

Update

2010-10-01T10:23:00.002-05:00

The eating stuff is going quite well. It’s still hard but better. I’ve been trying to read a lot on the subject. I’m really liking the book Intuitive Eating. I don’t know if I have the trust in myself to just let go and eat whatever I want but maybe some day.

Still I feel better about things. I’m discovering a lot as I go along. How I can do things better, what works best for me, etc. It’s a journey, right? I feel like there’s not much else to say.

Work sucks. I’m really hating my job. I’m still looking for something else. I’m sure something will pop up.

Jake is gone at school a lot which makes things really strained between us.

Maya is precious. She is so funny. Every day she cracks me up. We are doing a daily calendar where we talk about the months and days of the week and numbers and weather and seasons. Very fun. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to homeschool, which is kinda funny considering I'm a freaking teacher. But for some reason I feel scared about it.

I guess this is a super boring post so I'll end it. But before I go I should mention that I'm trying to just write for a while every day. So I'll probably be putting up more random posts. I'm just trying my hand at something new.

Lucky

2010-09-06T18:56:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a friend of mine a couple of days ago. She was lamenting her lack of family. She has family that is alive but has little interest in being involved in her or her children's lives. It made me realize how luck I am.

I have four parents, all of whom adore Maya and are directly involved in her life. I have 3 in-laws that I love. I could have had Marie and Frank from Everybody Loves Raymond but I got a great set up funny, kind people.

I have aunts and uncles and siblings and cousins. I have so many people in my life that love and care for me. I am so lucky. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. I think when most people talk about how they want a close family, they want something that looks like my family. And I have it. How lucky is that.

So I guess I just wanted to write about how grateful I am for my family and friends. My cup runneth over.

Change of heart (well, sort of)

2010-08-27T08:59:00.001-05:00

I’ve been a vegetarian since 2005. I became a vegetarian after learning about factory farms and their atrocious practices. I’ve never been against people eating meat just the way that food gets on their plate.

Lately I’ve been reading a ton about local, grass-fed animals and how humanely they are treated. They are not in crowded filthy factories but live on actual ranches and roam around. They are not given tons of antibiotics that in turn make us antibiotic-resistant. And I support this. From the get go I’ve supported these farms. But I wasn’t supporting them in any meaningful way. Like with my money.

All of this is to say that I have decided to eat meat again. I found a market that is around the corner from my work. It is run by a couple who own a ranch and farm in Bowie and Keller. They don’t use antibiotics or hormones. They don’t feed the animals grains. Pigs eat past-its-prime produce and goats and cows eat grass. They graze all day. They even have a blog.

I am actually really excited. I’ve missed meat and I’ll be glad to be able to enjoy it guilt-free. But mostly I’m excited to be supporting a local, humane, environmentally-friendly business.

Bored fat?

2010-08-26T20:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to why I binge and I’ve come up with something. I think one reason I binge is that I’m bored. I’m bored at my job, I’m bored when I have summers off. I’m just bored. Even staying home with a 2 year old gets boring because it doesn’t take real brain power so much as major stamina.

I don’t have a job that is really challenging to me. I’m actually a pretty smart person but I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do so I ended up here. I wish I did something that was challenging. Something I had to work at.

I think this leads to bingeing in two ways. One, when you’re bored eating seems fun and for a few minutes, it is.

Two, I think living a life without challenging myself leads me to want to create an unsolvable problem (ie losing weight). I wonder if I had something challenging to do if I would still feel the urge to binge. I wonder what I could do.

Mommy Guilt

2010-08-21T09:25:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about mommy guilt recently. Mostly because I've been feeling it so much recently. Maya stayed with my mother-in-law for a week and a day while our AC was broken. My MIL posted a ton of pictures of their time together.

Every picture I saw made me feel guilty. Oh look, she cooks her something every meal (or so it seems). Oh look she's actively engaged (can you tell I'm a teacher?) with her all the time (or so it seems). I just felt like I don't spend that kind of time on Maya. I actually felt guilty for picking her up. I thought maybe she's better off living with her various grandparents.

Isn't that horrible? Nothing makes me guilty like being a mom. I never feel like I'm doing a good enough job with her. I never feel like her diet is balanced enough. Like I'm taking her to enough playdates. Like I'm spending enough quality time with her. Like I'm good enough.

Take for instance my yoga classes. I feel so guilty about yoga. I want desperately to go to yoga but now that I'm back at work it makes it even more difficult for me to go. But (here's my Catch-22) because I'm back at work I need the yoga even more. I need that break, that exercise to clear my head. But I feel so guilty about it because it takes time away from Maya. Well, not always. There are 2 evening classes and 1 is before her bedtime and 1 is after. But because I'm depending on other people to watch her I let them decide which time slot they would rather have her. And most times people want to see her and not just sit in my house while she sleeps.

Anyway, I don't have any answers here. I spend a lot of time wondering what percentage of mommy guilt is real (and something I should be working on/improving) and what percentage is bullshit and I should realize I will never be good enough and just do what I can and try to do my best. And goodness I just don't know.

Any thoughts? Do you suffer from mommy guilt? Have you ever thought your kid would be better off with someone else? Did that thought make you feel guilty?

PS. I want to clarify that I am immensely grateful for all my parents and family that both want and are willing to keep Maya. I'm so grateful that she is loved by so many people. I didn't mean for this post to sound ungrateful just whiny.

Snafu and 100th post

2010-08-21T09:17:00.003-05:00

So I went to my yoga class yesterday (which, yea for me!). At first it was great but about 45-50 minutes into class I started feeling really bad. It got worse and worse. At first I just laid there and tried to cool down (I do hot yoga, Baptiste). After about 10 minutes of that I was pretty sure I was going to throw up and there was no stopping it. So I left class, went to the bathroom and did just that. I never randomly throw up. I'm either drunk, have a stomach virus (which has happened maybe a handful of times in my adult life) or am pregnant. None of those things apply now so I'm stumped. Maybe because I donated blood Thursday afternoon. Maybe I was too hungry (I felt like I might be getting hungry on the drive over but nothing major). I have no clue. But after that I went home, ate a handful of walnuts and went to bed.

This morning I'm planning on going to yoga class but I'm starting to feel shaky again. WTF? I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to puke in the middle of class again but I really don't want to miss an opportunity to go to yoga class (with my guy in law school, a job and an almost-two-year-old, opportunities are becoming hard to get). Not sure what to do. I think I'll go and hope for the best.

Also this is my 100th post. How exciting is that! Very exciting for me! Woo hoo! I'm a blogger.

Hooray!

2010-08-20T16:24:00.000-05:00

Fantastic news first: I haven’t binged. I have (mostly) followed the guidelines and certainly my goal of eating only when hungry. I’m so excited. Especially because last night, I really wanted to binge. I know that my binging comes from a place in my head, not in my stomach but it can be really hard to overcome that desire. I mostly used distraction to not binge. I tried on some new clothes and thought up cute outfits and then I went to bed.

I think one thing that really helps me as far as avoiding binges is to remember that you don’t have to do it. I know it feels like it’s an urge that won’t be denied but you can deny it. I also tell myself that every time I don’t do it will make it easier for me to avoid it in the future.

So that’s that. I’m really excited. It’s hard to walk through the fear of weight gain and trust that this will work eventually but I have to believe that it will. The big fear is spending my entire time on this planet obsessing over losing weight or what size pants I fit into. It’s missing time with my daughter because I’m too busy thinking about how many calories I’ve had so far. It’s missing life because I’m putting off living until I weigh X.

Wish me luck!

Epiphany, part 2?

2010-08-18T09:14:00.002-05:00

After I wrote yesterday’s blog post I remembered something. I remembered an email that I sent to my sister (the lovely Elaine) when I was 17 or 18. The title of the email was Epiphany (I remember this because I could not figure out how to spell that freaking word). I don’t remember exactly what I wrote (except for the lines: I am not fat. I do not have a weight problem.) but the gist was that I was using the never-ending process of losing weight to avoid living life. To avoid dealing with my real problems. Basically constantly losing weight/gaining weight/finding new diets/starting new exercise plans was my way of avoiding life and the myriad of problems it contains.

As of today I am 28 years old. I wrote that email 10 or 11 years ago and I wrote a very similar post yesterday. Yikes!

At first this greatly depressed me. I thought oh this is impossible, I’ll never overcome this, I’m doomed. (Drama queen??? Me???)

But then I remembered (ok, I googled, but I remembered the gist) a quote. Knowledge without action is wasted. I knew what the problem was 10 long years ago but I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. The question is do I know what to do now. I think I do. I really do. It’s super hard but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I won’t be the first person on Earth to have to relearn how to eat like a normal human being. It can be done. Right now I’m reading lots of Charlotte for inspiration. She had a totally f-ed up relationship with food and now a few months (that’s not so long!) later she’s on Cloud 9. She writes about how free and amazing she feels. I want that so bad. And if she can do it, so can I.

Last night, I had a huge binge. The biggest one in a while. I had eaten fine all day and followed (mostly) the eating guidelines. I went to an amazingly wonderful yoga class. I thought about food a lot during the class. On the way home I knew I wanted to eat. A lot. I knew it was coming. And I felt powerless. I’m not sure what to do when that feeling comes on. I try to tell myself it’s an urge, a desire but I don’t have to do it. I don’t have to binge.

Does it feel good in the moment? Yes, unfortunately it does. It feels great but it will always make me feel like crap after.

This isn’t going to happen over night. I have to put in the work. It’s not fun but it is what it is. I just don’t want to give up. I know I am probably gaining more weight and that’s so scary. I keep wanting to quit and just go back to dieting to lose weight but I know, in the long run, that won’t work. The weight will come off when I can follow the guidelines. It’s that simple. But this is so scary for me right now.

Something new

2010-08-17T14:09:00.003-05:00

Have you read Women, Food and God? It's really good and I'm trying it out.

I have this deep dark fear that I'm going to spend my life trying to lose the same 10 to *some really high number* pounds. Like it'll never be enough, I'll never keep it off, etc. That is quite scary to me. I don't want to spend my life thinking about weight and calories and carbs and this and that. I just want to eat and work out and be healthy without all the drama. When I hear about women in their 40s, 50s and beyond talking about trying to lose weight, it terrifies me. I always thought I was dieting to be done with it. Not so I could go back to eating fried cheese and pints of Ben & Jerry's but just be free from the obsession of all things weight related.

I heard about the book first through Oprah magazine, then Charlotte of Great Fitness Experiment did it. Both talk of that freedom from obsession. Of being able to eat and enjoy food without obsessing. Without eventually binging. Freedom sounds pretty freaking great.

The author, Geneen Roth, talks about dieting as a distraction. A distraction from whatever. From life, basically. I'm busy dieting but as soon as I'm done I'll change careers or find a partner or be a better mother. Only you're never done dieting. It never stops so you never have to fail at life or take risks or whatever you're avoiding.

So at first it seemed really easy and I was quite excited but I guess crazy runs deep cos it's gotten much harder.

First the eating guidelines. You are supposed to:

1. Eat when hungry.
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment (cars don't count).
3. Eat without distractions (YIKES!!!).
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied.
6. Eat with pleasure and gusto.
7. Eat with the intention of being in full view of others.

These seem so simple. Maya already does all of these without even thinking about it. Or knowing about it. Me? Holy crap. They are so hard, I decided to do one at a time for a week each. And just keep trying until I get it.

So I am on number 1. Eat when hungry. This one is getting easier. I've been doing it since Sunday, I guess. I do obsess sometimes, wondering when the hell I'm going to be hungry again. But mostly it is getting easier. It's funny to be paying so much attention to my body. I've ignored or hated it for so long.

That's what I'm doing. I'm trying not to worry too much about the other rules or even what I eat at this point. Although, I will say, old habits die hard. I am still obsessed with what I eat and how I eat it and I am trying to implement all the rules.

We'll see how it goes but oh, I want to be normal around food. And hating and shaming and bullying myself is unlikely to ever have a positive affect so let's give this a go.

Wish me luck!

July 17, 2010

2010-07-17T13:02:00.003-05:00

Diet and Yoga

I was right about yoga class; it was wonderful. Joseph (my favorite yoga teacher ever) was all about me today. This can be good or bad. Today I'm not so sure. When your yoga teacher is all about you, it usually means you will be having a much more difficult practice than you would have. I.e. Can you reach your foot?

No.

*push* Oh look, now you can.

*sob*

So good but painful, I guess. Still he is an amazing teacher. When I open my yoga studio I will definitely make sure he works there.

Ah, the diet. It's going good but I'm thinking about switching to another diet (or lifestyle, as everyone loves to call diets nowadays). I've been reading a lot about primal. The biggest problem with going primal is the minor fact that I am a vegetarian. Yeah, it makes things a bit difficult. But I do eat fish and I do eat eggs so I might give it a go.

When you go primal you can't ever eat any grains at all. No dairy either. You can eat quinoa, beans and fruit occasionally. Mainly you eat fish, eggs, vegetables, nuts and seeds. Love that variety. I don't know. Of course after looking around AndreAnna's site I see there are lots of options for faking not-allowed food. She's made pizza crust and "rice" with cauliflower. She's also made fake oatmeal and pancakes and freaking bread. That doesn't seem so bad. Plus she has amazing before and after pictures. Good Lord, in 3 weeks?

I also had a bit of a breakdown today. I ate a lot of badness. I was fine, perfectly fine until we went out to dinner. Even though I ate fine when I got home I wanted that stupid ice cream stupid Jake got me. Whatever. It happened. All I can do is move on.

Best part of the day

Taking Maya to visit her grandmother, grandfather and aunt. They love her so much and it's great to see her interacting with them.

Gratitude

I am so grateful I got to go to a yoga class today. See I told you.

July 16, 2010

2010-07-16T18:42:00.002-05:00

Diet and Yoga

So yesterday wasn't so great on the food front. I definitely wanted to eat just to eat, which is bad. Today I fought the urge all day. I wonder sometimes if I don't get a little self-destructive the closer I get to my goal. Maybe. . . or maybe I'm just sick of eating fish, veggies, beans, eggs and cheese.

That's the thing: the bad, processed junk is so good. I love it but it hates me. It makes me feel and look like crap. And it truly is addictive.

And speaking of sabotaging (well, we sort of were), Jake bought me a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. What a punk. I'm on a freaking diet, man!

I did better at doing yoga at home today. I love yoga but it's hard at home. I have to really fight the urge to slack.

In better news, remember when I was buying jeans and I couldn't decide to buy size 6 or 8. Well, I went with 6. . . and now they're too big. Oh happy days. Seriously I feel like crying over that. Size 4 jeans. That's crazy talk. How can I be small enough for that? I do not know but I like it.

Best part of my day

Listening to Maya's belly laughs while I 'got' her. You know the game: "I'm gonna get you." She laughed so hard. Oh, my baby is so sweet. Or rather my toddler is so sweet.

Gratitude

I am grateful for my podcasts that enable me to do yoga at home (I'm not going to be coming up with my own routine--I mean, I could do it for someone else but not for me). It's nice to know that I don't have to stop Maya from falling asleep so we can go to my yoga class.

Still, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be grateful for going to my yoga class.

July 15, 2010

2010-07-15T13:26:00.003-05:00

Diet and Yoga

First, I lost again for another low, which is great. Only 9.2 pounds to go. However, I did yoga, ran intervals and did some strength exercises. I guess that was a bit much. Unfortunately I was ravished after that. So instead of my usual beans and veggies for lunch, I ate a few big spoonfuls of peanut butter, several cheese sticks, and one and a half whole grain English muffins. I guess it wasn't horrible but I don't feel so hot about it.

I did yoga at home with a podcast. It's hard for me to do a home practice. I don't know why. Probably because no one is watching.

Best part of my day

Maya was especially cute today. Probably because I'm stopping the potty training until we get back from our vacation. I decided that as long as we're out for 2-4 hours a day and she's napping another 2-4 hours a day and wearing a diaper while out and while napping, she's unlikely to ever figure it out. So when I get back I'm clearing my schedule so we can be at home in panties, no diapers. Hopefully it won't take too long. I just need to be super consistent; no going out. No playdates, no gym, no nothing. Yikes.

Gratitude

Today I got a letter from the IRS saying I owed them more money. At first I was really upset but then I realized it must be a mistake because I made a payment to them in that exact amount. Phew! Of course, now I have to get in touch with the IRS and straighten the whole thing out but still. . . very grateful.

July 14, 2010

2010-07-14T18:31:00.002-05:00

South Beach Diet and Yoga

The diet's going great. I'm down to another low, only 9.8 pounds til my main goal. I may want to lose more once I get there but seeing as that's the lowest I've ever been, that's my goal.

Yoga is blissful. I had another great class today. My legs have gotten so strong. I have almost no cellulite on my thighs anymore. Woo hoo!!!

Best part of my day

I love picking Maya up from daycare after yoga class. She is always so excited. It makes me happy to see her standing there, looking for me. It just makes me feel so happy.

Also I really like being part of a mommy group. It's so nice to have other mommy friends.

Gratitude

I feel so grateful. I have such abundance in my life. I am a lucky woman.

July 7, 2010

2010-07-07T12:56:00.005-05:00

Happiness Project: Make the choice not to take things personally

I am so bad about this. I seem to love to take things personally. I think I love playing the martyr. If someone is having a bad day and snaps at me I will give them the very obvious silent treatment until they apologize. Cause that's gonna help their day out.

I'm getting better about this but it's definitely something I struggle with. Everything isn't about me!

Day 17 of the South Beach Diet

I gained some today. I think this has a lot to do with being, uh, plugged up. Sorry not trying to be graphic but that's my best guess.

Best part of the day

Floating in my MIL's pool. Cool water, one of those mesh bottom floats, hot sun, Maya occupied. Bliss

Gratitude

I love my yoga teacher. I make sure nothing gets in the way of going to the three classes he teaches each week. His classes are amazing. They fly by. He's funny. I am so grateful I didn't give up trying to get to the first class of his I went to (I got lost). He is an amazing teacher and I am so grateful to be able to take his classes.

July 6, 2010

2010-07-07T08:31:00.003-05:00

Happiness Project: Hug, kiss and touch more

Again, pretty self-explanatory. I know that skin to skin touch releases feel-good, bonding hormones (which is why mommies are told to hold their naked babies against their bare chests). So more touch is always good, in any relationship.

Day 16 of the South Beach Diet

Uh, doing well. I think I lost another 0.2 pound. Woo hoo! Closing in.

Best part of my day

Jake and I took Maya to a petting zoo today. It was so cute watching her interact with all the little animals. The funniest part was when she got pecked by a chicken. It didn't hurt but her reaction was so shocked.

She also kicked a cow. Jake put her near the cow but was holding her up so she could pet him. She started kicking and got him in the face. Poor guy. Jake pet him a lot as an apology.

Gratitude

I am so grateful for my yoga practice. I love it. I love feeling (and seeing) my body get stronger. I love knowing I can go deeper into a pose or hold it longer. I love flowing through the class. I love, love yoga. Although I'm not at my pre-preggo weight yet, my body (I think) looks amazing, especially my back, arms and shoulders. I feel absolutely amazing.

July 5, 2010

2010-07-05T17:22:00.004-05:00

Happiness Project: Say thank you, I love you and I'm sorry more

The thank you goes along with some of my other posts. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

I love you is obvious. You can never tell the people you love that too much, especially children. I try to say it often.

I'm sorry. Why is it so hard to say? When I'm wrong, I need to admit I'm wrong. Even if I'm not the only one who is wrong. I shouldn't spend so damn much time worrying about what every body else is doing. I need to keep my side of the street clean and stop worrying and pointing fingers.

Day 15 of the South Beach Diet

Down another 0.6, I think. Woo hoo! I'm at an all-time low for this diet. Plus I actually lost weight while out of town. Seriously that has never ever happened to me.

Best part of the day

Maya was in a much better mood today. It's amazing how much I love spending time with her. Even when she's being a little stinker, she's still so much fun. I love her so much and feel so lucky to be her mother.

Gratitude

I went to my yoga class this morning. They changed the time from noon to 10am and for whatever reason the teacher didn't show. But it just so happened that a woman that had been there to take the class was a yoga teacher and she taught our class.

When she first started I thought the class was going to be super easy and boring. But it really snuck up on me. I was sweating hard by then end of class, which is always nice.

July 4, 2010

2010-07-04T18:55:00.002-05:00

Happiness Project: Always be grateful

This one is easy when I can remember it. There is almost always a positive outlook when you are having a hard time.

Thank God I left on time or this traffic would have made me late.

Thank God Jake and I are learning more about each other through this argument.

Thank God Maya's lungs are so healthy.

There's so much to be grateful and sometimes I forget that I surrounded by abundance. I have a huge family that I love. I have in-laws that I love. I have friends, co-workers, etc. I have my daughter and boyfriend. My home, my car, my clothes. I live in a stable country. I am quite safe. Jake and I both have jobs. We have college educations. We are so amazingly lucky.

Day 13 of the South Beach Diet

Well I went out of town and didn't cheat. It's amazing to me how much I connect vacation and bingeing. As soon as we got on the road I wanted to stop for fast food, ice cream, snacks, etc. I wanted to eat big every where we went. And it was quite plain that it was just an association thing for me. That's just what I do on road trips and vacations. Which, uh, wow, that's bad. Except I didn't this time. I ate my food that I made at home and brought. I ate nuts and cheese too. I am so proud of myself for not crumbling in the face of temptation. It's hard to do.

I didn't have my scale out there so I don't know what I weigh. Even though I didn't eat any differently I am convinced I will have gained since Saturday. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've never gone anywhere and not gained but who knows. I guess we'll see in the morning.

Best part of my day

Maya peed in the potty again today. She didn't go in her diaper almost at all over the past 36 hours or so. When we got home and I put her on her potty (I brought her potty with us but she wouldn't use it), she peed big time. She's getting it. I may have a potty trained daughter soon.

Gratitude

I'm so grateful for my family. I'm grateful I got to stop by and see my grandma's grave. I'm grateful for everything I have.

July 3, 2010

2010-07-03T17:58:00.002-05:00

Happiness Project: Smile

I wrote this one because I have seen a ton of research on how good it is to smile. How it lifts your mood and the mood of those around you. And truly what could be easier. If you feel sad, smile. If you feel angry, smile. It can be hard to do, but it definitely works.

Day 12 of the South Beach Diet

Today was tough. We were at a barbeque with all kinds of yummy looking food and I wanted to dive in elbows deep. But I would have been so sad if I had done that. So far, so good.

Also, I maintained my weight from yesterday, which is fine. Oddly enough this is the first time I've maintained. I've either gained or lost every other day. It's not as good as a loss but it's a heck of a lot better than a gain.

Best part of the day

I had an amazing yoga class again but what was so great was that I got up extra early for it. I was tired when the alarm went off but I got up, got dressed and went to yoga. I feel very proud of my self.

Gratitude

My family. I'm out here with tons of family. Close family, extended family. I love family get-togethers, which is funny because I hated them as a kid (well, a teen). But I just love seeing everyone and Maya getting to see everyone. It's a great thing to have lots of family.

July 2, 2010

2010-07-02T08:10:00.004-05:00

Happiness Project: Focus on the Positive

This is so hard for me. I'm not sure why because every time I do it I think wow this really works and yet I always think it won't work. It won't do to not point out Jake was wrong about something. It won't do to CHOOSE not to take something personally. It won't do to notice the gorgeous weather and not the bugs. But when I do this it makes me so much happier.

One way that I've found that makes it easier for to remember this is to try to say thank you a lot. And not just to people but, I guess, to God or the universe.

Thank you for this green light.

Thanks you for this great find.

I am so grateful that this yoga class is so hard that my face is soaked in sweat and body is shaking.

I am so grateful I have this moment with my daughter.

When you are constantly saying thank you, it makes it much easier to focus on the positive.

Day 11 of the South Beach Diet

I lost another 0.6 pound. Woo hoo! Definitely going in the right direction now.

I also figured out that I was, unknowingly, eating an off-list food. I was eating low carb yogurt for my dairy every day and it turns out you aren't supposed to do that. So yesterday I switched to low-fat cheese, which is specifically mentioned on his allowed list.

Best part of the day

Maya peed in the potty today!!! We're on day 5 of potty training boot camp and she did it. We only had one accident (and she was with Daddy--he isn't with her all day so he might have missed something). She also had one success (our first). I was so happy I let her watch cartoons (we never watch any TV) for hours today.

My yoga class was amazing. At one point I went to wipe a bead of sweat that was heading for my eye and when I touched my face I realized the entire thing was soaking wet. I've never been sweaty like that not even when I took hot yoga. How is that possible?

Also guess what size Gap jeans I fit into today. Go on guess. 10? No. 8? No. 6? F*ck yeah!!! Size 6 with 12 pounds to go. I am so freaking happy about this, you have no idea.

Gratitude

I think I'm growing a little. I had a perfect opportunity to say I told you so to Jake. Several days ago he wanted to know why we weren't staying two days with my family for the fourth of July. I told him because I thought he worked. And made this big deal about how no one works on that day because it's a major federal holiday. I told him that people do work and that I was pretty sure he had no days off until later in the year (they get a lot of time off at Christmas/NYE but very little through the rest of the year).

Then today my uncle asked me if we wanted to stay. I told him to ask Jake but that it was fine with me. Then after a while, I texted Jake to find out what the deal was and he said we weren't staying Sunday. I didn't ask why but about 10 minutes later I got a text saying (wait for it. . . ) he did have to work. And I didn't write back: I f*cking told you so, sucker!

Growth people, real growth.

July 1, 2010

2010-07-01T07:21:00.003-05:00

Day 10 of the South Beach Diet

Well, I'm back down to my original low on this diet. I lost a pound. Very exciting stuff. 12.8 pounds to go.

Best part of the day

We've got a 3 parter today. My first best part was when Maya and I went to tumbling class this morning. We did all the activities. I tried to really back off today and see how much she could do on her own. I'm still heavily involved and helping and guiding, I just tried to do that less. She still did really well. At the beginning when they sing and do motions, she just sat there. I think she only did one thing the whole time. I don't think she understood that part. But the rest of it: she did great.

Second best part of my day was my yoga class. I know, I know. I'm obsessed with yoga. But I love it. I met two nice women who also go to my yoga class so that was nice.

Third best part of my day was getting a facial this evening. It was the last part of a gift certificate that Jake got me. It was blissful. Amazing. Wonderful. Oh, it was so awesome.

Gratitude

I read a post today about a sick child. Or rather a child that is behind developmentally. I cannot even imagine having to deal with that. Having to think about Maya dealing with that. I am so grateful that she is a healthy child. I know that everyone has their thing; something that holds them back or whatever. And she'll have something just like every other child. But oh, for now I'm so glad she is healthy.

June 30, 2010

2010-06-30T07:51:00.004-05:00

Day 9 of the South Beach Diet

Well I'm down 0.2 pound, which is better than gaining. Maybe I should have only weighed myself at the end of the 2 weeks.

I should write a little about the food. It's still so easy. I'm amazed at how not difficult or frustrating it is. I don't feel deprived at all. It really is an awesome diet and I am healthier. And eventually I will lose this last 14 pounds. I know it wants to stay but dammit it's going.

Best part of my day

Yoga was amazing today. It's not even hot yoga and I had sweat dripping down my face, my arms, my legs. I seriously got my ass handed to me.

Maya was so happy today. It was great. She was laughing and being silly. I love her so much. Her silky curly hair. Her sweet baby face. Her belly laugh. I am the luckiest Mommy in the whole world.

Gratitude

I had visitors today. My Dad came over to see Maya and me. Mostly he sat around and waited for Maya to wake up but we did talk a lot about our upcoming vacation to Maine.

My stepdad came over too. He was only here to air up the tires on my bike. I know that sounds silly, but well, it's a long story. But I am so grateful to be able to ride my again. Although not today because it's raining. Stupid rain.

Then my friend Lisa came over and hung out. She doesn't have kids and I think she was a little shocked about being around a toddler. Maya was in full form; climbing, yelling, laughing, not to mention she peed right next to Lisa. I can see how that might be a little shocking. I tried to calm Maya and definitely kept her off of Lisa. I gave Lisa a towel to separate them in case Maya peed. Lisa was very sweet to her but I could tell she was surprised. I am too. Toddlers are f*cking crazy and they never stop.

June 29, 2010

2010-06-29T08:35:00.003-05:00

Day 8 of the South Beach Diet

AAHH!!! I gained again. I've decided to cut out olive oil (I get plenty of good fats) and add lots and lots of water. Also I will try to eat less at each meal.

Last night I went and got a pedicure and the lady doing it asked me if I was having a boy or a girl. I had just finished a big dinner that included lots of beans (if you catch my drift), but good Lord. That sucks. I've never been asked that before and I weigh 30 pounds less now than I did at my highest (not pregnant).

Best part of my day

I am addicted to my yoga classes. I think I'm going to focus on going to all yoga class for now. I am loving it. I'll probably still run a couple of times a week just to get in some good cardio (and hopefully fat/weight loss) but mostly yoga.

Yoga is truly the best workout. Usually you do yoga in one of two ways. Short holds or long holds. Short holds mean you hold every pose for a short amount of time but move quickly between poses. This makes your heart pound and is great cardio. Plus you get strength and flexibility and relaxation. The other kind is long holds. You move slower but hold the poses until you are pretty sure you are going to die. We did this kind today. I definitely got my heart rate up and my muscles were burning. Plus I still get the flexibility, the balance, the relaxation, the works. It's the perfect work out.

Gratitude

Maya is potty training. We're on day 2 and it sucks. I very much don't like it. She also threw her first temper tantrum today. It was less than fun, although I did video tape some of it. Which I feel really guilty about. What a mean bitch.

Wait what does this have to do with gratitude? Oh, right. I am grateful that. . . I don't know. Not sure what I was going for.

I'm grateful for my funny daughter. We have been going through old videos and labeling and organizing them. When people ask her questions in the videos she tries to answer them. It is so cute. She also yells and waves at the people in the video. I love watching them with her. It's so sweet. Especially when someone in the video tells her to dance so she starts dancing.

June 28, 2010

2010-06-28T07:50:00.002-05:00

Day 8 of the South Beach Diet

Um, I gained another 0.8 pound. I'm thinking something is wrong. To gain a pound in a couple of days insinuates I'm doing something wrong. Elaine has done the SB diet before so I'll ask her opinion.

She thinks it's just fluctuation and not to worry about it. I guess I'll see how it goes for the next little while. I'll probably lose tomorrow no matter what because I only had two meals and two snacks today (although I'll probably have a third snack). I didn't have time for breakfast because we had to go pick up my car (I did have snack). After working out I wasn't hungry and I kept forgetting to make something. I finally had breakfast at about 12.30pm and had been up since 7am. Whoops.

Best part of my day

I had visitors today. My Mom came over this morning and Elaine came over this afternoon. It's always nice to have company.

Gratitude

I conquered not one but two technologies today. First, I figured how to burn CDs (which has been on my to do list for about a year). It took forever because I thought I was doing it right and went through the whole 45 minute process and no. I had to start over on my laptop.

Then I figured out how to get more videos on the Internet so my family can see video of Maya. Turns out you have to delete old ones to make room for new ones. I had no idea.

Woo hoo!

June 27, 2010

2010-06-27T07:37:00.004-05:00

Surprisingly my sunburn that looked pretty bad last night is almost gone this morning. I am perplexed; I thought sunburns got worse the next day. Whatever. Now I'm mostly brown with a bit of red. I'm pretty sure I didn't put on sunblock often enough. Well, obviously.

I decided to go through my dressers last night (and my closet today) and clear out everything that is too big or something I'm never going to wear. I can't believe how much more room I have. Plus I discovered clothes I'd forgotten I had. Ah, uncluttering is a wonderful thing.

Day 7/End of Week 1 on the South Beach Diet

I gained 0.2 pound, which WTF. I'm not upset about it; I'm just surprised. I was hungry all day yesterday because we were out so I didn't have constant access to food. And I exercised and floated in a pool, I thought I'd for sure have a loss. But still not that horrible. Especially considering I still lost 7 pounds this first week. I am shocked. I can't believe that. That's amazing. I am becoming a spokesperson for SB diet. 7 pounds!

Best part of the day

Ok, I was a total grumpalumpagus today. But I did go to a really hard yoga class. This guy kicked my rear. That was a great part of the day.

Also when Maya got up from her second nap, Jake brought in the room with us. She kept saying hi mommy and pretty mommy and giving me kisses. And she was just in a great mood. I'd say she's definitely feeling better.

Which means it's time to start potty training again. Yikes.

Gratitude

People who are kind to parents. There are two parts to this. One is that parents (or rather, children) are often discriminated against. People don't like them and don't tend to want them around unless they are related to them. While I've never noticed them (I'm not really the type to notice), I've heard of parents getting dirty looks.

Now I'm not talking about the parent who brings their baby and toddler to a midnight showing of Pineapple Express (true story!). That's ridiculous. I'm talking about being in the grocery store or any store. Being at the post office. Not when your kid is throwing a giant tantrum but just being a kid.

People that are still kind to my child mean a lot to me. I often worry that people are judging every move I make when I'm with my daughter and a kind smile or word goes really far.

The second is a fact. It's hard to do anything with a child in tow. Maybe that is less true as children get older but my daughter isn't yet 2 and it has consistently been true for me. Doing anything and everything is exponentially harder when she's with me. I have to carry her, her stuff, watch her constantly, etc. It's hard. When Jake, Maya and I flew back from Atlanta, the bags took forever to show up. Finally we decided that Jake would go get the car and I would get the bags. Then we'd meet up.

We had only packed one huge bag and I was holding Maya. As soon as the alarm went off a man walked up and asked me if I thought I'd be able to get my bag. I said oh of course no problem. Even though I was thinking oh Lord I don't know. He got his bag well before I did but he waited until I made a move for my bag, then jumped in and grabbed it.

I can see how some people might be offended by this (or maybe I've just read too many feminist rants) but I thought it was so kind. He knew it would be hard for me to get a bag while holding a toddler. I couldn't really put her down in an airport baggage claim area filled with people and less than 3 feet from a door. So he waited politely and helped. That is true kindness.

June 26, 2010

2010-06-26T08:28:00.004-05:00

Last night Jake and I had a big fight about scheduling, etc. He was annoyed that I had scheduled something that required him to be home at a certain time without consulting him. I guess he's right but it does annoy me. I hate that he can schedule anything anytime because he just assumes I'll be with Maya but I can't schedule anything ever without a consult because I can't make the same assumption.

When he got home (we argued via phone), everything was fine. Then ironically he went out (having never mentioned it to me) with his best friend and his BF's fiance to see a movie. I wasn't too irritated (although the irony was pretty thick) because I needed to clean and I was pretty tired since Maya had woken me up at 6.30am yesterday.

Sometime in the night (probably around 11-1), Jake came home. He woke me up to tell me that he was sorry and he shouldn't have gone out and he realized that he was making decisions as a single guy instead of a family guy. We talked for a while about a ton of stuff. I really want to write all about it but it was really personal so I won't. Suffice to say it made me feel so much better about everything. It was truly an amazing talk. I love Jake so much. And he can be so guarded and closed off and combative. I don't know if he's ever opened up to me like that.

Moving on. . .

Day 6 of the South Beach Diet

I lost another 0.6 pound for a grand total of 7.2 pounds lost in the FIRST week. Wow. I am super excited about that!

I bought a pair of jeans online yesterday. I wasn't sure if I should or not. I only have one pair and it's not the greatest. Everything else is too big. But see, I have more I want to lose so I'm hesitant to spend money on something just to turn around and spend more money later. But still I need a pair. So I went on overstock.com and found a pair of very cheap on sale jeans and bought them. I think I got an exceptional deal because I think these jeans are very popular and usually expensive. They are called Seven something and I think I've heard of them.

I'm pretty sore today from yesterday's yoga class. I love it. I love yoga. I've been thinking about that a lot.

I've spent the past year (well, really the past 10 years) trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I ended up a teacher and while I love my students and my co-workers, I don't feel like it's my passion. So I've been trying to figure out what it my passion; what should I be doing. And the past few weeks, I think maybe I've had a bit of a breakthrough.

I've always wanted to own something. A doggy day care, a health store, a restaurant, something. And then I started thinking about becoming a personal trainer. But now I'm thinking about becoming a yoga teacher and eventually opening a yoga studio. I'm not sure. It's a big goal. I already feel unsure. The first thing I'd need to do would be to establish a regular yoga practice. I can afford to get a yoga membership (it would hurt but not horribly) but who would watch Maya. The place I want to go to finally opened a studio near me (a sign?) but the best classes are during the day so again who to watch Maya? Especially since I'd need to go most days, if not every day. I don't know; I need to give it more thought. Much more thought.

Best part of the day

We went out to Jake's Mom's house and swam all afternoon. It was blissful. I laid in the floaty thingy and it was so nice and relaxing and I am so tired now. Which is nice. I forgot how much the sun wears you out.

Gratitude

I'm grateful for my MIL (sort of--sort of MIL, not sort of grateful). I really do get along with her and genuinely like her. With all the horror stories about MIL/DIL relationships, I feel really lucky to get along so well with her.

Speaking of MIL horror stories, I have a friend whose MIL, when she met her for the first time, told her, "Oh no, you are too fat to date my son." What can you possibly say to that?

June 25, 2010

2010-06-25T06:59:00.003-05:00

Day 5 of South Beach Diet
I lost another 1.2 pound today. Wow. Oh, wait I donated blood yesterday. That's probably more impressive than it should be. Well, I guess they only take a pint. I don't know. Either way, woo hoo!

I'm supposed to work out today but I'm not sure what to do. I'm scared to lift weights because you are supposed to wait 24 hours after donating before doing any heavy lifting. I am always so scared of hurting my arm after donating. I'm thinking of doing a Zumba class. That's all cardio, no lifting. I was going to do a yoga class but that has lifting using your body weight.

Later:
Problem solved! I decided to go to the Zumba class but I forgot it wasn't at my usual gym but at one further away. So when I was ready to go, it suddenly occurred to me that I wouldn't make it. So yoga it was. I googled the address and left.

Google totally f*cked me. It sent me to some tiny street in a different town. Somehow I managed to find my way to the class, sign Maya up for the daycare and get to the class only 15 minutes late. I felt horrible coming in late. So rude.

Best Part of the day

Continuing from above because this class was awesome and the best part of my day. First, the class was huge. I was shocked when I saw how big the room was and packed wall to wall. I accidentally touched and was touched by the lady next to me several times. It was crazy. But it took me about two seconds to figure out why. It was one of the best yoga classes I've ever taken. I absolutely loved it. It was hard but I felt amazing. I will definitely be going back.

Gratitude

I am grateful today for my home. I love my house. I love improving it every day. I do little tiny things and they add up to make such a big difference after a while. Just keeping it clean and tidy make such a difference.

I love my neighborhood. We live on a beautiful cul-de-sac with huge trees and friendly people. I know both of my neighbors quite well.

I love all my windows. I open all the blinds in the house and there is so much light. The living room has giant windows and the sun room is almost all windows. I love it.

I love this home. I love this family. I love that it is ours.

Too much internet?

2010-06-24T16:27:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking more about something I wrote about a few days ago. How much internet time is too much? Not even thinking about the time it's taking away from my daughter, how much is too much?

I worry that I'm obsessed or addicted to the internet. I feel like I need to check if I'm near a computer. The best way for me to really spend time with my daughter is to leave the house because otherwise I'll be tempted to sit down and check email and blogs and this and that. That seems less than good, you know.

I don't own a phone that can connect to the internet because, if I did, good Lord I wouldn't be able to do anything else. It's best to keep my internet sequestered.

The funny thing is I always feel a little bit superior when I can say, "Oh we don't have cable so we can't watch TV unless it's a DVD." I probably watch less than 2 hours of TV a week but I'm the computer for hours every single day. There is absolutely no difference.

I'm thinking about putting time limits on my daily internet time. Like I can get on 3 times a day for no more than 45 minutes per time. God, how sad is it that I need to cut my internet time down to 2 hours and 15 minutes. Of course, I don't actually know how much time I spend on the internet. Maybe it's already about there.

More than anything I want it to be something I think less about. I want to play with my daughter without running to check on the computer.

June 24, 2010

2010-06-24T10:27:00.005-05:00

Day 4 of the South Beach diet
I lost another 0.8 pound today. Woo hoo!!! Very exciting stuff. It's still going quite well. Ironically I read a short article (well, skimmed) about detoxing diets and they said when you ditch the sugar, you can experience bad withdrawal symptoms for up to 2 weeks. Wow. I've noticed minor headaches but it's definitely much better. Here's hoping it stays that way.

When school ended, my Mom was so upset that she wouldn't be watching Maya every day anymore (because for some reason she is not able to come to my house). So I offered to bring her over and let her stay the day once every week. My Mom was thrilled and quite grateful.

So starting last week, I brought her over and she stayed about 5 or 6 hours. Then today, which would have been the second time, they canceled because my Mom has had a migraine for 2 days and is going to the ER.

First, good Lord. Always sick. They are always sick. I bet the ER folks know them on a first name basis.

Second, you couldn't have given me any notice. They called this morning. I got the message as I was driving over there. Because I had this day, I've been packing it full of stuff that isn't convenient to have a baby at. So I had to find someone else to watch Maya and cancel some stuff. Come on Mom. Geez.

Third, a few hours later my stepdad called me and said they would keep her early next week and I said I couldn't do that because of stuff we have planned but she could come again on Thursday. And, well he didn't say anything outright but I think he was mad. He was a little gruffy and said something about how much they missed her. It annoys me. It's not like we're in China. She's right here, just come over. Or join us when we go out. I'm not keeping her from anyone.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I'm not. I am very grateful that my Mom keeps her and I'm even grateful for the day I have to run errands without a toddler in tow. But come on. I'm just annoyed.

Best part of the day

Maya's tumbling class. I really think I like it more than her. She likes it but I freaking adore it. Watching the little ones run around and do there little activities. It's just so cute and sweet. She did so well today. I was so proud. Well actually I guess she did fuss a lot but still she did most of the stuff and she was tired.

My little mama is getting so big. She's definitely starting up the terrible two's. She a little early though. I'm getting much more attitude although, the grandparents get it even worse. I guess you have to be firm or she'll run wild.

Gratitude

I donated blood today. And I'm grateful that my blood will help people. It's a weird thing to think about but possibly my blood could save someone's life. Probably not but it will help. I'm grateful that I'm able to do this. It's such a small thing to do. It hurts a little but it's quick and you get to sit back and (mostly) relax. And the payback is that someone gets vital medical help. That's a pretty nice return on your deposit.

June 23, 2010

2010-06-23T07:47:00.004-05:00

Day 3 of South Beach Diet

So far, so good. It's really not that hard and the more I think about it, the more I think how easy it would be to stay on this for life. Not Phase 1, just the diet. Instead of walking into a restaurant and thinking, "I need to eat healthy," (which, ha ha ha!, yeah right) you walk in and think, "I need to eat mainly lean protein (where can I not find grilled fish?), veggies and beans. Cheese is ok too. How hard could that be? Of course, I should point out, that I haven't actually been to a restaurant since I started this. But still I feel confident.

I lost 0.6 pounds since yesterday. And I was a little sad about that. Oh, poor me only losing more than half a pound in one day. So sad. Gah! Get a grip.

On that note, I cannot let go of thinking about calories and worrying about eating too much. Why am I such a freak? I've actually stopped eating because I was full at like 3 meals. That's unheard of for me. I never stop until my plate is clean or I'm going to vomit. I'm proud of myself for that but I'm still doing a lot of panicking. Although I guess I should just see how things go. If I continue losing weight at a sensible pace then obviously I'm doing fine. If not, then I can adjust. Emergency solved. What a drama queen.

Best part of the day

I love being so productive. Today I made food for Maya and I all day. I cleaned the kitchen, my floors (vacuumed and swept the entire living area--foyer, office, kitchen, dining room, sun room, living room, hallway and bar) and my bedroom. I did a load of laundry (washed, dried, folded/hung up). I cleaned the litterboxes and brushed both cats. I spent for-freaking-ever picking out pictures for my new scrapbooks and pictures that I haven't gone through and bought yet (the whole time I had to tell myself, "You are not wasting time, this needs to be done," while I also berated myself for wasting time). I designed and printed covers for 9 scrapbooks AND researched and found some cheap scrapbooks for my project. I dropped off some clothes at the tailor and took Maya to the science museum.

Wow this list makes me feel like a rock star. Although honestly I need to spend a little less time doing all this stuff and more time with Maya. I feel like I'm a little too excited about getting everything done and not spending enough time with her. God this parenting gig is tough. You can't win for losing sometimes.

But then again maybe I do. I don't know. I feel like I'm doing something else a lot of the time. You know she's playing by me but I'm also reading or on the computer and that doesn't count. I beat myself up for this more than anything. And I feel like I'm cheating her all the time. I have this time with her and I should be spending the vast majority of it with her, completely focused on whatever we're doing. Why is that so hard?

Also I haven't exercised today so I'm feeling guilty about that. I should be able to take the dog on a walk or walk on the treadmill tonight so maybe I won't have to feel bad about that.

Still all in all, a freaking fantastic day.

Gratitude

I'm grateful for my body and my health. Last Saturday I was in a yoga class and I noticed a man outside the windows working out. He was on crutches. When I looked closer, I could see he only had one leg. And he's still at the gym working out.

I have a healthy body. I have no pain when I work out (no bad pain) other than the occasional twinge from my hips (and that tends to happen when you fracture both of your legs in 3 places). I am able to work out. Imagine having asthma that prevents you from exercise or being paralyzed from the neck down. Or having newborn triplets and can't leave the house. Or having 3 jobs and can't find the time. It's a blessing that any fad workout class or whatever, I can try without worrying I'll hurt myself. I can do anything I want.

And that's a blessing.

June 22, 2010

2010-06-22T09:28:00.005-05:00

Day 2 of South Beach diet. I lost 4 pounds since yesterday. As nice as that was to see, I don't think it means too much. I mean that was probably mostly bloat, but still it was a nice way to start the day.

I have had a headache all day despite taking medication. Also my stomach hurt after lunch. Although I was out in Texas heat and when I got home and drank some water, I felt much better. Anyway, I was reading about Linda doing the Paleo diet (which is pretty similar to the SB diet except they also have very little or no dairy) and she talked about having bad headaches for the first few days. She did some research on it and came to the conclusion that she was probably experiencing withdrawal from sugar. I wonder. . .

Today's life rule: Be the kind of woman I want Maya to be.

I think about this a lot. I want to model for Maya what I want for her. Which means respecting myself, living with passion, being responsible, taking care of myself, etc. Those are huge goals. It's not always possible (I don't think) to live the ideal. But it certainly is a major motivator to try. Maya will probably be more like me than I would like so it's important that I'm showing her as much good as I can.

Best part of the day: Jake apologized! When he came home, I immediately asked him to do something for me and he snapped at me. I've been trying to lay off when he first comes home. I know I hate being bothered the second I come in the door and Jake is worse than I am. If I give him about half an hour or so to decompress, he's fine. Either way he shouldn't have snapped at me and it really pissed me off. I decided to just walk away and let it go rather than start a big fight. Then about half an hour later, he came up to me and said he was sorry and gave me a kiss. This is so unlike Jake (the apologizing), which is bad, but it feels like improvement, which is good.

Gratitude: I haven't written about Jake in a while. Things are better between us than they have been in a very long time. I am trying so much harder at being more loving and less nagging. It's not always easy. It is so much easier to be annoyed at him, to snap at him, to ignore him. Engaging with him (in a good way), not letting myself get angry, letting go, not taking every little thing personal, etc. is the hard part. But I can't expect him to do these things if I won't. Being in a relationship is hard. It is so much harder than I ever understood. But it's worth it.

I tend to have a martyr-ish personality and I love being able to say oh look at all I do and why are you so horrible. But good Lord who is going to respond positively to that. I mean seriously. I can make such a huge difference in my relationship. Why is this so surprising to me?

I am constantly proving things I've heard over and over right. You hear things like attitude is a choice and I am the master of my fate. I tell my students this, I tell myself this and yet when I see the proof of it in my life, I am always surprised. I guess life experience is the best teacher. Of course that only works if you can be open to learning your lesson.

Which is not to say that Jake is perfect. Far from it. But worrying about Jake's imperfections is unlikely to help our relationship. I read a magazine article that put it beautifully. Basically any relationship is an equation: a+b=c. I am a, Jake is b and our relationship is c. In this equation, I cannot change b. So if I want c to change what's the ONLY thing I can do? Change a; in other words, change me. Jake may snap at me or not do what I think he should do or whatever but I have to choose to engage.

A great example of this: When Jake's dad, Jake Senior, flew to Atlanta for his other son's graduation. At the airport, he had a bottle of water. The security guy told him, "You can either go back outside, finish your drink and come back through security or you can throw it away." So Jake says, "Well I'm not going back outside." I guess the security agent was in a bad mood because Jake said he got very combative and said something like are we gonna have a problem. Now seriously how many people would have gotten pissed and snapped at that guy? Considering how many altercations I've had with security people, I'm pretty sure I would have (although I hope I wouldn't anymore; I hope fights with security people are over). But Jake's dad said, "Sir, I think you misunderstood me. I meant I'll throw the drink away."

He was laughing as he told the story but really, what a great guy he is. He really is kind to everyone and incredibly polite.

Back to Jake Junior, he's been really great. I really do love him and want to make a life with him. Which is a great thing to be grateful for today.

June 21, 2010

2010-06-21T20:52:00.002-05:00

Remember how I was going to write about my life rules (is that what I called them?) and then stopped. I completely forgot. Whoops. But now I remember so. . .

The days are long but the years are short.

Oh good Lord. The first time I heard this it hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so freaking true. A bad day or really even a good day can seem like an eternity. But you look up and your infant is talking and walking and pretending to talk on her phone. How does that happen?

Being a mom is wonderful. I am happier as a mom than I am at anything else. And I never thought that would be true for me. I honestly didn't think this level of happiness and love existed. I thought it was made up for cheesy novels. And yet I feel it for my daughter.

But the flip side is that parenting can also be monotonous and boring and tedious. Not all the time. But there are times when it so is. I mean think about it: Maya is not even 2 years old. Everything is completely new to her. So she is quite thrilled to sit and look at a book for an hour. Or a block. And not really an hour. In reality she's running from thing to thing and I am chasing after but she usually doesn't even really notice I'm there because she's doing her own thing that makes sense to her but I'm thinking WTF. But of course then I blink and she's getting her driver's license. You can't save time or get it back. She'll never nurse again. I'll never swaddle her again. She'll never be tiny again. We can only move forward. And every single day takes her further and further away from me. I'm going to cry.

New topic. So I started my first day of the South Beach diet today. So far, it seems easy enough. Nothing too difficult. I felt better today. Although after one day, really what can I say? After the carb/sugar/bad fat/fried crap/sweet crap overload I've been on, anything would have been better. Still I'll try to update regularly to keep track of this whole thing.

I also went to an exercise class that's all strength. Holy freaking crap. My arms were shaking so bad and I purposely got really lite weights for just in case. Thank the Lord cause holy cow the class was hard. But I do feel like I can't wait to go again.

Best part of my day: Cuddling with Maya. She lays her head on my chest and wraps her arms and legs around me. I talk to her, sing to her, rub her back, stroke her hair. I love it so much. I sniff her and just breathe her in.

Gratitude: Today I'm going to go with family. I love family. I love holidays and get-togethers. I think of books and movies and thinking oh I love family scenes and the idea of families. But really I have that. I love my family.

June 17, 2010

2010-06-17T19:47:00.002-05:00

I'm planning on starting the South Beach diet next week. I'm very excited about it. I've never actually gone on a diet before. Not like a real diet plan and followed it. I've lost about 20 pounds and been stuck here a while so I thought I'd try something else. Plus I think sugar is pretty evil and I like the idea of detoxing off that.

I turned 28 this week. Which is crazy. Life is going by so freaking fast. It felt like it took a million years to get to 18 and the ten years since then have passed in the blink of an eye. How does that happen?

I finally went to an exercise class at the gym and brought Maya with me. I hadn't been going because I was nervous about putting her in the gym day care. Why am I always so silly about stuff like this? It was fine. No, it was great. I had a great, fun work out (that I'm paying for every month!) and she had fun with the other kids and toys and stuff. We're going to another class in the morning.

I'm having a big Father's Day brunch on Sunday. I'm not really nervous about it this time. This is the third big party I've thrown. The first two were narrowly avoided disasters (and only avoided because of wonderful, kind-hearted Elaine) but the third was great. I didn't go overboard and try to do too much and I was laid back the whole time. I'm going into this one with the same attitude and I'm sure it'll be great. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm making 3 different kinds of muffins and 3 different kinds of pancakes. Which I guess seems like a lot but, even made from scratch, muffins and pancakes are super easy.

Also my stepbrother, whom I haven't seen in about 10 years is coming. That'll be nice. He's married and has a daughter, who is 3. I'm looking forward to meeting them. And how fun will it be to have another little girl there.

Speaking of other little girls, Elaine's baby is a girl!!! I'm so excited. I cannot wait for that little baby to get here. I'm so excited for all of it. The birth, the shower, the baby. Oh, the baby.

Best part of my day: Maya's tumbling class. It's so much fun. Watching her do the activities and especially this time to see her understand better and participate more was great. She just laughs and runs and we have so much fun together. I love it!

Gratitude: I'm so grateful for everything. For my clean house, for my family, my daughter, my pets, my life. I am so lucky in so many ways. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

June 11, 2010

2010-06-11T07:45:00.003-05:00

Life Rule: Doing a little bit every day is better than doing it all at once. Or never.

I wrote about this a couple of days ago, I think. Basically I have bad habit of thinking I can get everything done and then do nothing forever. But what always ends up happening is that I get my couple of "free" days and then I never want to do it again. Then I let things build up so that just the thought of working on something is so overwhelming, I avoid it altogether. So I'm trying to do things every day. To rid myself of the idea of having days off. Life needs to be lived daily. Things like cleaning up after yourself, getting dressed, exercising and eating well should be done daily. They should just be a part of life.

I struggle with this is so many ways. The more I write, the more I think of other ways this manifests itself in my life. I guess this might end up being something I work on for the rest of my life. It's one of those things that even though I know how much happier and how much more satisfied this makes me, I constantly have to fight to remind myself to do this.

Best part of the day: I had a birthday dinner with part of my family. My sister and brother-in-law, my Dad, my stepmom and my other sister were all there. Along with Maya and I (Jake had to work.). It was nice being around people. Elaine is now noticeably pregnant, which is so exciting. Well actually it's not all that noticeable but I did see it when she moved a certain way. Very exciting.

Gratitude: I'm grateful I have the summer off. Although I do sometimes have a harder time when I have unstructured time, I'm trying really hard to be proactive and keep myself productive. It's such a waste to not enjoy this time off. And so far, this summer, every day has been great. Every day has been productive. I have exercised and eaten well every day. I have been happy every day. It really is such a gift to have this time to enjoy my daughter and live my life.

June 10, 2010

2010-06-10T19:56:00.002-05:00

One of the things in the Happiness Project is the idea of having sort of Life Rules that you live by. I've created a few and I like the idea. But I have a tendency to not think about that sort of thing. Even if I read over the list daily, I'm afraid it wouldn't really sink in, you know. So I thought maybe I could write about my Rules to try and remind myself why I picked them and what they mean to me.

So my first Rule is: Love is all you need. I made this rule because I think that I tend to keep score in relationships. I.e. I did x, so I'm not talking to you until you do y. Even though I haven't told you that. It's a horrible trait and I'm actually really bad about it, especially with Jake. So my goal is to always remember that I love Jake and treat him that way. Not just Jake but everyone. Love is, in my opinion, the meaning of life. Not only romantic love but the love we have for our kids, our friends, our family. I need to be doing everything I can to show my love. Life is short and if you miss your chance, it's gone. I want everyone I love to know that I love them.

Best part of the day: I had another wonderfully productive day, which is always so fabulous. But for my best part, definitely Maya's tumbling class. It was so cute watching her do all the little things. It was more involved than I thought and I did the whole thing with her. We had so much fun.

Gratitude: My baby is all better. She's ravenous but she's well. It's so nice to my sweet, funny little girl back. She's starting doing silly little things, like pinching noses and making little jokes. I am so lucky to have such a sweet baby. I love her so, so much!

June 9, 2010

2010-06-09T08:51:00.002-05:00

Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project) talks about having a good bad day. Essentially it's a bad day but you still get stuff done, you don't go crazy and yell at people, etc. Today was a good bad day. I got a lot of stuff done. Not everything but a lot. I exercised. I ran errands. I cleaned. I organized. I didn't yell at anyone or anything else that I feel guilty about. She's right it's much better this way.

I had never thought of doing things this way. I have always kind of thought, if you are having a bad day you deserve a break. Slack off, eat whatever, don't work out, don't do anything, or talk to anyone. So on and so forth. But then I end up feeling lazy, unproductive, out of control, antisocial, fat, etc. Not so great feelings. And when you are already having a bad day, why add more badness?

I'm not going to write about why I'm having a bad day. Why think about it or preserve it for years to come? Better to remember the good stuff, than the trivial B.S.

Best part of my day: I got to talk to Elaine a lot today. Elaine is probably my favorite person to talk to. I always get her and know what she means and she always gets me and knows what I mean. It's one of those effortless relationships that are so rewarding. Hopefully her being laid off means we'll get to spend a lot of time together this summer. Fingers crossed.

I'm really glad that I can look back over my day and know that I got stuff done, that I didn't binge on a pint of ice cream or scream at my ultra-whiny baby. It feels really good to think, well it wasn't the best day but I cleaned, I ran a few errands, I marked some things off my to do list, I exercised and I cleaned the litterbox.

Gratitude: After my GG died in January, the family got together to start cleaning out her house. My Mom wanted us to take a ton of stuff but most of us declined. We did all take some things. I filled a little tote bag with some letters, a book, some pictures, two purses, a ring for Maggie and a jacket. I brought the tote bag home and I haven't really touched it. I just haven't wanted to look at the things, you know. Today I decided to go through it. I pulled out the jacket and went to hang it up. On impulse I put it up to my nose and inhaled. And it was like she was right there. I didn't even know GG had a smell but there it was. Like sweet baby powder. After I cried, I kept thinking how can preserve this so the smell won't go away. But it will. No matter what I do, it will go away and there will be no way to get it back.

GG was a tough lady. She took no bullshit and was hard to deal with sometimes. But I really loved her. She would sit in her blue chair or on her little love seat sometimes and I would sit on the couch and she would tell me stories. Stories about everything. My childhood, her childhood, my mother's childhood. Her first marriage to my grandfather, my parent's marriage, my Mom's current husband, everything. And I loved it. I loved hearing all her stories. She always made me sandwiches. Tuna, pimento cheese, chicken salad (when I used to eat meat). She had these funny little spreaders for that. Like knives with no blade, just to scoop and spread. And these coaster with a little sidecar for pills or your spoon.

I just miss her. I'll remember she's gone and try to bargain it away. Like that's not possible because x, y and z. But it is true. I just really wish it wasn't.

June 8, 2010

2010-06-08T09:17:00.002-05:00

I'm still very interesting in this whole eating thing. I've been thinking about it and it's not just when I overeat or "cheat," it's also with regular meals. I look so forward to eating and, when I notice, I feel disappointed after. And it's not that I'm sad the food is gone, it's something else.

I guess I would have to figure out what I do get from eating. Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm quite perplexed.

Best part of the day: It's been a pretty darn good day. I've gotten a ton of stuff done. Maya is feeling much better. Watching Maya play with my cell phone is so cute. She says hello, who is it. And it's always her grandpa (my Dad) and she tells him stuff (although I usually can't understand). She does ask him how he is. It's so stinkin' precious.

We played in the backyard and I let my cat come out too. She attacked some small animal but I'm pretty sure it escaped. Greenlee, kitty hunter.

It's a gorgeous sunny day.

Gratitude: I'm grateful I was productive today. I'm grateful I got up on time. I'm grateful I was able to go to the grocery store. I'm grateful I worked out and will hopefully be good sore tomorrow. I'm grateful my baby girl is getting better and other than being very whiny this afternoon she's been great all day. I'm grateful I got to talk to my sister today even if she didn't call with the best news :(. I'm grateful she'll be having a baby soon! I'm grateful I've given up on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I know it's hugely popular but, for me, what a snooze fest. I'm most of the way through Fellowship of the Ring and other than a few parts it's just been so overwhelmingly boring. Now I'm reading a relationship book as recommended by Jake's and my counselor. I guess that's it.

June 8, 2010

2010-06-08T08:18:00.002-05:00

So I noticed something last night that I've been noticing for maybe the last year or so. Like most women I've always had issues with overeating/bingeing/what-have-you. But I've noticed lately that I feel the urge or desire, I eat something and I still feel. . . empty, lacking, something. And I feel disappointed. Which leads me to the conclusion that I am looking for something but what. Realizing this has helped cut down on the overeating but still I wonder what I'm really wanting.

June 7, 2010

2010-06-07T19:07:00.002-05:00

Best part of the day: Well first of all, today is the first day of summer! Woo hoo!!! Maya is sick so that stinks but I've still been able to get a lot done. Good Lord how have I missed the memo my whole freaking life. Getting things done, exercising, getting dressed, basically being a normal person makes me so happy. I feel so much better about everything when I do these really simple things. I feel like it's my lot to learn this over and over. Although perhaps I can go ahead and learn this for now and have something else be my lot.

I've been loving my podcasts. I save them for things I'm not too thrilled about doing, like say exercising or cleaning or running errands. And it makes me look forward to doing those things. I love storycorps from NPR. There was an old couple telling the story of how they met and something about the couple reminded me of Jake and I and I smiled. It was quite sweet.

I started my Happiness Project today. So far, so good. This month I'm working on Energy. I'm trying to exercise every day. Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) wrote about how it's easier for her to do something every day instead of a few days or even most days. And I'm like that to. If it's something I have to do every day, then I just sort of accept that but if it's something I do occasionally I'll bargain with myself or try to do a lot one day and nothing the next 5 days. Doesn't work out so well for me. Hmmm. . . maybe this will be my lot in life.

In the same way she quotes someone saying essentially that abstaining, for him, is as easy as moderation is difficult for him. That is so me. I have a lot of trouble with moderation. I tried to follow the Body for Life diet once and it was bad. The eating part of it is that you follow their plan 6 days a week and then eat whatever you want on the 7th day. That didn't work out so well for me. You can do an awful lot of damage in one day. Especially if you are feeling super deprived those other days.

How did I get off on this?

Anyway, I'm working on exercising daily, doing about 30 minutes of cleaning daily, marking one thing off my to do list daily and organizing something for 10 minutes a day. Today I did everything. Woo hoo!

Gratitude: I'm really grateful for the Happiness Project. I really love the book and feel like it's very much changed the way I see myself. For years I've been telling myself that certain aspects of my personality were set and there was nothing I could do about it. And I had just started telling myself that's not true and I can control things. Which of course is a huge part of the book. And I guess it's the whole when the student is ready, the teacher appears. There's nothing too groundbreaking in her book (although I love her writing and like how she sums up research and opinions, etc.) but I was starting to come around to this viewpoint and this book backs that up.

I'm grateful that I feel so much better. For way too long I've been thinking that other people or medicine or circumstances are responsible for the way I feel and consequently the way I act and it feels pretty nice to let go of that.

March 11

2010-03-11T20:06:00.003-06:00

Best part of the day: The 1 and 1/2 hours I spent with Maya at my Mom's house before Open House started at my school. She is so much fun. It's amazing to me how funny and silly and sweet she is now. As she gets older I definitely mourn that she's not a little baby anymore but her sweet little personality more than makes up for the fact she's not so. . . teeny, I guess. I don't know why it's so hard for me to see her getting older. I guess it brings home the fact that she's not mine to keep forever. She's her own person and some day she'll live her own life. But for now she's my little girl and I am so in love with her.

Also, last Saturday, Jake and I were in the car on our way to Elaine's house for dinner. We had to stop to get wine and he grabbed some sushi to hold him over until dinner. We sat in the car while he ate and kinda chatted. Then, out of the blue, he said, "I love you lady." It wasn't today but it was a nice moment that I want to remember.

Worst part of the day: Um, I don't know. It's been a pretty good day. I wasn't thrilled about having to go back up to work for Open House but it wasn't horrible. I have a big under-the-skin zit that I could certainly do without. And seriously on Open House day? I have to break out today? Come on universe, through me a frickin' bone.

Maya moment: I fed Maya dinner at my Mom's house. After she had eaten I let her down and went to get myself dinner. She followed me around the whole time saying, "Eat," and "Hungry." So I got her a little more food and sat her back down. She refused to eat anything of hers and just kept pointing at my food and asking, "Bite?" So stinkin' cute but eat your own food kid.

Gratitude: I say this all the time but it's so true, my daughter. I am so grateful for her. But I always say that so I'll try to come up with something else.

How about my health, the fact that I am pretty comfortable financially, that I have a job, that I have a home, a car, etc., the health and happiness of my partner and daughter, my sister's pregnancy? That's a pretty good list.

March 5

2010-03-05T19:14:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Sitting with Maya while she ate dinner. I worked on a puzzle, she worked on her food and we sang songs and made silly noises. It was quite fun. It's funny how hard and stressful and tiring and (sometimes) boring parenting is and yet I look back and feel mostly joy. Not that I'm complaining.

Another really good moment: This morning I way overslept, so I asked Jake to get up and get Maya ready. I said, "I'll love you forever," and he said, "You already will," and I said, "No but I will if you help me." He did get up and get Maya ready. I asked if was going to put her in the car and he said it was too cold (he was still in his manties). Then he asked if I would still love him forever even if he didn't put Maya in the car. Of course I will.

Worst part of the day: My annoying student. I have one that just drives me batty. He is so immature and when you are 10 and immature it's like having a freaking 4 year old. A whiny, spoiled 4 year old. Some days it's so hard to deal with him. Today was one of those days.

Maya moment: Oh, watching her walk around the playground. She couldn't quite keep up with the other kids (they were all older). It breaks my heart. I know she's not sad about it and it's just that she's so little. But it just kills me. Watching her try (sorta successfully) to play with two little girls, I thought I was gonna throw up. I know that sounds dramastic but it's all happening so fast and what if she gets bullied or her feelings get hurt or no one wants to play with her. I'm going to cry. Because all those things will happen most likely. It's a vulnerability like nothing I have experienced because no matter what I can't (and probably shouldn't) protect her from it all. Oh, but I want to. I really, really want to.

Gratitude: I know, I know but Maya. I'm just so grateful for her. I feel like I won the freaking lottery.

That I got more yarn. I finished my last blanket last weekend and every evening I sit down to read blogs and reach for my knitting and there's nothing there. I finally remembered that I need to buy yarn at a time when it's useful to remember that and bought some blue and green yarn. I love knitting.

March 3

2010-03-03T19:08:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Taking Maya to the park. For the first 10 or 15 minutes, she needed to be held while she just looked. I squatted next to her and she stood with her arms around me and I had my arms around her. I know that she won't always need me this much but I love holding her and being her security.

Also she came up to me this evening to "chat" and I just looked at her face and. . . I don't know. I had no idea how much I could love someone. She brings me more joy than I can even explain.

Worst part of the day: Testing. Boo. That was lame. One of my student's mother told him she can't handle him and is sending him to live with his father. This is a third grade kid and his mother is a basket case looney toon. But seriously what a horrid cruel thing to say to your child. Even if it's the truth, how you could you tell your child that?

Maya moment: All of them. Ha. She's so sweet. It's hard to pick. Jake and I have been talking to her about the potty and she often walks around saying,"In the potty." While we were at the park she walked up to a mother sitting on the bench and told her,"In the potty." It was pretty funny.

Gratitude: Elaine!!!

January 19

2010-01-19T18:21:00.003-06:00

Best part of the day: This is going to sound weird but I spent about half an hour with my assistant principal and it was nice. We chatted about books and working out/dieting and it was nice to talk to an adult.

Also when I got to my Mom's house, Maya was still asleep. I went in the room without waking her and was able to watch her sleep for a couple of minutes. She was so peaceful and sweet. She woke up but didn't move and didn't realize I was there for a couple of minutes. When she finally looked up she seemed happy to see me. . . and very tired. Poor baby, she didn't even make it to her bed time before she was out.

Worst part of the day: My aide, Lynette, is having a hard time. Her douche bag ex stood up their kids. Again. She had a negative pregnancy test and our principal was giving her a hard time about nothing important (hence why I was talking with the ASSISTANT principal). I felt really bad for her.

She was with her ex for 11 years and since they split up he has become a complete loser. He doesn't pay child support (and when he does, he always asks to borrow money), doesn't see their kids, doesn't call on special occasions. It's awful. As a mother, I can't imagine watching my kids get hurt like that.

Luckily she's married to a great guy now who loves the kids but still I know it's a difficult situation.

Maya moment: She is quite the walker. She walks all over the place with much less stumbling. She's even agile enough to bounce up and down when she wants something.

She loves pointing pictures and trying to tell me what they are. It's quite cute. Most of it I can't understand but sometimes I'll hear puppy or flowers. It's amazing how fast they grow up. I know she's still a baby but just barely. She's walking and talking and requesting (Eat?).

Gratitude: I'm so grateful that despite being tired and feeling lazy I worked out today. I may not have given it my all (or my half) but dammit, I did it!

January 18

2010-01-18T18:33:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Today felt like a perfect day. It felt like the best case scenario for if I can ever be a stay at home mom. I spent all day with Maya, got stuff done while she napped and had fun doing it all. We cuddled and read books and played. It was so wonderful.

Worst part of the day: During Maya's nap I was really scared that she was dead. I don't know why or where that came from but I couldn't get it out of my head. After almost an hour of freaking out I broke my rule and went in and checked on her. She, of course, was fine and, luckily, I didn't bother her.

Maya moment: She keeps asking Book? She'll bring a book over and put her arms up. Then she'll sit nicely in my lap while I read a book to her. Occasionally she'll inform me what the picture is (bunny!) but other than that she just looks and listens.

Gratitude: Today. This has been such a great day. I met all of my goals for the day. I worked out. And most importantly I spent the day with my sweetest little princess. What more can you ask for?

January 17

2010-01-17T22:36:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Definitely Maya. We had so much fun today. I didn't feel so hot but she was so sweet and fun.

I worked out which helped me to feel a whole lot better.

Worst part of the day: Waking up at 5 am to throw up. Yeah, it doesn't get much worse than that (well actually yes it does but not for my day). Last night I had Chinese food and 3 glasses of wine and I guess that was too much. What really sucked was that by 5am I was stone cold sober. Throwing up isn't so bad when you're drunk but when you are sober, it's no fun.

Maya moment: When Maya woke up I brought her into bed with Jake and me. She was laughing and playing and Jake gave her his phone to play with. At one point she took the phone and put it up to her ear and said Hewoh? That's the first time she's ever played pretend. It was so cute. She is so precious and sweet.

Gratitude: I know I say this a lot but I am so grateful for my daughter. She is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm also grateful I worked out. Pre-pregnancy weight, here I come.

January 16

2010-01-16T19:26:00.002-06:00

Best part of my day: Well I got a lot done. I now need reading glasses so I got to pick out my new frames.

I got to spend a ton of time with Jake and Maya, which is always so nice. Plus Jake and I will be starting our at-home date night soon.

I worked out and got to take a nap.

Worst part of my day: While I was at the grocery store, there was a man there with his son and daughter. He was so mean to his son. It was awful. I didn't really hear what he said but I could hear his tone and it was condescending and mean. The kid was having trouble tying his shoes and his Dad bent down to do it and told the kid he should know how to do this by now and watch because he's sick of doing it. It was awful. I really hope I never have such a hard, bad day that I would talk to Maya like that.

Maya moment: She spent a lot of time with Jake today since he's been out town for almost 2 weeks between work and his father's accident. Listening to her laugh and play with him is so sweet.

Also she has started to be more interested in reading books. And will ask, "Book?" I am so happy to oblige her.

Gratitude: That my eyes are mostly healthy and I only need glasses for reading. That I get to wear cute frames and help myself out.

That Jake is such a kind, gentle father to Maya.

Maya, always Maya. My sweet baby.

January 13

2010-01-13T16:18:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Watching Maya play. With me. With the dog. It's great watching her run around and be silly. She has all these little games she plays now and it's so much fun to watch.

Worst part of the day: Getting out of bed. I was so freaking tired. But on the bright side, things could only get better.

Maya moment: I love all of her words. Eat, all done, nap, pee-u (whenever you change her diaper), meow (when she sees a cat), Mama, Daddy, Nana. Saturday she even said Aunt Elaine, quite a mouthful. She's growing up before my eyes. Where is the pause button?

Gratitude: My daughter, always my baby girl.

That Elaine's lady stuff is going well.

That my kids won't be at school on Friday!

That I can go to bed soon.

January 12

2010-01-12T19:43:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: My time with Maya. It's so great to have her home. I have missed her like crazy. With my Mom/nanny out of town she's had to stay with my Dad a lot. It's been really hard not having her here with me. My stepmom told me that Sunday night/Monday day she kept asking, "Mama?" over and over. That hurts. My poor little baby. But she's home now and it's so much nicer.

Worst part of the day: I can't really think of anything. Maybe my workout, that was hard. But still working out is good so. . .

Maya moment: We have this little game we play where she'll make some random sound like um and I'll mimic her. She thinks it's so funny and will give me these excited looks before she makes the sound again and as soon as she does, I'll repeat it back. It's silly but so, so sweet.

Gratitude: That my baby girl is home. Being separated sucks.

That's Jake's father is getting better. Things seem better by the day. Already he is discussing going to back to racing once he heals. The trick will be slowing him down so he can actually do that.

That my Mom is back. Because she can keep Maya and because I like her alright.

When it rains,

2010-01-11T20:15:00.002-06:00

it freaking pours.

My GG passed away late Wednesday night. My sister, brother-in-law and I drove down there, helped with all the funeral arrangements and spent time with family. It's still so shocking and unreal to me. But I think that's a whole 'nother post.

Jake and Maya came for the funeral on Saturday afternoon. After the funeral our whole family had dinner and then we headed home. We got home about 11pm. I put Maya straight in bed (she slept almost the whole ride and didn't really wake up when I moved her). And then I went to bed.

Jake stayed up to watch his Dad's races. His Dad is a harness driver, which is basically a chariot race. It's really popular in the Northeast, where he used to race. He now races in California. As Jake was watching one of the races he got to watch his Dad get in a horrible accident.

His Dad, Jake Sr., got clipped by another driver causing them to collide and his horse fell on him. Twice. Usually when there is an accident, the remaining drivers continue the race but the announcer stopped the race and called for an ambulance because the second time the horse fell on Jake Sr. he didn't move.

Jake couldn't get a hold of anyone. He called every hospital in Sacramento. He called the track. Finally as a last ditch effort he sent an email to the announcer. And he called him. The announcer told Jake it was the worst accident he'd seen in 20 years. So Jake bought a ticket to California.

Jake Sr. broke every bone in his face except his eye bones and his jaw and teeth. Air was forced up his sinuses into his brain, which apparently is really bad. He broke his arm clean through. So badly, in fact, that they can't do surgery, just put it in a sling and hope it heals well. He's already had surgery on his face. It's so swollen he can't see or hear out of one ear. He's also pretty sure this is the end of his racing career. He's 49 and this is the only thing he has ever done.

Today I went back to work. I take my lunch in the classroom while my aide takes our students to the cafeteria to eat. I was enjoying my lunch and blogs when she came bursting in the room, obviously crying.

She had just gotten a call that her husband had collapsed and wasn't breathing. He was being rushed to the hospital.

Luckily, he is doing much, much better. The doctors thought he was having a heart attack but it turns out it was a horrible reaction from mixing a prescription cold medicine with an over-the-counter sinus medicine. I never believed stuff like that happened.

So that's my last few days. The new year is kicking my ass.

January 6

2010-01-06T20:13:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Spending time with Maya. Finding out I don't need surgery on my leg from my Marine Corps injuries. Working out.

Worst part of the day: My grandmother is dying soon. All of meds have been stopped, catheter removed and IV removed. Now we are just waiting.

Maya moment: She can count to 4. I kept thinking I was hearing her say 2, 3 so finally I said 1 and she counted up to 4. That seems pretty amazing.

Gratitude: I'm grateful that my grandmother isn't suffering. She's not in pain and hopefully this will be over soon. It's a weird thing to wish but she isn't really here. I hope she will soon be with her husband and parents and friends in Heaven.

January 5

2010-01-05T21:04:00.002-06:00

Going back to work after a long break sucks. I was so freaking tired yesterday I didn't do anything. But that was yesterday and today has been much better. Well sort of.

Best part of today: Seeing Maya after like 40 hours. My Mom is out of town with my grandma who is in the hospital so I have no childcare. My Dad could watch her but he wanted her to come stay, which is completely understandable but jeez. I missed her so much. When I saw her today it made me so happy.

Worst part of today: Bad news about my GG. Apparently she is barely eating and hadn't peed in over a day (she has a catheter in now). The docs told my mom and uncle that she wouldn't be going to a nursing home and that she won't last more than a few weeks. I'm still hopeful that she'll be fine but I'm starting to think I'm being a little dense about things. I just cannot wrap my mind around this. She was fine at Thanksgiving. How can things have gotten to this point in a month???

Maya moment: My Dad gave her a bath yesterday but he couldn't find any lotion to put on her. He told me she kept scratching her head so I should put some lotion on it. Turns out putting lotion in dry hair is. . . interesting. Good Lord, her hair is sticking out all over the place. She looks like she touched one of those static electricity ball things.

Gratitude: I'm grateful to my Dad for helping me out with Maya the last couple of days.

I'm grateful that Mom and uncle have this time to be with my grandmother.

I'm grateful that my baby girl is back home with me.

January 3

2010-01-03T21:58:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Celebrating my Dad's 21st AA birthday. Maya was very excited by the whole thing. And it was fun being around everyone. Plus there was a teeny tiny baby there and I got to hold her. My ovaries still hurt.

Worst part of the day: Honest to God, I can't think of anything.

Maya moment: At the meeting people go up and talk and introduce all the people celebrating their birthdays and then the celebrants talk. Maya was noisy throughout. Everyone was really nice about it (I've known everyone for years and they are family to my dad and stepmom).

Also there is an older man there that is really big and has a big white beard. And every time Maya sees him she says, "Ho, ho, ho." He plays Santa during Christmas so he's not offended or anything. But seriously, how stinking cute is that?

Gratitude: My parents for helping me with Maya this week. I'm in a tight spot. My Mom (who usually watches Maya--thank the Lord) is still out of town with my grandma. Jake is in Arkansas on business. Maya's spending the night with them tonight and they are at least keeping her tomorrow.

January 2

2010-01-03T13:11:00.002-06:00

Best part of the day: Spending all day with my sister, always a nice thing. Seeing family.

Worst part of the day: Seeing my grandmother at her worst; sick, confused, weak.

Maya moment: Well I only got to see her for about 5 minutes as I was leaving but that was sweet. She was telling me she wanted to eat. Still so cute. I also had fun telling my grandma stories about her.

Gratitude: While we were in the hospital I was reminded of the 2 times I've been in the hospital: once when I was 16 and had an appendectomy and once when I was in the Marine Corps and broke my legs and had to be on bed rest for 6 freaking weeks.

When I got my appendectomy tons of people came and visited but only one person could stay the night with me (and sleep on a ridiculous, tiny couch) and that person was: Elaine.

When I was in the Navy hospital in South Carolina (my entire family is in Texas) only one person came and saw me (the first of any family I had seen in about 5 or 6 months): Elaine.

I am so grateful to my sister who is always, always there for me. I feel like this says it all and is also woefully inadequate at saying how much I love and am truly grateful for my sister.

Elaine, I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you. I love you.

New Format

2009-12-31T18:49:00.003-06:00

It's occurred to me that I rarely write here anymore and I couldn't figure out why. Until (obviously) now.

I've been trying to be all serious about this blog and analytics (?) and blah, blah, blah. Who am I? I'm not a writer. Not really. This blog is about remembering my life. The ins and outs of my days. It doesn't matter if anyone reads or not.

With this in mind, I've decided to somewhat change my format. I cannot come up with stories to tell everyday. I read other, real blogs and think wow, I write nothing like that. So since I can't keep pace with the big girls, I just give up? Eff that.

I am highly logical, analytical, etc. so instead of trying to be creative I'm making (which I know that is creating) a sort of template that I'll basically fill in as often as I want. It'll probably change a lot but for now:

Best part of my day: Getting to sleep in really late. It finally occurred to me this morning that I've had the "early shift" every day of vacation. And that hardly seems fair. So this morning when Maya woke up I informed Jake he needed to get his ass up while I slept in. And let me tell you, it was nice.

Worst part of my day: Being a bum and not going to yoga for like the millionth time in a row. Why is it so hard to get back in the swing of things? I guess the trick is to never stop because re-starting is ridiculously hard.

Maya Moment: Maya has started signing and it's so stinking cute. It's not hugely useful since she also, you know, speaks but it sure is adorable. When she is hungry she says, "Eat," and points at her mouth. So cute.

Also she was in the kitchen, starting to explore/empty the cabinets and drawers. I walked up to her and very firmly told her "No!" For the next 5 or 10 minutes she walked up and down the kitchen saying, "No, no, no."

Gratitude: My baby, my angel. I love her so much it feels painful sometimes. Who knew?

Intelligence work?

2009-12-11T11:05:00.001-06:00

I did a quiz in O magazine and another on Career Builder's website and they both told me I should work in intelligence work. Ok.

What the hell does that mean?

As an aside, if I don't know, does that mean I am not qualified to work in intelligence work?

Career Builder said to look for the words analyst and audit. Even with this helpful hint, I feel at a loss.

O magazine ran a follow up this month with a few ideas. Mine were biomedical research (I freaking hate science so that probably wouldn't work for me), computer programming (not sure how much science that requires; maybe I would like that) and law (hmmm??? how ironic that next fall Jake will be starting law school).

So basically I'm completely at a loss. I would love to work at a job that I enjoyed. What is the saying? "Find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

I guess the search continues. There must be something out there for me. . .

My baby. . .

2009-12-08T15:19:00.001-06:00

The best part of Thanksgiving was watching Maya play with her little cousins. They are only 1 and 2 years, respectively, older than her. She was so happy. She would look over at me for encouragement or reassurance maybe and then go back to playing.

At one point they got a little too close and she backed up a little. Other than that she just smiled and laughed. It was wonderful.

And yet, it made me unbelievably sad. It took me a while to figure out why I was so sad about Maya having such a good time.

All these 15 months of her life, Maya has been mine. She is my baby. Sure, other people play with her, keep her, what have you. But she is my baby. Seeing her play with those little girls was the first time she was her own little person.

And as her own little person, she will continue doing her own little thing. Part of which will include growing up and no longer being my baby. And while I'm not too bothered (just heartbroken) about her getting older, the reminder hurt.

How can my baby be such a big girl? How can time go so fast?

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-12-06T16:16:00.001-06:00

We celebrated Thanksgiving with my grandma, GG, and that whole side of the family. That side of the family includes her 5 brothers and all of their kids and their kids' kids. Lots of family.

But it's great. I love going to Thanksgiving out there. Especially because there are so many kids for Maya to play with.

We carpooled with Elaine and her husband. We had dinner on the way down there at an awesome Mexican food restaurant that had a Starbucks inside it. How cool is that?

Maya had a hard time sleeping while we were there. Since Jake and I sat in the back seat with her on the ride down there, she refused to sleep until the last 30 minutes. But apparently that 30 minutes was all she needs cos she was ready to play, play, play. . . at 10:30pm.

That was absolutely no fun at all. We got home on Friday evening and put Maya to bed at about 6pm. She woke up at 9:45pm with a poopy diaper. I nursed her, put her back to bed and she slept until noon. And actually we woke her up at noon.

Anyway we had a lot of fun. The best part was watching Maya play with her cousins, which is a whole other post.

The worst part was being lectured about how Jake and I need to get married. That was not fun. I knew she was planning this and I warned Jake. He made a big deal about how he wasn't going to put up with that, blah, blah, blah. But he had nothing to say. At all. But my GG is no joke. You don't mess with her.

Birthday Party

2009-11-27T14:18:00.000-06:00

I noticed that I never actually wrote about the fact that I threw a birthday party for Maya. Well I did. The long-suffering Elaine is probably reading this thinking that she actually threw the party and I guess that's not far off the mark.

I called Elaine the day of the party and totally freaked out. Jake and I were still cleaning and I hadn't even gone to the grocery store yet. So Elaine went for me while Jake and I cleaned. I am so ridiculous lame. I promised Elaine I won't throw anymore parties. She told me that, for her part, she's not going to call me or answer her phone before said parties. Ha.

Actually Maya's party was great. I had the idea to get a poster board and have everyone write something on it for Maya then take pictures with her in front of the board. It was really cute.

We had cupcakes, which Maya wanted no part of. She cried when I kept trying to get her to eat some so I finally left her alone. She got scared when everyone clapped for her after singing to her. Poor baby.

She wasn't too interested in presents but she did like her cards. She was perplexed with everyone staring at her. She kept running through her "tricks": so big, pretty hair, etc. It was like, "Uh, people this is all I got, what do you want?"

To Do or Not to Do

2009-11-23T14:08:00.002-06:00

I've been struggling with the idea of possibly changing careers. I don't really have any idea what I would do if I quit my current job but that's not really all that important. Assuming that finding another, higher-paying job were not an issue, here's my list of pros and cons of leaving my job. Please weigh in. Any and all opinions are quite welcome.

Pros

I could make more money. As a teacher I don't make too much money. Unfortunately I have debt including credit card debt, school loans, a car and making more money means I could pay that all off which would help me to eventually be able to work a lot less and spend more time with Maya.
I'm not too thrilled with my job. I love and genuinely care for my students but I freaking hate all the red tape BS that I have go through. I feel like I'm constantly fighting admin (either my principal or the Sp.Ed. department) or dealing with crazy parents. I hate it. Not to mention that I work with defiant, oppositional, violent, aggressive children, meaning I've been hit, kicked, bit, spit on, felt up, you name it.
I feel like a job is just a job and no matter what it's just going to be something I do so I might as well make a lot of money doing whatever it is I do.

Cons

Less time with Maya. As a teacher I have a ton of time off. I get a week off for Thanksgiving and Spring Break, a couple of weeks at Christmas AND all of summer. I'm very weary of losing that time with my baby. She's growing up so fast, I just don't know.

So there are my reasons. There are probably about a 1,000 more but this what I got so far. What do you think???

Lady Parts

2009-11-17T20:39:00.003-06:00

So Maya is now very interested in her lady parts. It started off that occasionally while I was changing her diaper she would reach down and do some half-assed exploring. Then every time the diaper came off her hands were going for the gold. Now before I can get her diaper off she's got her ankles by her ears and she's grabbing her soggy diaper.

Wow.

I knew this would happen. I've taken child development classes and read Dr. Spock but wow. I really want to encourage a healthy sexuality in Maya and yet. . . wow. She's essentially masturbating in front of me and her dad (poor Jake is so horrified by the whole thing--especially now that he can't deny what she's doing).

When I first heard that babies touch themselves I figured it was just an exploring thing and it didn't really mean anything. Then one professor pointed out that babies/children keep doing it because it feels good. Despite that being completely obvious, it rocked my world.

Babies can feel pleasure? Of the sexual kind? I thought you couldn't feel that until puberty or, you know, 20.

Maya's doing her best to convince me that, yes, little babies can and do feel that kind of pleasure. WOW. Am I the only one shocked???

I feel so awkward about the whole thing. I don't want to remove her hand but I have to put a diaper on her. What do I do about this? Am I stifling her exploration by putting a diaper on her?

I try to smile at her so she doesn't think she's doing something wrong. I don't tell her no or move her hand before I'm actually putting the diaper on.

Good Lord this parenting gig is hard. Already I have to worry about sex stuff???

Wow.

Where does the time go?

2009-11-16T15:24:00.000-06:00

Maya is getting so big. Somewhere I read/heard a saying, "The days are long but the years are short." So true. Some days feel like they take a century to get through. But then I turn around and my little baby can walk. And feed herself. And talk (sort of).

How does that happen?

And I know it's a good thing. As she gets older it just keeps getting better. She's more fun, sweeter, funnier.

I just feel this sense of desperation. Time is running too fast and I can't stop it or even slow it down. She is not mine forever. She will grow up and move out. She will have her own children or career or whatever she chooses.

She will only be a baby once. She will only be little once. One day she won't nurse. She won't cuddle. I'll be Mama, then Mommy, then Mom.

When she was just born, I remember telling Jake that our job as parents was to prepare Maya to leave us. What a sad truth.

It is the way of the world. The way things have always been. But that knowledge doesn't make it any less sad.

Long time, no write. . .

2009-11-11T21:19:00.002-06:00

Holy crap it's been a long time. It's funny how the longer it's been since I've written the harder it is to get back in the swing of things. I'm usually mentally composing posts all the freaking time but lately I rarely thing of writing. Bad sign.

And of course, its NaBloPo or whatever month so everyone else is writing every freaking day. But not me. But no more long silences. I really would like to write regularly.

Ok, so that's it. Sorry for the boring post.

Two Stories

2009-09-29T20:06:00.000-05:00

Story 1
I have a new student that has major behavior issues probably caused by his cerebral palsy. He goes off often and will tell me, "I'm gonna keeel you." He has a slight speech impediment.

So today he is laying on the ground after destroying my room and yelling and threatening and etc, etc and he's talking to himself.

I heard him say, "Run away, Mommy, I'm gonna kill you." If you don't have chills, let me further explain that this is a 30 or 40 pound first grader with a speech impediment.

Spooky.

Story 2
I have another student, also a first grader, than has a very low IQ. Low enough that he is moderately mentally retarded and functions on about a 3 year old level.

We were sitting at the back table doing his reading lesson. I noticed he kept looking at me. Finally he leaned in close and said, "You have boobies."

"Uh, yeah," I answered, cause actually yeah I do.

He smiled. "So does my Mommy."

Good to know.

Any thoughts, ideas, solutions???

2009-09-28T20:06:00.000-05:00

I have something weird happening with some of the food in my fridge. It started with my pasta. Every Sunday I make up 6 days worth of pasta, pasta sauce and fake meat (Morningstar crumbles).Well on the fifth day of eating this batch it tasted bad. Really bad. Like vinegar or alcohol or something. I even had my Dad smell it. He thought it smelled weird but not like it had gone bad. But the taste/smell was so overwhelming I couldn’t eat it.

Then yesterday Maya finished her first bowl of food and still seemed hungry so I went and made her another bowl of food.

Because it might be important, Maya eats a kind of puree I make for her. This time it was apples, pears, zucchini, sweet potato, and bananas blended with yogurt and I add cereal to it as she eats it.

Anyway so the second bowl had the exact same smell as my pasta.

My Mom thinks maybe something fermented or there could be a fungus but how could that happen in 2 separate sealed containers? Could it be something else in my fridge? A weird coincidence?

Also so far my pasta this week has been fine. And not all of Maya’s food had that taste. Some of the food is still normal and some isn’t.

Anyone????

Oops. . .

2009-09-25T08:01:00.000-05:00

When I got pregnant Jake and I had been dating for about 2 months. But that’s misleading because we’ve known each other and had wanted to date for about 5 or 6 years. Either way we were not married, engaged or planning on being married or engaged. For some people this was a problem.

Because I have raised hell during most of my double-digit years I think some (or maybe all) of my family looked at my pregnancy as one more f**k up in a long line. Of course I think, accident or not, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

What’s funny (in an ironic sort of way) is that I often forget that some people are embarrassed by the fact that I am not married to, but with, the father of my child. My grandmother told no one that I was pregnant and yelled at my sister-in-law when she spilled the beans (silly her thinking she was sharing good news). But my grandmother told me she didn’t tell anyone because it was my news to tell and she didn’t want to spoil it for me. Uh huh.

This kind of thinking has led to some really funny moments. Made all the funnier by the fact that I usually don’t pick up on the funniness until later.

Story 1. Every year my grandmother’s (the one who didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant)side of the family has a big 4^th of July party/family reunion. In 2008 I was 7 months pregnant.

So we’re at the party and my cousin is talking about his work. I’m not sure of a job title but basically he works with a church doing missionary-type work. He works a lot with teen mothers. So he’s talking about this and I can tell he keeps looking at me but I’m not sure why. Then he keeps saying teen mothers (vs. the more common “unwed” mothers). Finally it dawns on me that he’s trying not to offend me because I AM an unwed mother.

Story 2. I’m back at work after Maya was born and I’m chatting with a co-worker. She makes a comment about her 21 year old niece having a baby (her tone made it clear that was a bad thing). Then says, “Well I had a baby when I was 21. . . but I was married.” I saw it in her face immediately. She was embarrassed. But I had no clue why. Again it took awhile to realize that she thought she had offended me because I am (all together now!) an unwed mother.

The thing is: I don’t care. Jake and I aren’t married but I don’t feel any shame about it. I mean I don’t think anyone thought at 25 I was a virgin. If they did and I burst that bubble in a big way, sorry about it. Is it ideal? Would it have been better to have gotten married and gotten ready and decided to have a baby? Maybe.

It’s kinda nice to have skipped past all that fretting and trying and counting days and checking temperatures. I honestly think that would drive me crazy. And with Jake’s commitment issues we may never get married.

So instead of all that mess, I have a boyfriend that I’m pretty happy with AND a daughter that I adore more than life itself. Win-win.

Staycation 2009

2009-09-24T07:54:00.000-05:00

Jake and I had a staycation. At the end of last year I got an offer to stay at a big fancy local hotel at a discounted rate because I’m a special education teacher. Jake and I had agreed we would do it but we weren’t sure when. After school started back and I checked and saw that we only had about 2 weeks before it expired. So we jumped on it.

We went on a Saturday and before we left we were fighting all day. We finally got ready and left and as soon as we got there all was well. The hotel is huge and gorgeous. The inside has a huge glass dome ceiling and gardens so you feel like your outside. If outside were air conditioned.

We didn’t get there until about 6pm and we were having dinner by 8pm. At dinner Jake announced he wanted to try and stay a second night. This is what happens when you refuse to ever take a vacation. The sad part is that even with the discount the hotel was really expensive (especially since it’s way easier to eat at the super-pricey restaurants in the hotel). If we had used this money more wisely we could have been sipping mojitos in the freaking Caribbean. But, I digress.

Saturday we had dinner at a buffet. A delicious amazing buffet. So good. Unfortunately I could barely walk I was so stuffed. So we went back upstairs, watched The Hangover on Pay per view and fell asleep. Boring.

So the next day, we were determined to be less boring. We first had to go see Maya. I have never gone more than a day without seeing her (I’m not sure I’ve ever even gone an entire day). So we drove 30-40 minutes to go visit her. I nursed her and loved on her until she needed to take a nap. My baby is so precious.

Then we checked on our pets, packed more stuff and headed back to the hotel. Jake wanted to go swimming. This might not seem like a big deal but let me explain. Before getting pregnant with Maya, I was a svelte young woman that only owned bikinis (of course). Since getting pregnant and giving birth I haven’t gone swimming. At all. So all I own are bikinis. Yikes.

Oh, my Lord, it was bad. First there was the tummy. It’s still very saggy and scarred. Then the boobies. Oh the boobies. Before Maya, I was a full B cup. Now I can barely put them in a D cup. The bikini tops were a joke. Only I was crying instead of laughing. I brought 4 or 5 bikinis and tried them all on. I first found a bottom that wasn’t too skimpy then started trying on tops. After I would show Jake each top he would say, “No you can’t wear that. Your boobs are all over the place.” After vetoing all my tops, I finally just put one on and wore a t-shirt over it. Even in the pool. How sad is that. Oh evil pregnancy/post-partum weight. Go away.

So after my pool humiliation (actually I love the pool so I had a pretty good time), I went upstairs and watched cable. Jake and I don’t have cable. And I know it’s something you don’t ever really miss. Until you can watch it for a while. Then I think why am I wasting time playing with Maya when I could be watching Law & Order and Monk re-runs on TNT.

After Jake got back we went to dinner and got ice cream. Then we proceeded to drink lots and have much more fun than we did the first night.

My Dad brought Maya to the hotel Monday morning. She was sitting on his trunk and he was talking to her. When they saw us she made this funny woo sound and started bouncing. So cute.

So that was our Staycation. I’m not really sure how to end this. Um, the end.

It was bound to happen

2009-09-21T20:04:00.000-05:00

Since Maya was born, I have been afraid that someone would think I was still pregnant. And somehow I’ve gone almost a year and it had never happened.

Had.

Until now.

At my brother-in-law’s birthday party, my Memaw (my own grandma) came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant. Oh the pain. The horror. The shame.

It wasn’t quite as humiliating as I guess it could have been. It could have been the grocery clerk with a long behind me. It was just me and Memaw (although I promptly told Elaine and several friends). But still. . . ouch.

You would think this would have me working out like a fiend. But no. Why is it so hard to work out? My choices are to get up at 5am or to wait until Maya goes to bed. I think both of these choices suck. Hence the not working out. Hence Memaw thinking I’m pregnant.

*Sob*

Questions

2009-09-19T22:26:00.000-05:00

Jake has two best friends. BF1 and BF2. We went to BF2’s wedding in June. He married a young woman that he met while I was pregnant with Maya.

BF1 just got engaged to a woman he met after I had Maya.

Jake and I aren’t engaged. Jake’s not even sure we’ll get married.

How long do you stay with someone who doesn’t know if you’re the one? Two years? Five? Ten?

What if he’s the father of your child?

One

2009-09-17T20:02:00.004-05:00

Today my baby turns one year old. One!!! How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday she was a tiny newborn. I guess that parenting cliché about kids growing up so fast is true. My baby is a toddler now, I guess.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

What I hope to do better. . .

2009-09-03T20:38:00.000-05:00

Looking back on my teen years and well into my 20s, it’s easy for me to see that I was completely unprepared for life. I really didn’t have any idea what it meant to be an adult, to make decisions. But because of a lack of parenting, I didn’t realize this at all. Pretty much the only parent I had growing up was Elaine. Most of time I listened to her. But after a while even that fell away and I only listened to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I had parents. I had 4 parents. But none of them parented in the nitty gritty, down and dirty way. My Dad would never touch major subjects of any kind. Hell, after he married when I was 12, he didn’t do much parenting at all. And as for our stepmom, she had never had any children and to suddenly be raising a 13 and 12 year old, well, you can imagine. So there wasn’t much help there.

My Mom was my friend. When I was young I called my Mom every day. I considered her my best friend. I thought I was the luckiest kid ever. But my memories of being around my Mom are chatting and giggling and shopping and eating and watching movies. There was never any direction or re-direction or discipline.

And of course, my stepdad stayed out of it all.

As an aside, I want to clarify that I’m not putting down or judging my parents. I’m very much of the school of thought that everyone is doing the best they can and that includes my parents. I know they loved me and believe me none of them came from great functional homes where they might have learned this stuff.

Because of the lack of parenting, I really felt like I was on my own for a long time before I was. Elaine and I did whatever we wanted. If it was necessary to lie, we lied. We drank, did drugs, spent the night out partying (while our Dad and stepmom thought we were at a friend’s house), threw house parties when they took summer vacations for a week or so and left us at the house. In other words, we were bad.

Elaine, of course, moved out first. I stayed at home and continued to do whatever I wanted. When I graduated Elaine and I decided to get our own place in another town to go to school.

A (I was going to write ‘the’ but there were so many problems who could pick one main one?) big problem I had was that I believed that because I had done whatever I wanted for so long with no discernible parenting, I felt completely prepared for life. And being a teen, I thought I knew it all and listened to no one.

The main change between living at home and moving out was that I was free to drink more. And that was very helpful. To this day I might still be a virgin, if weren’t for alcohol. An example, I didn’t kiss a boy until I was 16. 16?!? I had sex for the first time at 18 after drinking a quart of vodka. Alcohol truly was my social lubrication. I’m socially awkward and have trouble interacting with people and making friends. But alcohol made that a thing of the past. Hooray for booze!

The ironic thing about all this is that I was quite vocal about everything I was doing. I wanted every to know how much “fun” I was having. The drink, the drugs, the partying, the going-to-work-hungover-or still-drunk, the guys that I casually tossed aside (because I was cute and flirty, a real heart-breaker, not at all a dysfunctional, terrified, can’t-date-anyone-that-might-be-good-for-me, love-guys-that-treat-me-like-crap kind of girl. Uh,uh. Not me.) But why?

Looking back I’m sure some part of me wanted to change, wanted help, wanted to understand why I was my own worst enemy. Or even to realize that. I was so dysfunctional in who I picked to be in my life and how I treated them, that when they reacted badly (which is normal), I could play the victim. But as I look back and sort of trace back, I know there were things I should have been taught as a kid that I wasn’t.

Like about sex. I knew the basics from my Mom and my Dad’s girlfriend’s 12 year old daughter but no one ever talked about the emotional aspects of sex. About self respect and honoring your body and your wants and that it’s ok to say no. Since before I even got pregnant with Maya I’ve been practicing all the things about sex and self respect and love and dating that I want to teach her.

But mostly I want Maya to always feel loved and valued and adored so that she never feels like she has to go out into the world and find that. I want us to provide a foundation for her of love and support so that she doesn’t desperately need love and attention from others. I want her to stand on her own as a happy and content and loved person who can then share that with someone she chooses.

Can I teach her that?

God, I hope so.

Dear Hairy-Backed Neighbor Guy,

2009-09-01T17:28:00.000-05:00

I realize that at 6:45 am most people are either not awake or haven’t yet left their homes. But I have. And the old lady who goes on walks wearing a visor despite the fact that the sun hasn’t risen, she’s up too.

So why then you think it’s acceptable to walk around in your front yard shirtless? I will admit that it took me a minute to realize you were shirtless, seeing how your back is grotesquely hairy. (have you ever heard of manscaping? seriously, waxing, shaving, laser. just look into it.)

No one (especially me) wants to see that first thing in the morning (well, really ever but definitely not first thing in the freaking morning). I mean come on. I see that you are smoking and I’m guessing your wife makes you smoke outside. I get that. But if you aren’t going to wear a shirt, you need to take that shit to the backyard.

Your neighbor (who hopes to never to see you shirtless again),

Carrie

My Old Friend Fear

2009-08-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

Fear it a very basic emotion. It is, supposedly, one of only 3 emotions animals ever feel (joy and sorrow being the others).

It is a very important emotion. It helps keep us safe and aware.

But sometimes it is only a menace. I have found this to be true my entire life. Fear of rejection causing me not to talk to a cute boy or a new kid that might make a good friend. Fear of failure causing me not to try my hardest.

Never has fear been more of a menace than the fear I feel as a mother. It is all-consuming and it does no good. I’m sure it has a great biological purpose but in my life it feels useless.

I am terrified of Maya dying. When I was pregnant, I was constantly terrified of miscarrying. Once she was born, I was horrified by the thought of SIDS or some scary baby disease or some regular disease that her fragile little body wouldn’t be able to fight. And now it’s nameless. It’s nothing I can put my finger on but it’s there.

I read two blogs by women who have lost children. And their children died around this time of year because they are both writing about it. I read it and I cannot imagine. I do not think I could continue to live if Maya died. When I pray for her health, I ask that if she is taken to take me too.

I read an interview of Elizabeth Edwards. She has two “sets” of children. She has an adult daughter and two little kids, maybe 9 and 10. She had a son who was a year older than her now-adult daughter who died when he was 16. The first thing I noticed was that her younger children would have been conceived immediately after her son died.

I hear of this a lot and before I had children I might have thought that was selfish. Bearing your own replacement child. But now I understand it for what it is: a survival mechanism. How much a mother would need a newborn, an all-consuming newborn to concentrate on. I can see how without that she might swim deeper and deeper into herself until she is no more.

Elizabeth Edwards is also dying. She has terminal cancer. She will be leaving behind her 3 children, 2 of whom are still quite young. But she is not scared of death. How could she be? She believes with all of her heart that when she dies, she will be reunited with her son. I hope she is.

I know this is a heavy topic but it’s overwhelming my brain recently. Every time Maya is quietly sleeping I worry that maybe. . . something’s. . . happened. I hate it so much. But I get the feeling it doesn’t really go away. Maybe it will be better some times that others but it will always be there.

At night. In the dark. My old friend Fear will remind me of all the tragedies that could befall my daughter. And I’ll fight in vain to shut him up. But, truly, why fight?

He always wins.

Plan and throw a house party

2009-08-23T10:34:00.003-05:00

Take that 30 before 30 list. Woo hoo! I threw a big party.

A month or so ago I sent out evites for a housewarming party. And every day between then and the actual day of the party I considered cancelling. It was really scary. Especially the planning.
Seeing as how I’m a, uh, I think a pesco-vegetarian, or something. Basically I eat no meat, chicken, turkey, mammals (are chickens and turkey mammals?) but I do eat fish. All that is to say that I had to figure out a menu for a large group of people who are not at all vegetarians (Elaine doesn’t eat cows, pigs, etc. but she does eat chicken, turkey, fish). Jake was all up in arms about this, saying I was forcing my choices on other people. Which is unfair. I refuse to cook with meat.

Although Elaine’s husband, Bruce, wanted to bring sausage and I said no. This is a tough decision. On the one hand, it’s my house and I would prefer no meat be here. But Jake has meat here sometimes, although he does make an effort to not eat red meat in the house.
Wow talk about getting off topic.

Anyhoo, so I couldn’t figure out what to serve. And I was totally freaking out. Finally I decided to make several different kinds of veggie and fish burgers. For sides I would make some a pasta salad and potato salad and have chips and dips. In theory this should have been easy. But it turned out like a freaking Ben Stiller movie. Problem after problem but everything works out in the end.

Other than the salmon burgers and sort of the tofu burgers all the burger recipes were disasters. We were sure we wouldn’t have enough food. (At one point Elaine said, "Worse case you order pizzas.") I didn’t know how to do a lot of the prep work (hard boiling eggs? Blanching??). Craziness ensued. But in the end it was great.

We had more than enough food and pretty much everything was good. And we had so much fun. Maya had to take a couple of naps but she loves being adored by her masses (who wouldn’t?).

Our house is really big with so many areas for entertaining. There were big groups of people all over the place and lots of laughing and conversation.

It was exactly what you hope for in a party.

Fixing my Hooha

2009-08-23T10:28:00.003-05:00

Vaginal stretching. It doesn’t sound that bad, does it? Nah. I mean stretching is what you do after a workout. It’s the good part. The easy part. Ha!

Don’t be fooled, my friends. It’s evil and quite painful. The word horrific comes to mind.

I went to my hooha physical therapist last week and she told me that we had pretty much come as far as we could with the easy stuff. I’ve been doing my Kegel’s and pelvic area stretches (not at all the same) and deep, relaxing breathing. But there’s still pain.

She asked me to describe the pain. It’s actually quite easy for me to describe. It hurts on the bottom of my hooha at the entryway (ha!). Oh and it feels like I’m being stabbed. She informed me that’s almost certainly scar tissue that will need to be broken up. With vaginal stretching and massaging.

Massaging? Again, who doesn’t love a massage? And a vaginal massage doesn’t sound so bad. *sob*

At that point my choices were to go there 3 times a week and let her do the “exercises,” try to do them to myself, OR have Jake come in and her teach Jake how to do them to me. Guess what I chose?

Jake, of course, was horrified. And who can blame him? I’m horrified. Jake told me he wasn’t mature enough to do this sort of thing (good Lord isn’t that the truth!) but I insisted. Especially because she told me that the window for breaking up the scar tissue pretty much closes at a year. Yikes!

So yesterday Jake and I had the appointment.

First we sat down and Monica explained the whole thing. What the problem was and how this was going to help and what they were going to do. Then she left so I could strip and get on the bed.

When she came back in she did a quick exam to see how things felt (looked?) now. Then she started doing the stretching*. Oh my God. I cannot even. . . awful. . . painful. . . burning. . . tearing. In fact it felt an awful lot like giving birth.

Jake was great. He did it and he didn’t panic and he promises he’ll do it with me everyday.

Oh I’m so scared. She told us we’ll have to do this for weeks to months. That’s a long time of doing this. It’s amazing that something that takes 5 minutes can be so awful. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. Which is bad. I’m supposed to be as relaxed as possible while he does it so that I’m not fighting him. Great, sure no problem. You beat up my hooha while I do my deep breathing. Yessiree Bob!

*I didn’t give the details of the “exercises” because I didn’t figure anyone would want to read that but if you, just email me. Assuming you’re a woman interested because of similar issues or just curiosity and not a creepy guy.

Birth Story, Part 3

2009-08-23T10:18:00.004-05:00

Click for part 1 and part 2.

Where were we? Ah, yes, the end of transition. So I was in lots of pain. Truly bad pain. And finally I thought I had to go to the bathroom and not to pee. So I kicked everyone but Jake and Elaine out. And sat down on the toilet and nothing happened. At this point I figured I must be close.

I got naked and got back in the tub. At this point I decided that since nothing much was happening I would speed things along by pushing.

I’m not sure if I did anything or caused anything but I did start pushing. Then about 5 minutes later I told Elaine that I felt a burning sensation in my hooha, which apparently is referred to as the ring of fire and is a sign that the baby is crowning. I didn’t realize that at the time but I figured it was close.

I remember saying to Jake and Elaine that the baby was coming and jumping up on my feet into a crouching position. Not sure why.

Elaine and Jake were filling up the bath and I kept telling Elaine that it was too hot and finally I just turned off the hot water and just let the cold fill the bath. (Wow that’s a long sentence.) Then Elaine came back in and asked me if everyone else could come back in and be in there for the actual birth. I so didn’t care at that point. So the room filled back up with my Mom, stepmom, Jake’s Mom, my other sister and my Dad stood in the doorway (I was naked so he didn’t come all the way in.)

Betty was now back in the room and by the tub with me. And I still had no desire to push but I was pushing. Then the baby really crowned and I started to get an idea of what it was going to feel like to push a child out of my body. And I decided I wasn’t going to push.

If you haven’t had a non-epidural (I’m pretty sure, but not positive, that you can’t really feel if you have an epidural) vaginal delivery, let me paint a picture for you. First of all you feel like your entire bottom half is going to split open. It’s a burning, stretching sensation that is un-Godly painful. And you have to pull your knees back to your ears and hold your breath and let it out slowly and push, push, push. It’s soooo not fun.

But seeing as how I had no can’t-fight-it need to push, I didn’t. I downright refused. Betty would say, “With this next contraction I want you to push big.” And the contraction would come and I would just sit there. Or I would barely push. Or just kinda try to relax and see if maybe the baby would just fall out.

Finally after taking a lot of abuse from various people in the room (mainly Betty who was going the tough love route with me), I started pushing. And everyone was yelling, “Oh, I can see the head, she’s right there.” But not much was happening. So Betty tells me to reach down and feel my baby. This was probably a mistake. For some ridiculous reason I thought I had delivered part of the head (*shrug*), so when I reached down and realized she was still completely inside me. . . oh good Lord. Horror. I was not happy.

But then I figured there was no way out of this thing. That baby was coming out and the only exit, quite unfortunately, was my hooha. So I decided to really push and I did. Twice.
On the second push, she came out. All of her. You know how usually in births they deliver the head and then the top shoulder and then the other shoulder and then the body. We skipped all that and she shot out like a freaking bullet. Which at the time seemed freaking great. You know, like, thank God that’s over. However it turns out shooting out like bullets causes very bad tears which sometimes don’t heal right. But that’s another story.

Once she was out Betty put her on my chest and put a towel over her. Then everyone started yelling, “What is it Carrie? A boy or a girl?” I didn’t even look. This is how sure I was. I just announced, “It’s a girl!” And it was. My precious perfect daughter made her grand entrance in grand style. And it was and is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me.

Back to School

2009-08-23T10:15:00.003-05:00

Missed me?

I started back to work. And I’m very conflicted about it. On the one hand I have to admit that I am loving having a set schedule. I have been getting up at 5am and I love it. How crazy is that?
I love getting up early. I’ve been getting so much more done. It’s amazing. I feel like I’ve been more productive this week than the entire summer. Ok so I’m exaggerating but not by much. It’s been great. For me.

For Maya? Not so much. She hates it. She has twice cried when I handed her over to my Mom. It’s awful. She goes over to my Mom but then turns back to me and cries and reaches for me.

And she’s having trouble sleeping. She doesn’t like sleeping anywhere but in her crib at our house. Plus she doesn’t like getting up early which, of course, we have to get up early. So the combination of her having to get up early, making her extra tired, and not being able to sleep so great at my Mom’s house means she wants to sleep as soon as we get home. But she wants to sleep for a long time and then she gets up at odd times. It’s all and all bad.

The main problem for me is that she wants to sleep here. Which means the only time I’m with her she’s usually wanting to sleep. And that sucks. I’m afraid she’s going to think my Mom is her Mom. I know that’s selfish. I should just be happy that Maya is taken care of by people she loves and that love her. And I am but still. . .

It sucks. It really sucks. I just hate that I’m losing all this time with her. I hate that this time, this important time of her life, can never be gotten back. And we’re missing it. We’re losing so much time together. I know that there are tons of mommies who do the same thing (and much, much worse) but it’s really hard.

The worst part is that she doesn’t understand. At all. There is no way of explaining the situation to her. How can I get it across to her that I have to leave her for nine hours (at least) a day so I can go spend time with other people’s kids. The way she looks at me is heartbreaking. She looks like I’ve just slapped her.

Does anybody have any advice about this? A ritual or something I can say? Anything?

(Un)comfortably Numb

2009-08-13T16:42:00.000-05:00

Depression must be contagious. I read about a million blogs (I have an addition, ok?) and at least 3 of the authors are suffering from (and blogging about) depression. I'm just now getting over my most recent bout with depression and I guess I'm feeling the need to look back over it.

Now that I have a name for this illness, it's easy for me to look back over my life and see that I have suffered from depression as far back as I can remember. I can remember reading about depression in books and magazines. I can even remember thinking that I did, indeed, have the symptoms listed. And yet, I never really thought I was depressed.

Which isn't to say I didn't think something was wrong. I did. I KNEW something was wrong. I just didn't know what. I took my symptoms and looked for cures. Issues with eating? Nothing a good diet can't fix, right? Right? Hiding out? Social anxiety? Force. And booze. Nothing a little social lubricant can't fix.

But it didn't. I never got better. No matter how books I read, people (sorry Elaine) I talked to, therapists I saw, "traps" I set for myself. Nothing ever got better. Quite the opposite. It got worse. It didn't really occur to me that I was depressed until I started fantasizing about suicide. Not romanticizing it, just thinking about it. Like if I put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger, what path through my brain would the bullet take?

And I had those thoughts for a while. Until one day, I woke up. I was thinking about suicide and I just suddenly thought, "What the hell am I thinking?" That day I made an appointment with my doctor to get on medication. And I've been a different person since.

It's taken me all this time to figure out how I missed the glaring fact that I was depressed. It seems fairly hard to miss. But not until after I'd had Maya did I figure it out.

When I think of depression, I think sad. I imagine constant crying and unexplainable grief. But I never had that. At all. For me, depression means numbness. It means curling up in bed or on a couch and zoning out (reading, watching TV, surfing the Web). It means avoiding friends and family and hiding in my house. It means not getting dressed or showering.

After Maya was born I had textbook postpartum depression. It started exactly 48 hours after delivery and lasted exactly 48 hours. And it was exactly what I always imagined depression to be. I cried and cried and cried. I would lay on Jake or Elaine and just weep. Over nothing. Over everything. And it was really hard. I cannot imagine how anyone could deal with that for longer than 48 hours.

But numbness has it's own problems. I've been working on meditation and prayer and the man who's been helping me has noticed the numbness. The other day he said, "You know you're kinda numb. You don't really react to things you should react to. Have you ever noticed that?"

When I changed meds recently I started having bursts of irritation and anger. Something little would happen and I would get so angry. When I went in for my check-up to see how my new medication was working I told the lady about it. She said, "Well last time you were here you told me there was a marked lack of emotion and now you're angry sometimes. Maybe you just aren't used to feeling anything."

And maybe that's true. It's hard to say.

The Birth Story, Part 2

2009-08-12T14:06:00.000-05:00

To see part 1, click here.

Sure enough the pain woke me up around 2am. Elaine would be getting up at 3am to give me my antibiotics so I decided not to wake anyone up.

Now I am sure that every woman that has ever given birth will laugh at this but I really did not believe that labor could hurt that bad. I know, I know. How stupid. But I just could not imagine that kind of pain. Ha, ha. For anyone else out there harboring this foolish belief, let me be the first to tell you, it really freaking hurts. If someone tells you otherwise, run. They are telling you evil lies.

So, yeah, I was pretty shocked by the pain. And boy did it hurt. Oh, my Lord it hurt. I was trying to breath and walk and whatever but I quickly noticed nothing helped. And I was a little worried.

You see I had decided to have Maya naturally. As in no epidural, no Petocin (is that right? the stuff that speeds up labor), no nothing. Just me, Jake, Elaine and Betty. And a bathtub, if I so chose. Oh, and the rest of my family was there too.

Elaine got up and Jake woke up quickly after that. We all laid in my bed (and Jake's). Elaine timed contractions, Jake held and rubbed me and I had contractions. We did this until 5am. At that point I had been contracting long enough and often enough that we decided to call Betty.

Betty was already at the birthing center because she had send home another laboring mother who was far enough along to be there. Elaine told her about the contractions and I think I talked to her too and she told us to come on in.

So Elaine and Jake got everything together while I did whatever and then we were on our way. Before we could even get going Jake had to pull over so I could vomit. Seriously why? Why couldn't I have thrown up at home? Why did I have to throw up while contracting and hanging out the car door like an 18 year old partying too hard?

We got to the birthing center around 6 or 7am. We went in and I got up on the little table for Betty to do the vag check. Her rule is less than 4cm, goes home. I was 3cm. I wanted to bawl my freaking eyes out. I'm not sure why but Betty let us stay. And thank goodness, cos we got the good room. The big room with the tub. Betty told us later that was only the 5th time ever that she had had more than 1 laboring mother at a time. She gave me a shot of Tylenol PM (or something) that blissfully knocked me out for a couple of hours. She's a big proponent of taking something in early labor to help you sleep so you can save up your energy for the hard stuff. And God bless her for it.

Jake, Elaine and I all went into the room and I almost immediately fell asleep. About 5 minutes later I heard the other laboring mommy come in and to the other room. And then like 10 minutes later (with no sounds in between) we here her baby crying. What the fuck? No yelling, no nothing. Just baby!

So I slept off and on. Jake and Elaine started calling people and people started showing up. My Dad, stepmom, Mom, stepdad, Jake's mom, my other sister and a friend of mine all came. Jake's best friend came by a couple of times and Elaine's husband came by after Maya was born.

I'm sure to some people that might sound like overkill but I loved it. I loved having all those people there. Jake and Elaine and I were practically connected on the bed. They were talking to be and massaging me and I don't even know. It was just great. And Rae, my sister, or my Mom would rub my feet or calves. And everyone was quiet but totally rooting for me. I don't know how else to explain it. It just felt like all the energy in the room was going to me and Maya. It didn't make it hurt any less (I guess) but it truly made it an amazing experience. I'm sure this isn't the right choice for everyone but I would recommend it to anyone that asked. It was a wonderful birth.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Honestly all of this is quite hazy so I'll just try to put in little snippets I remember.

I remember laying on the exercise ball and not liking it. I remember getting in the tub and not really liking it. I mostly just liked laying in the bed. I remember saying over and over that I couldn't do this and everyone saying, "But you are. You are doing it." I remember everyone supporting me and talking to me. I remember Elaine telling me not to fight the pain. She said to just let it wash over me. She told me I couldn't stop it so don't try to. And she would touch where ever I was tensing up and tell me to relax. That helped more than anything else.

To be continued. . .

Riding with the Windows Down

2009-08-11T13:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday when I was getting out of my car the lid of my chai tea latte came off and it spilled all over my car. This was bad. First it completely pissed me off. Second it was about 9 million degrees outside. Third I had a pounding headache. Fourth I had to get inside to put Maya down for a nap. So I just went inside and was pissy for a few minutes. Then I promptly forgot about the whole thing.

Today I was putting everything in the car and Jake was putting Maya in her seat. He was kind enough to inform me that my car reeked like something had died. Ah, spoiled milk.

So I had to drive with the windows down. I never drive with the windows down and I don't think Maya's ever been in a car with the windows down. About 2 minutes into the drive I looked back at her and she was laughing and smiling and reaching her little head up to be in the wind. It was too freaking cute. Who knew?

The Birth Story, Part 1

2009-08-10T10:42:00.000-05:00

Ever since I started this blog I have wanted to write Maya's birth story. I have it written in a few places but what's one more?

My due date was September 17, 2008. Around 3am on September 15, I woke up wet. Despite having never experienced incontinence (in my pregnancy or otherwise), I was sure I had wet the bed. So I got up and went to the bathroom and changed clothes. And immediately was wet again. Now I was a little pissed. So I changed again and went back to bed.

When my alarm went off I got up and got dressed. I had to change my clothes again due to my sudden incontinence problem. On the way to work I remembered reading that waters don't always break in a big way. Sometimes it's a slow leak. Hmm. . . (psst, this is foreshadowing)

As soon as I got to work I texted Elaine (she is a former labor and delivery nurse and currently a women's health nurse practitioner--ie OBGYN) and told her what happened. She didn't think it was that big of a deal and told me to just keep an eye on it. Now that I standing up (and the baby's head was blocking the cervix), I was no longer having issues with leakage. So on I went.

When I told my aide (I'm a special ed. teacher), she flipped. She had the exact same thing happen to her and insisted that I leave immediately. Which I didn't do. But I start to notice that I felt the baby move in a while (by the way, we didn't know whether we were having a boy or a girl even though everybody was sure it was a girl).

After a little back and forth with Elaine I decided to err on the side of caution and just have everything checked out. I was so embarrassed leaving work. I kept telling everyone I was just being silly and I'd be right back.

When I got to Elaine's work she gave me a strip of litmus paper and told me to go get some of the fluid on the paper and bring it back to her. I brought it back and she looked at it and said, "I'll be damned. You're water is definitely broken." Which, holy cow. She also hooked me up to the machine thingy to check the baby's movement and everything was fine.

I delivered with a midwife, Betty, and her rule was if your water breaks but you aren't in labor, just wait it out and DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN THE VAGINA. No fingers, no nothing. Well, I just couldn't do that. I had Elaine's partner do a vag check and found out I wasn't dialated or effaced (God, I can't even remember if that's the right word--amazing) practically at all.

After that I started making phone calls to let everyone know that the countdown had begun and the baby would be born within 72 hours (the longest Betty would let me go on my own without inducing). Yowzer! I was having a baby. For real.

I fessed up to Betty what I'd had done with my hooha and she was less than thrilled. She insisted that I take antibiotics every 6 hours until I delivered. That sucked. Really badly. Luckily Elaine can do all that so we were able to just take the supplies home and Elaine did it. But still. Not worth finding out your so not about to have a baby. Well, except I was.

And for the next couple (yes, couple) of days, nothing really happened. I slept, got a pedicure and eyebrow wax, went to dinner with Elaine (where I added red pepper flakes to my pasta at the insistence of my GG, who swore it would start labor, and I did go into labor about 3 hours later). Nothing too exciting.

After dinner on Tuesday evening Elaine, Jake, Bruce (Elaine's husband) and I sat in the living room and I realized labor was starting. This entire time I'd had no contractions and when they started I knew I was starting labor. And this time I did exactly what Betty told me to: I went to bed. I told Jake to be ready cos it coming soon.

To be continued. . .

Why are you a vegetarian?

2009-08-04T21:09:00.005-05:00

I get asked this question a lot. Which is fine, I'm more than happy to share my reasons. What surprises me is how often my answer is met with belittling sarcasm. I guess it shouldn't surprise me too much since this how I used to react to my sister's decision to stop eating beef, lamb, basically cute animals (not a judgment). But I'm pretty sure I reacted like this because deep down I felt guilty in my own decision to continue to eat animals. Maybe that's why people do it to me now.

So, why am I a vegetarian? It's 100% for ethical reasons. I do not believe there is anything wrong with animals eating animals. My problem is with factory farming. The way these animals are treated is disgusting. It's beyond disgusting. And it's just not ok.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this since this is a really charged topic for me. I get really upset when I think about what these animals go through before being slaughtered. Their living conditions are truly horrifying. I won't get into any specifics because it's horrid. But I think that anyone who chooses to eat meat should watch the videos of what happens. Or maybe not, I don't know.

I feel guilty if we're gone from the house too long and the dogs are in the house. Because they may not be smart but they can feel the discomfort of needing to go to the bathroom, of being lonely or bored. And that is enough of a reason to do my best to not put them through that.

I'm always a little disturbed when people tell me that it's ok for them to eat meat because animals are stupid. Perhaps but they are also aware. And, after all, humans are animals. Humans can have IQs the same or lower as a pig or cow and also be aware of what is happening. I have read that pigs have the intelligence of a 3 to 5 year old. Following this logic, does that mean it would be ok to treat a 3 year old in the same manner as a factory farm pig?

Or that the food chain dictates our right to slaughter and eat meat. I know of no other animal in the food chain that tortures its prey, by say systematically burning the beaks off of baby chicks so that more can be stuffed into cages, until it is cruelly killed.

I'm sorry. I promised no details. I shouldn't even be writing this. It will only make me and maybe you upset. No more.

You will be rich, gorgeous and happy! That’ll be a $500.

2009-08-04T21:00:00.002-05:00

On my life list (not on my 30 before 30) I have the goal (?) of going to see a real (not sure how to determine this) psychic. I have always wanted to go to a psychic and be amazed. The problem is how the hell do you know whether you are seeing a quack or the real thing.

Now, it's only fair to say that it's possible there is no real thing but I don't believe that. Evidence: My stepmom went to a psychic when she was 24 who told her she had a sickness in her belly that would prevent her from having any children (years later she was diagnosed with ovarian or cervical cancer and had to have a total hysterectomy) but that she would marry a man and raise his children (she married my Dad when she was 40 and my sister and I lived with them until we went to college). Seriously you can't guess that kind of stuff.

While we were in Maine I went to a psychic. We just happened to see a shop and I insisted that I must go. She told me that I will live a very long life (Thank God, I'm terrified of death). She said I will experience some kind of change in my work that will be very profitable. Woohoo! She told me that I'll have 2, maybe 3 kids (you should have seen the look on her face when I told her I want way more than that). She told me that Jake is insecure (You think?) and had to break up with his first love (kind of true). She said I will meet another man, with dark hair, in the next 9 months and will have to choose between Jake and this other man. She said I will have a marriage opportunity in 3 years. So this is my future.

I have decided that if I meet a dark-haired man and feel that I must choose between him and Jake in the next year or so, I can safely say she was right and mark seeing a psychic off my life list. If not, she was clearly a fake and it stays on the list.

PS I told Jake about it and now he asks me constantly if I have seen any dark-haired men. When I was mad at him the other day, I told him that this dark-haired man was looking better all the time. ;)

Damn you, Sonic!

2009-08-03T21:00:00.002-05:00

I gained weight in Maine. More than I care to admit. I also gained weight while we were moving into our new home. And, seeing as how I was still trying to lose weight before all this happened, this isn't good. Since getting home I decided to recommit and really be purposeful about the fact that I am sort of dieting and being healthy and trying to lose weight.

Yesterday I went to lunch with my Mom, stepdad, Elaine and her husband and their neighbors. And of course the precious Maya. I didn't eat. I ate a healthy lunch before I went and abstained from the food. The delicious-looking food. My sister got a gourmet grilled cheese that looked amazing. But I was good. I know that I want to lose weight.

(I need to lose weight. I only bought a few pieces of maternity clothes and refused to accommodate in most ways for my huge size. And now I have no big clothes for my bigger size. I have very, very few clothes that aren't in my pre-pregnancy size (4-6--*giant, pathetic sob*). Ipso facto I can't fit into the vast majority of my clothes.)

With me, any time I try to lose weight or to be healthier, my downfall is always restaurants. I love eating out (probably because it was such a treat as a child). I love being with friends and family and eating great food and someone waiting on us. So anytime I try to lose weight I try to steer clear of going out to eat. But I hate having to miss out on seeing people so I try to balance it out (especially since losing the HUGE amount of weight I need to lose probably isn't going to happen over night).

So when my Mom invited me to lunch I decided to go but not eat. And I did it! Which is totally awesome. I was strong. I didn't even glance at the menu and I didn't feel deprived and I had a really good time with everyone. I was so proud of myself.

BUT. . . I was pissed off at Jake for not coming to lunch (he doesn't understand why my family socializes by eating out; he thinks it's a waste of money) and for being a huge lazy bum and not helping out. When I got home he kept apologizing and trying to be all cute but I was staying strong. Then he decides to go get some food for himself.

And what does he come back with???? Sonic for him. . . and for me. He got my favorite drink and tater tots for me. Uh!!!! Why?!? And what could I do? I can't throw it away. Can I? So I told him thank you (and ate it. *big, big, sad sob*) but that I'm on a diet and not to bring home bad food anymore please.

But I ate it. Damn you, Sonic! And your damn delicious tater tots and addictive-almost-certainly-laced-with-crack Java Chillers. Damn you!

Label me this

2009-08-02T21:00:00.001-05:00

When I was in Maine I saw a personalized license plate that read, "KWLTR." It took me a second to discern quilter from that. And I thought it was kinda odd. I mean to feel so defined by your hobby (or I guess, possibly, profession) to consider it a label that encompasses who you are. And then I wondered what I would define myself as. I guess I see myself first and foremost as a mother.

But when I thought that it immediately brought up the millions of times I have heard women complain about being defined as a mother. "I'm so much more than that," they say. And I can see that. Truly aren't we all? But I can't think of anything more important than being a good mother. So why is the knee jerk reaction to be insulted?

The answer is obvious. Motherhood is so looked down upon. According to Linda Hirschman monkeys could raise children. She doesn't understand why highly educated women would rather raise children than argue court cases or cure sick people. (I would say "teach children" but my guess is that if she thinks mothering is worthless she probably has a similarly low opinion of teachers--Those who can't do, teach.)

When I think of the dilemma as my own I immediately know that nothing is more worthy of my time and abilities than to raise Maya (and all the other future kids I'll hopefully end up with) to be a compassionate and intelligent person. But am I raising Maya to be a mother? Or rather, if I look at it not as being my choice but Maya's choice. Would I be ok with Maya wanting to be a wife and mother?

And even if I were, truly, what would I say if she told me her life aspirations were to be a mother? My first thought is that it's not that easy; one must have a mate and preferably an education and an ability to stay home. But it's not so easy to be most things. You can't just decide to be a lawyer either; you must get a bachelor's degree and take the LSATS and get into law school, etc. Would I encourage Maya (or anyone) to approach becoming a mother in the same way?

I remember a (female) friend telling me once that she thought women who were in school to get their M-R-S "degree" were so presumptive to think that it was ok for them to stay home and raise children rather than working (because we all know raising children isn't real work). And yet, traditionally that's been women's role in life. I know, I know. Women can do anything and should have no limitations. And I completely agree with that. Obviously. But still the first generation to be raised in the atmosphere that women can do anything they want and be whomever they want is the generation that "opted-out."

But I guess my point isn't whether or not women should or should not be SAHMs (in fact that's not point at all—to each her own), but rather why do we have such a low opinion of mothers in the first place. Why do we live in a society where is completely acceptable (and encouraged) to openly discuss and criticize mothers and the way they. . . well everything, interact with their children, talk to their children, deal with their careers/jobs/homes/spouses?

I’m Back!!!

2009-08-01T20:13:00.002-05:00

I'm sure you're probably thinking, "Uh, I didn't know you went anywhere." But I did. I took Maya on her first vacation. We went with my Dad and stepmom and sister and brother-in-law to Maine. It was really beautiful. I mean really, really gorgeous. The mountains and the forests and the ocean and the boulders and moose (I saw 2 moose!). It was amazing.

Ok I have to interrupt myself to tell a story about my sister. On the day we were going moose hunting (not like actual hunting, we just wanted to see them) someone says something about moose and Elaine corrects them and says that the plural of moose is meese. And we all laugh at her but she refuses to believe (this is the sister with the master's degree). So I get out the laptop and go to Webster and show her that moose is both the singular and plural form. And still she won't believe. Her response: Look it up on Google. Ha! We were able to find many logical arguments for why it should be meese on the Urban Dictionary. Basically we had to shame her into believing.

Maya was so good. How did I get so lucky? On the flight up there she slept for about 45 minutes to an hour and was awake the rest of the flight. She was quiet and sweet. Never cried, nothing. It was amazing. She was pretty pissed about the sleeping arrangements. I got like no sleep on "vacation." It actually occurred to me in Maine that I would do well to just redefine vacation for myself. Because as far as I can tell it's a whole new ballgame with little ones in tow. And Maya was great. Better than I possibly could have hoped for. But it's still very different from a kid-free vacation.

One thing I noticed on vacation that I've heard about but never really noticed for myself is how when you are around you're family you revert back to your old self. Like I'm the baby and Elaine is older (she's not the oldest but you wouldn't know it by her ;). Now I consider myself to be pretty adult and grown-up but not so much when we're all together. I guess usually when I'm with my Dad and Elaine we're at my house or I have Maya and those things kind of keep me grounded but when I'm in a different state and don't have my baby, I feel like I'm 13 again. Dad was yelling at me not to get in trouble and my sister called me "whiny and kinda demanding." Yikes! It's such a weird feeling. And I gotta say I can do without it. I much prefer being an adult. I guess you spend umpteen years establishing your family roles and then the kids grow up and become adults and it's always easy to slip back into those old roles.

So I'm back now. It's pretty crazy here trying to get back on track. Trying to eat right again (oy vey!), work out, clean, organize the house, take care of lots of crap, and what else? What am I missing? Oh yes, write. This post was so hard to write. Which is why it sucks. Hey they can't all be gold.

Ready to get off the rollercoaster

2009-07-20T14:43:00.004-05:00

Perhaps if you read my blog you have noticed a bit of inconsistency. A little bit of up one day, down the next. Ah, clinical depression and the drugs that fix/help/heal/? it.

I wrote a while ago about realizing that the medicine I was taking wasn't working anymore. I immediately went to my doctor who put me on a program to wean off my Effexor and start taking a new medicine, Pristiq. The thing is, according to my doc, Effexor is the most difficult pill on Earth (her words) to wean off. Ha, ha! I thought, I'll be fine.

And some days I'm great. And some days holy shit. I know that this will get better but jeez. I feel like I'm horribly hungover. I feel nauseous. But that really icky hungover/10 weeks pregnant (one or the other, not both) nauseous where the only thing that makes you feel better is to eat (which is really helping with the whole dieting thing).

I feel confused like I've never felt confused in my life. I walked around the grocery store in a complete fog. I couldn't really discern the difference between all the products. Even with my list in hand I felt unsure, confused and embarrassed like everyone could tell I didn't know what I was doing.

And the mood swings, oy vey. One second I'm laughing my head off, the next I'm yelling at Jake or chastising Maya for not opening her mouth fast enough to take a bite. What a meanie I am.

I just want to be normal again and be done with this. How much longer?

Ignore the Wallpaper

2009-07-19T11:31:00.005-05:00

When I was 17 or 18 and started having guy friends I started hearing stories about "psycho ex-girlfriends." Oh the things these girls did. And every story was always liberally sprinkled with accounts of how crazy this ex-girlfriend was. And being 17 I thought wow who knew there were so many psychos out there. And then I listened a little closer to the stories. Hmmm. . . you blew her off on her birthday to go a party without her and she got mad? Yes, what a psycho indeed?

And as I started dating I started noting the things I wasn't allowed to do if I wanted to avoid the dreaded psycho title. Let's see you can't get mad. Big one. No anger. Didn't you know only psychos get angry. So your guy lied to you about where he was going or blew you off or didn't return your calls. If you get angry, you're the psycho. So just laugh it off. Ha, ha, I don't mind. And if something is in your face at that very moment and you explode, oh dear. Every guy there (and every girl that is also trying to avoid said title, see: psycho) will attest to your psychosis. And when they retell the story, believe you me there will be no mention of the cheating or the lying or the disrespect. No, just that you blew up.

Society has really progressed if women don't even have to be threatened with actually being locked up (see: The Yellow Wallpaper) in the summer rental but just accused of being psycho is enough to keep us in line. But I digress.

When lightening strikes a person there is always an exit point as well as a entry point. You see the body cannot contain all that angry violent electricity and it must be released. Fury is no different. The fury that women endure must come out. And when you scare women into not releasing it as anger how does it come out? Well if anger is shouting and life is a library, we must turn our need to communicate into whispering or give up on communication.

Yes, the Stepford wife. Push it down. Never stop smiling. Take up a speed habit or fuck a gardener but try to keep up appearances. Carry your own weight by working full time and also take care of the kids and cook and clean. Why do you spend so much time online? Why do you relate to these women you can't see but can hear and don't relate to women you can see but can only hear the wah, wah, wah? Why doesn't someone else have to ask you these questions? Why are they in your head because you are so well trained that you self-regulate?

And for the things that must be communicated, there is always the whisper. The quiet sneaking pull of manipulation. If you cheat or lie or disrespect I'll laugh it off but I also might sleep with your best friend. Or casually mention that you aren't so great in bed. Or subtly suggest that you are weak or stupid or less than or whatever I know will hurt you the deepest. Push me and I'll push back. But of course then you'll tell everyone how evil and cold I am. But it'll take more than that to hurt me, I was only 16 the first time I was called a cold bitch and that was by my Dad.

And if it's evil and cold you want, oh I can do that. I know that role like the back of my hand. I know how to push down the worst pain and disrespect with a cold smile. And I know when tears will best serve what I want or need. I know how to inflict pain in all the right places. Yes, I know this role. So well that I'm quite sure my daughter will learn it too at my knee. My own precious Estella.

This is what makes my blood turn cold. My Maya, my baby. I want to teach her to shout. Fuck inside voices, shout, my girl. Never whisper or give up.

But how do I teach what I cannot do? Learn. I will learn to stand up. Learn to be like Elaine who stopped whispering before we had gotten to high school and never looked back (even when her "friends," including me, tried to school her). Like my stepmom. I'll take the remedial classes that I somehow missed. Not only because I think my way is bad for me (it is) but because I don't ever want my baby to be like this. I always want her to take care of herself first. I want her to stand up and demand to be treated respectfully. I want her to know that it is ok to say no. I want her to shout.

The Thing about Jake

2009-07-17T16:37:00.004-05:00

First this post is totally a response to Becca who wrote a comment on my post about Jake being a commitment-phobe. (Becca, you have no email address on your page. How can I respond and tell you how great you are if I can't email you???)

So, Jake is an odd guy. (I just remembered that he told me he didn't want me to ever write about him on my blog. Hmm. . . I'm almost completely positive that he doesn't read it so. . . ) He loves me. He does. Sometimes he shows it in interesting ways but he does love me. He also sees us as being in an extremely committed relationship. He just doesn't know if it will last forever. He said to me, "How can I know how I'll feel in 10 years or 50?" Which almost exactly what my sister said to me right before she married her husband. Together we (me and Elaine) decided that you can't know but you have a pretty damn good idea and it feels ok and you go for it. Right? It's worked out well for Elaine so far.

But Jake doesn't know. Which leaves me a weird place. I say that if we didn't have Maya I wouldn't put up with this but I don't know if that's true. This is what is so fucking confusing. On the one hand, I want to get married. It's important to me. But I realize that there is not so much difference in married life and living-together-committed-non-married life (at least I think). And Jake isn't so bad. He's silly. He dances a lot and then asks if I like what I see in a cheesy voice that always cracks me up.

In fact when we're together we're always laughing. It is really hard (although God knows I succeed when I need to) to be mad at Jake because he's so silly. He hammer dances. He bends over seductively :) in front of me. He bought like 5 pounds of candy so that he could sift through it to find the kind I like for Mother's Day. He crawls all over me in bed and refuses to let me read my book some nights because he needs attention. He calls me Mama Bear. He sings Who's that lady? occasionally for me. And that doesn't even cover our daughter, that he adores and plays with and hold and rocks and brings to me in the morning so I can nurse while I'm still waking up.

When I think about all of this it leaves me wondering why I would ever leave. Is a ceremony and marriage certificate worth missing out on hearing Jake sing,"Your my (clap, clap) la-dy!" I don't know. I really don't. Well that's not true. Tomorrow and the day after that, I don't know. But today I know.

Semantics

2009-07-15T20:06:00.001-05:00

Dad: What's this on the floor?

Me: Water. Well, regurgitated water. . .

Dad: . . .

Warning: Ranting Ahead!!!

2009-07-15T14:17:00.003-05:00

Although I'm super late to the game I have decided that I am going to put in my 2 (holy shit, there's no cents sign. who knew?) cents about the whole mommy wars/staying at home vs. working mom stuff. Why? Because I can. Because this is my blog.

I think the fact that are sides at all is fucking ridiculous. I mean seriously, you have one side saying mothers owe it to their children to stay home and be mothers and the other side saying we worked too goddamn hard getting out of the kitchen for you to go back of your own will. Why? Why are we fighting amongst ourselves? The whole idea of feminism was choice. It used to be that women's "choice" was to get married, pop out kids and raise them and take care of the house. Then feminism came along and said no more, if she wants to be an astronaut or a doctor then she can and will.

So now there's this huge deal about opting out. And I get it. I mean to someone who fought for women's rights and to liberate women from the home, I could see how it could seem like a waste. Like you free a caged monkey and then she goes back in. But here's the thing I'm not a caged monkey. I have a degree and a career and I would still rather give it up and stay home and raise my daughter (and all the other babies I want) and cook and clean and all that. Nothing has brought me more joy than my daughter and I want to give her the best. And the best thing I can give her is time. Time to tell how beautiful and smart she is. To show her that she is special and worth my time. To love her.

This mindset of being feminist means doing x, y and z is the problem. Like thinking men are the enemy so to be a real feminist you have to be a lesbian. Or you can't wear make-up or dresses. And you shouldn't love being a mother. Feminism is about leveling the playing field. The right to vote, the ERA, affirmative action, Discrimination act, etc. The point was to raise women to an equal status to men.

But to me all of this is irrelevant. I have to work outside the home. No one pays me to stay home and raise my kids. Ipso facto raising kids is worthless. Mmmm. . .

Follow me for a minute. I can stay home for a whopping 6 weeks of unpaid maternity leave (and getting this passed was a fucking miracle). There are very few programs that offer assistance in daycare and if you get that assistance it comes with a massive stigma. And what about insurance for kiddos? A child born with medical problems can be denied insurance and there's no safety net. No law saying someone must help this child.

And we fight amongst ourselves? Divide and conquer, eh? Call me a femi-nazi. Call me a socialist. Call me late for lunch. I'm just saying what's the real problem? Who's the real enemy?

And now that I'm good and riled (is that a word? is it spelled correctly? hmm. . . ) up I'm thinking about all the things that piss me off about the state (hah!) of this country and I'm getting tired thinking about all those things and how they never seem to get better and now I'm sad and I'm no longer in the mood to rant. So off I go. Thanks for listening.

Is it just me?

2009-07-14T14:54:00.004-05:00

I'm having an ethical/moral dilemma. Jake invited an old Air Force friend of his to come stay with us this weekend. He also has a wife and 3 kids. Jake was really close with him (Carlos) and his wife and is very excited. (As an aside while I was pregnant she had a not-even-pretending-to-hide-it affair and wanted to leave Carlos and their kids but I guess they've moved on.)

So Jake informs me that we are doing something silly on Saturday, what was it? Oh yeah we're going to Medival Times and he wants Maya to spend the night with someone because we are going to go out after that. And what will we be doing with their 3 childrens (ages 13, 9 and 4)? The 13 year old is going to watch them.

Ok, I really don't want to judge anyone else's parenting but really? You're going to leave a 13 year old in charge of 2 little kids. And Jake told me they offered for their 13 year old (boy--not sure if that matters but still) to watch Maya. My baby. My almost 10 month old baby. Not fucking likely.

So do I have right to say, Uh-uh, not in my house? Which is what I did. But now I'm sure they are going to be quite offended, which should make for a pleasant weekend. Am I way off base?

****

My Mom and stepdad, whom I love very much, are kinda crazy. And they have this big thing about synchronicity. Basically if you keep hearing something, the universe is trying to tell you something. When they first started talking about it I remember the thing they kept seeing was monkeys or something equally ridiculous. To this day I wonder what the fuck they made of that. Uh, we should take up sign language? No, we should climb trees. Mmmm, maybe it means we're totally batshit crazy.

Despite thinking this is ridiculous I always notice when there is synchronicity in my own life. So today on 2 different blogs there was talk of putting tampons in glasses of water to show their effectiveness. Definitely not normal blog chatter. Mmm, what could this mean? I'm going to start my period after over a year and a half (God, I hope not). I need to soak up something. This is a good way to teach kids about tampons. No, that can't be it cos this seems kinda weird. Oh, wait it reminds me of that scene in Kids where Casper puts the tampon in the Koolaid and sucks on it (yuk!). Ooh, I hope no one has AIDS. Ok, I got nothing.

****

Maya has started doing this really great thing where when you stand up from the rocking chair to put her in her crib she starts screaming and crying. I love it. Cos what cuts to the core like your baby crying? Why does she do this? She only cries for a minute or two (Thank God) but still, it's the really serious crying. Like I poked her in the eye or something. Not that I've ever done that, but one can assume that being poked in the eye would cause much screaming and crying.